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Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Elven Robot Taisen (Any idea of a better name?) - C&C thread (9/27/2009 21:15:18)
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Hiyas again! Continuing with chapters 14-15.
OKies, that mistaking elves for vampires made me laugh. =P One hilarious scene, I didn't see that coming, so I guess Faegard doesn't have to feel like he was the only one surprised. Of course, yours truly mostly laughed, whereas the elf had a less pleasant reaction. =P What an intrigueing thought, though! *writes a novel about hemevorous elves* (and yes I just made that word up =P)
There were quite a lot of dialogue in these two chapters. Nothing wrong with that per se, but since I yapped about the opportunities to see inside the mind-frame of the characters in the last post, I wandered into thinking that again. Namely, I thought that maybe instead of just narrating the delivery of the demotion to Kuro through dialogue at the and of chapter 15, you could have shown it to us: Kuro receiving the letter, opening it up, how his expression changes as he reads it, maybe him throwing the paper against the wall as he understands by whose specific ordes it was delivered, etc. Just an idea though, based on my personal liking of seeing these kind of scenes. (Or do I just want to see Kuro suffer? =P)
The dialogue is fun to read and quite well written. The only things bothering me were
a) one thing I mentioned earlier about every character using a certain expression, such as 'suffice to say' in these chapters where it was used by Ein, Tsuki and the colonel.
b) Faegard bursting into the speech about leadership, which sounded different from his regular way of speaking, imho. Since it seems to me as it's clearly something he has been taught, I thought that maybe mentioning where exactly did he pull out those flowery sentences would clear out the discrepancy. Such as the words Ein spokes later are explained not to be his but his advisor.
I noticed that there were quite a few inconsistencies with the singular and plural forms, possibly just typos due to fast writing? Anyways, I'll end this post with this short list of some of the oddities on details I happened to notice:
1)quote:
Thirty minute and a counterspell later, Faegard could rest assured that his challenge for the day had finally come to an end,
One of those missing plurals: 'minutes'
2)quote:
That was why we were unable to detect those trespassers until they were deep within our base and almost paid dearly for that,” Ein explained.
This sentence has a somewhat odd phrasing, imo, as I misread this to mean that the enemies almost paid dearly when Ein must mean that they themselves most paid dearly, right?
Mesuspects easiest way to clear that up would be to add 'we' in the latter part.
3)quote:
“There's no need to be sorry for such perception, Faegard. It's true I'd rather take things slowly and deal with problems one at a time than to assume massive responsibilities,” said him.
'said he' or 'the captain explained him'
4)quote:
“The woes of everyday life is beneath them, the petty calculations of the mercantile inferior to their great plans, their names will live on with their legendary exploits carved in every stone tablets and embedded in every bardic song
I think the first should be 'are' and the second 'tablet'
5)quote:
His mulling had coated the cubicle's atmosphere with such a silent that the captain had to speak up about it.
Methinks that should be 'silence'
6)quote:
“Those are the exact word the person who had persuaded me to become an officer said as an advice.”
'words'
7)quote:
“How could he not? Having a father who is also your superior is every aspiring wizard and paladin's wish back where I come from!”
I think that 'wizard's' should be in the possessive form as well.
8)quote:
“One thing, he's a big boy now, and two, he really shouldn't be complaining when he's got not one, but two extremely pretty girl waiting on him.
'girls' since the rumour has it there are two =P
9)quote:
“If that's what you really think, I'm ashamed of you... of ever being a friend with you, I... I...” Ayaka said in an attempt to maintain her composure. It failed spectacularly, her entire face trembling in anguish with fresh tears gushed down her cheek in a stream as she drew closer to the sentence's conclusion. “I hate you!”
The word 'hate' sounded as sharp as a mastercraft arrow tip and hit as hard as a giant warhammer, at least to Faegard.
Nitpicking on a detail here, sorry. Only my personal opinion, but since reading all the internet 'hate' and 'hayt' conversations, that word has experienced an inflation in my eyes, or, well, I don't see it as being very meaningful word in a situation like this. In addition, I interpreted Aya's dislike for Kuro's behaviour be more directed at him insulting his father than him insulting her. I don't know if these rationalisations make any sense to you or to anyone else, but I guess I'm trying to say that a word like 'despise' would fit better in here. It sounds a bit more like Aya would be above his patheticness than 'hate' does. Or at least so does my warped sense of vocabulary say. =P
From chapter 15) I marked down only two typos
10)quote:
On her left hand, the tray filled with an assortment of medical junks lay perfectly balanced between her fingertips, passing through the gateway ass smoothly as its holder.
One 's' too many, and
11)quote:
“I thought as much – she didn't seem to be in her right mind when she saw me. But then again, her reaction changed dramatically as soon s she learnt of his demotion,”
one 'a' too few.
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