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Eukara Vox -> Issue 43 - Editor's Note (Eukara) (6/4/2009 15:07:16)
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Editor's Note
By Eukara
Parents.
For so many people in their teen/early adult years, this very term illicits groans, exasperated sighs and a bountiful helping of eyerolling. I mean seriously, what gives? They have no clue!
I can remember back when I was a teen. I was just as annoyed as all of you... and goodness knows, in a shorter time than I want to admit, my own children will be at that point with me. I dread the day, and at the same time, pray that my husband and I remember what it was like being a teenager when dealing with it all.
May and June always brings a mix of emotions to the surface. As my husband and I recieve our little gifts from our boys, I am forced to remember the same such times when I was little. I grew up in a single parent household. My mom worked hard to keep our heads above the surface. Sure, I didn't have the most up-to-date styles, nor did I get to shop at the places that most of my friends did, but I really didn't care. I knew my mom couldn't afford it, so why compound the depression and stress that she was under by complaining? Instead, I concentrated on the good stuff - my mom was independent, after a long time of assistance. I was proud of her.
She was always concerned about the lack of a male influence in the family, especially for my brothers. I didn't think much of it myself. Oddly enough, I even recall telling her once when she was dating to not expect me to call him dad... I had lived eleven years without one and didn't need one then. (Yes, even then I had a very strong notion of what I wanted and didn't.) I also remember one particular Father's Day when I gave my mother a gift. Confused, she asked why. My response: If you have to serve in the position, do you not deserve to be rewarded? My mom had to be both father and mother, a roll that was very difficult. I thought she deserved the gift.
I get to claim that I chose my "father" figure. Barring any religious expressions here, I would say the most important was the dad to one of my high school sports teammates. She and I were the Twin Towers. The tallest blondes in school and always played sports together, often complimenting each other in positions. Her father was always there, always had a hug, always had advice, but you better know he had something to say when you messed up. He served in our church, he was a hard working man and believed that you reap what you sow. You work hard... you deserve the outcome and the wage. You choose not to work, then that was your problem.
Taking everything into account, I count myself lucky. Neither of these people received a handbook at the birth of their children. My mom wasn't handed a booklet that said "Here is what you need to know for the next 18 years" in her young life starting out with me. And my friend's dad didn't receive a book in the mail after he brought his wife and daughter home that gave 1001 ways to raise a child right. Parents aren't handed a manual. I can guarantee you that if there was one available, we would have all invested great money in it.
Parenting is scary adventure. You receive this tiny, helpless, squalling creature and for two years, don't even think rational thought plays a part in their existence. Then, when they discover movement and talking and "mine," life takes a new course. You have just begun the process of teaching that child everything they need to know about being a person... and it's terrifying.
What if I do it wrong?
What if I mess this kid up?
What if I push to hard, or not hard enough?
What if what I do right at this moment changes everything?
Do I work too much and is it scarring my child?
Am I setting the right example?
Why isn't what I have tried to teach sinking in?
Where did I go wrong?
Why can't I seem to do this right?
The questions go on and on. And if you have more than one child in your family... I often wonder if anyone stops and realizes that the introduction of another child in the family actually causes the whole entire process to start over again. No child is the same as his or her siblings. What worked for one, most of the time, will NOT work for the next. It is as if the parent has to relearn how to be a parent without forgetting how to be one for the other kids. I am surprised that more parents' brains have not had meltdowns in the course of human history.
I have two boys, extreme opposites. The older one - very tall for his age, athletic, highly intelligent in math and science. He loves non-fiction reading, is very sensitive to others' feelings and is everyone's friend. He hates to be the center of attention. He is the perfect mix of my husband and I.
The younger one already has one obstacle that makes him different - he is adopted. He is also very small for his age, could care less if he had to move, much less play a sport, highly artistic and loves manipulating things like jigsaw puzzles and legos. He loves fiction, dragons and transformers especially. He also believes that he has the inborn right to be the center of attention. He is the one who calls the shots and directs playtime. He is the opposite of the rest of us. Now you tell me... Just how similar is the parenting between these two?
Yes, parents are annoying. They frequently kill all fun, joy and experiences related to doing "stuff." They seemingly suck the greatness out of everything. But, no one handed them a guide. They are learning all along the way. Be annoyed. Be upset. Be frustrated. But, in all of that, be aware that at this moment they are doing the best that they can; whether or not you understand or agree.
And true, we are not perfect... If we were, you would be too.
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