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Eukara Vox -> Conspiracy Corner: Paladins - Zorbakian Issue 1 (4/1/2009 0:10:40)
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Conspiracy Corner: Paladins
You know, I get a bad rap around here. It seems like every time something bad happens, I hear "Oh look! Crazy old Zorbak is at it again! When will he learn that ebil never wins?" And you know, I'm sick of it. Just because I'm an ebil Necromancer bent on uniting the world under my rule doesn't mean I'm a bad guy. I have big plans for this world, and who's to say you won't enjoy living under the enlightened rule of Emperor Zorbak the First? Those of you I allow to remain living, at any rate.
But I digress...
The problem, as I see it, is that I am honest about my intentions. I don't pretend to be something I'm not... unlike certain others I could mention. Take your good pal Artix for example. He and his Paladin friends are always going on about fighting evil and destroying the undead, many of whom are just harmless souls trying to earn an honest wage to provide for their undead wives and little zombie children back home. The Paladins like to call it "freeing them from eternal torment"... whereas I prefer to call it by its true name: discrimination. That's right, your holier-than-though Paladins are really just a bunch of crazy tin-plated zealots with an anti-undead bias and an axe to grind (literaly!).
Of course, ever time I try to bring this up, I'm shouted down by the pro-Paladin lobby (you wouldn't believe their PR budget)... which is why I was so pleased to see the following article amongst this month's Zorbakian submissions. It seems my word has gotten through to at least ONE of you. Now, I just have to reach the other 5 million...
- Zorbak
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"Paladin: n. 1. Medieval champion: a champion or hero, especially in medieval legend or history. 2. Champion of cause: somebody known for championing a cause. 3. One of Charlemagne's companions: any one of the 12 legendary companions of Charlemagne."
-Encarta® World English Dictionary
The above is almost completely true. Unfortunately, they happened to mention the word "hero" when describing Paladins. For this reason, I must refute the World English Dictionary. The true definition of "Paladin" is thusly: "1. Medieval champion: a crazed megalomaniac partaking in an undead genocide." They commit this heinous act for one reason only: Paladins are evil!
Zorbak's Note: See, I'm not the ONLY one who noticed this!
Quick test. When you hear the word Paladin, what image comes to mind?
1) A noble warrior, going to defend his homeland from undead.
2) A noble warrior, creating some wacky games. With undead.
42) An evil overlord, maddened with rage, murdering innocent zombies. Zorbak's Note: And tormenting innocent ebil moglin necromancers
If you chose 1 or 2, please visit a doctor, as you have encountered a dangerous influx of logic and reasoning. The answer is quite obviously 42, as that is the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything!* Given that the concept of Everything includes that of Paladins, the answer is choice number 42. As always, though, we should not commit ourselves blindly to tracks of thought. First, we must give ridiculous reasoning for our righteous wrath!**
Part of their nefariousness can be observed by their chosen adversary, the Undead community. At no point in time did the skeletons, zombies, liches, bogles, etc. of Lore rise together and decide to attack all of the Paladins. Do you ever see them standing around, saying, "Pardon me, dear fellow, but would you happen to be busy on the morrow? If not, mightn't we go out for a spot and, say, scour up some Paladins with which to engage in combat?" Of course not.*** It is only the Paladins who perform such organized destruction.**** Furthermore, the Undead are loving, caring people(?). This is displayed in that they play games (Circe, "Live From the U-Games," Issues 14-19)- and love (Rimblade, "You Spark My Capacitors," Issue 39).
Zorbak's Note: This is true. All my creations have, deep within them, a heart. Some may even have SEVERAL hearts, depending on what they've eaten recently...
For centuries, though, Paladins have spread slanderous lies about the poor creatures, leading to a great deal of negative publicity. This goes beyond snubs and beating them up for lunch money; at times, people will ring their doorbells and run away, and there have been campaign slogans such as, "Is Falconreach Really Ready For A Dead Mayor?"*****
Zorbak's Note: And let's not forget the toilet paper that gets wrapped around the trees outside the Hideout, and the rotten eggs I have to scrape off the door each year after Mogloween...
Another victim of these lies are the Necromancers, most notably Noxus. This visionary was viciously struck down in his prime, in the middle of his own college! The perpetrators' identities are unknown, except that a Paladin, a disgruntled former employee, and some random person, probably of little importance, were involved. What can this signify except unabashed censorship from the mighty Paladin Council? It exists, I assure you. When will the people rise up and throw off the bonds of oppression, the chains of their ennui? We must rouse, remove the noose off of our ambition, and revolt against these atrocities! Viva la Republique! Lore uber alles! Free at last, free at last, thank Lorithia almighty, we are free at last! And there is a phalanx of Paladins at my door, got to go!
Zorbak's Note: Most notably Noxus? Pah... he's an amateur who deserved whatever he got. The REAL victim here is ME!
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* So says Douglas Adams; therefore, it is undeniable truth.
** The formula for writing articles is c = a, where c represents credibility, and a represents alliteration.
*** In truth, Undead speak in a more archaic tongue, dating back to c. 4,211,345 B.C., when conversation consisted of grunts, clicks, and knocking each other about the head.
**** Besides, of course, the Necromancers, Rogues, Warriors, Mages, Pirates, Ninjas ...
***** Yes. Yes it is.
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