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BrantePyrus -> RE: Babel and Berin- Lyrics/Poetry- Comments thread (5/20/2009 16:38:31)
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@Arthur
Thanks for reading!
Now, on your critisism. I've responded to it line by line.
And yes, I'm writing these for my(mostly nonexistent) band.
quote:
Anger divides, anger descends, I believe this one should be a semi-colon. If it were normal writing(not bizzare poetry arrangement), it'd be all one sentance. "Anger divides, anger descends, anger arrives among my friends." You could still be right, but I think that'd be correct, actually.
Anger arrives among my friends.
Burning, rising, burning on. [I don't really like the way you repeated 'burning on' here. There's plenty of other options. I personally think 'raging on' would sound really cool here, but it's your call.] The repeat is very much part of the flow. Using another word was intentionally avoided.
Anger never ends. [I'm not really sure why, but I feel like a 'The' before 'anger' would suit really well here. Your call whether you take it or not.] My call is not taking it! :3
Anger is humanity [There should be some kind of punctuation here. A period would be plenty.] Well, I suppose that's true, but I wasn't sure how I wanted it to seem, so I left it to the reader to decide whether it's a period, comma, or exclamation point. Probably not an exclamation point.
Anger fury burning bright. [Again, I'm missing /some/ kind of punctuation. This time, it's between 'anger' and 'fury'.] It's not anger AND fury burning bright. Anger IS fury burning bright.
Anger raised by day, and calmed by endless night. [You're kinda wrecking the flow here. I suggest moving the second part down, making it it's own line, and adding an extra word to the first part. ] Well, thats a matter of opinion. But I like it this way.
Anger divides, anger descends,
Anger arrives among my friends.
Burning, rising, burning on.
Anger never ends.
Fury and wrath, clouds on my path. [This doesn't make much sense, because what you're saying here is: "Fury and wrath, [BAM!] there are random clouds on my path!" This either needs a colon instead of the comma, or you need some word of introduction. (like 'and', 'the', etc.)] It WOULD be "are", but this is one of those things where I think you can figure that fury and wrath are the clouds, a la "Music, A light in the darkness." And for the flow this works better, IMO
Walking through a desert where the daylight never ends.
Anger burns, anger, my friend. Again, this doesn't make much sense. Kind of seems like a pretty random sentence to me, except if you mean that anger is your friend. Which I don't think you do. I do.
Coating blood across my hands. I don't think you can actually 'coat across' something. Again, I guess there are plenty things you could replace it with. I.E. "The blood is dripping off my hands.", or "Blood is covering my hands", etc. Anger is coating blood across my hands. Like, you'd say, I'm coating this paper with glue.
Anger divides, anger descends,
Anger arrives among my friends.
Burning, rising, burning on.
Anger never ends.
A mushroom cloud that rises above the earth,
Anger's cruel attempt at mirth. [Flowkill, much? Off course, where there is a problem, there is a solution. For starters, you've got to either lengthen the last sentence, or shorten the first one. Or both, of course. There is so much you could do with it, I don't feel like giving any examples right now. I think you'll be able to work this one out by yourself :)] Oh, thats a messup. It's supposed to be "A mushroom cloud that rises HIGH above the earth, Anger's cruel attempt at mirth. It's odd flow, but there is flow. Let me go fix that right now!
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