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Eukara Vox -> A New Take on Dragons - Zorbakian Issue 1 (4/1/2009 0:10:07)
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A New Take on Dragons
A new take on Dragons? DRAGONS???? Like we really need another article about DRAGONS!
I'm so sick and tired of hearing about dragons. Dragon Blade. Dragon Slayer. Guardian Dragon. Dracomancers. Dragon Wars. Dragons Gone Wild. Dragon form armors. Dragon this, and Dragon that. If you want MY opinion (and you should...), the only thing that comes of focusing on these overrated, oversized winged lizard is that we're DRAGON the integrity of Artix Entertainment through the mud! I'M supposed to be the franchise around here, not some scaly wanna-be wyrm with delusions of grandeur.
But you want a new take on Dragons? Fine... I'll give you a new take on Dragons!
Zorbak's Home-Style TurDraKen Dinner
You will need:
(1) Medium-sized Dragon; preferably young
(1) Poultry Farm, complete with turkey pens and chicken coups
(1) Very Large Roasting Pan
(1) Wagon-load of timber (optional)
(1) Large Sword, preferably made of DragonBane
(1) DragonSlayer
(3) Barrels of barbeque sauce
The first step is to lure your young dragon to your poultry farm. Young dragons are notoriously hungry; he should make short work of the available chickens and turkeys (this is the beauty of the TurDraKen... it will stuff itself and save you the work). For an interesting variation, you can try substituting a cow pasture, sheep meadow, or pig pen for your poultry farm... the dragon won't really care one way or the other, so it's a matter of personal taste. I try to avoid red meat, so I stick with the poultry.
After your dragon is properly stuffed (this shouldn't take more then a few minutes... a good indicator is that the chickens and turkeys are gone and the surrounding landscape has been charred to ash in a bout of fiery destruction), you will need to prepare your DragonSlayer. I find the best preparation usually involves telling him some wild story about a kidnapped princess and a treasure hoard, though a sob story about how this particular dragon ate your parents and burned down your family home will do in a pinch (Note: Don't actually let the dragon eat your parents... parents make for lousy stuffing and it'll spoil the taste of your TurDraKen). Equip him with the large sword and point him towards your dragon. The ensuing battle may take anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour depending on how big the poultry farm was and how full the dragon is; I recommend using this time to prepare a few side dishes. I find a fresh garden salad with a nice balsamic vinagrette goes well with TurDraKen.
Once your dragon has been slain, you will need to transfer it to your roasting pan. For this, you may need the help of your Undead Minions... or if you have no undead minions, enlist the aid of your dinner guests. Make sure the pan has been strategically positioned over a large heat source... volcanos will work in a pinch if you have one, but I like to use the flaming remains of the destroyed buildings to add that extra-homestyle touch. If your farm was located in Battleon, you should have no problem keeping the fire going (that town can burn for days); if not, you may need to use your wagonload of timber to keep the fire hot enough. Baste your TurDucKen with barbeque sauce (or other marinades to taste) as needed during the cooking process.
Your TurDraKen should cook for roughly 15 minutes per pound, so you may require several days to cook fully. Please be aware of the health dangers of consuming raw or undercooked meat and poultry.
Serves: 1-2 Villages, depending on population.
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