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Eukara Vox -> Issue 43 - Ask Zorbak (6/4/2009 15:07:46)
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Ask Zorbak - Ezine Edition
So this month, I'm evidently expected to say something nice about my parents. And I already know what you're thinking...
Zorbak, you are an ebil Necromancer. You hate everyone. How could you POSSIBLY have anything nice to say about your parents?
Well, I hate to break it to you (actually, I don't... I LOVE contradicting people, especially when it proves my superiority), but you're all wrong. I happen to think very highly of both of my parents. After all, despite their many, many flaws they are two of the most important Moglins to ever live. They are the end result of millions of years of Moglin evolution, in which Moglin genetics changed and adapted for one specific purpose: to produce ME! Without them, I might not even exist... or worse, I could have been borne a babbling idiot like Twig or a football-headed loser like Twilly.
Also, my parents did teach me a few valuable life lessons that I carry with me to this very day:
1) Practice makes perfect.
That's why I have an older brother. Kabroz was practice; I am perfection.
2) Always be ready to make new friends.
I'm a Necromancer... I'm CONSTANTLY making new... "friends"
3) Don't run with scissors... you might put your eye out!
Well, OK, maybe I didn't quite listen to THAT one...
Anyway, as you can plainly see, I am a good son who honors and cherishes his parents. And despite our many differences, I will always have a soft spot set aside for them. It's out back, behind the Hideout, in that marshy spot under the oak tree... Meh heh heh...
And now, on with the questions!
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Nerd587 asks: I'm a necromancer but I need more skills I have a dragon amulet but I still need more skills.
I sense that you need more skills. Might I recommend a grammar-based skill that will help you differentiate between "questions" and "statements?"
Kid1688 asks: Why are you so ebil?
Because I was born ebil. You might as well ask "Why is the sky blue?" (It isn't, by the way. The sky is black and merely appears blue due to the diffusion of light through the atmosphere.) or "Why is the grass green?" (Chlorophyll).
Kylekimqaz asks: I have read about the new game you are making Warpforce Would you mind telling me a little more about it I would like to be in the beta is it online I hope so. P.S I love your games artix keep up the good work.
First of all, I noticed an error in your post-script... my name is spelled Z-O-R-B-A-K, not A-R-T-I-X. As for WarpForce, all I can tell you is that I'm sure there won't be nearly enough Zorbak involved, which means you should avoid it like the plague. However, if you insist on ignoring my sage advice (as most people do... why is that anyway? I'm always right. Well, except for that one time, when I thought I was wrong...) you can visit the WarpForce forums at http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tt.asp?forumid=263 for all the latest updates and information.
Hitmontop16 asks: Do you think I could ever defeat you? I DID defeat your brother a few times, though.
People routinely beat my brother, accidentally, when they leave their PC for a snack break and their pet cat wanders across the keyboard and presses random buttons... so that's HARDLY an indication of your martial prowess. To date, NO ONE has defeated Zorbak! You may think you have, but I merely let you "win" as required by my contract with Artix Entertainment. (As an aside to all would-be Ebil Overlords out there: ALWAYS read the fine print before you sign anything... especially if there are lawyers involved.)
cool7732 asks: Why do we have Ebil games any way?
Because ebil is good, and I need to grow the brand.
dentons329 asks: What is the meaning of life?
The meaning of YOUR life is to serve Zorbak, and assist his ebil rise to power in any way you can.
Pizzaman@90 asks: Do you like pizza?
Not especially. But I DO enjoy calling Domino's and then siccing my Undead Hordes on the pizza delivery guy when he gets to the Hideout. Evidently, their "30 minutes or it's free" guarantee doesn't factor zombie attacks into the equation... I haven't paid for a pizza in YEARS! Meh heh heh...
Dark Dragon 277 asks: Do you think dragons can be evil or not?
Dragons can be very evil... especially when you over-cook them. Nothing is more evil then wasting gold on fresh dragon steaks, only to have them turn out all tough and stringy...
justinmvaj asks: Why Twilly keep messing with you?
Because he's an idiot, and they won't let me zombify him to get him out of my fur once and for all...
krigan23 asks: Why am I asking this question?
Because you are seeking the emotional validation that can only come from seeing your question answered by an ebil blue Moglin.
linkage 1 asks: who do you think would make a better ebil apprentice me or Twilly?
That's a bit of a loaded question. I have to say you... but I say "you" in the same sense that I'd say "debilitating plague-like sickness" if someone asked me if I'd prefer debilitating plague-like sickness or Twilly..,
Welki asks: Why is your voice so high when your ebil?
My voice is perfectly normal, regardless of whether I'm being ebil or not. You should hear me sing.
Metelstar asks: why don't you show people what your hideout looks like? I mean, there's SOME people who'd like to see what evil-or ebil-stuff you have.
You've seen the dungeons... isn't that enough? It's called a "Secret Hideout" for a reason, you know... it wouldn't be much of a secret if I started showing off pictures!
tommydung asks: You have answered a lot of questions by the number 42. WHAT DOES THAT NUMBER MEANS?
It means 27. And one for the artillery...
sirzach75 asks: Do you have a heart?
Of course I have a heart. In fact, I have several. I keep them in jars down in the basement, right next to the brains.
wwiillssoonn19971997 asks: Zorbak, who trained you to become a necromancer?
I was trained by the greatest Necromancer who ever lived: ME!
emilylikespiano asks: Hey Zorbak, the last time you said that mu glen was "deliciously ebil" so how is she ebil?
Much like me, she just is. It's part of her charm.
Christian0937 asks: what is the password from the moglin punter game?????
Klaatu barada nikto.
marsman12 asks: Hello zorbak how does it have you feel that you're 100% ebil and Deady is 105%?
First of all, it is mathematically impossible to be more then 100% of anything... anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is suffering from delusions of grandeur. Secondly, I don't particularly feel anything about Deady... the day I waste my time feeling threatened by a second-tier wanna-be who is so far beneath me I'd need a shovel to find him is the day I reconsider my calling in life.
Gen!fire asks: Do you have any friends in adventure quest?
I have no friends... only minions and sycophants.
Silver Vannakka asks: How can you get a Blade of Awe?
How can I get a Blade of Awe? Easy. I can demand that someone with database access give me one. How YOU can get one is an entirely different process...
dr.who_1997 asks: When are we going to see one of your undead armies/mad creations in Aqworlds?
Not soon enough, I imagine...
littleliongirl asks: how did you get the scar across your left eye...or right eye from where I'm looking it's left?
Let's just put it this way: You know when you mother tells you not to run with scissors? You should probably listen to her...
mookle asks: Zorbak, why do zombies eat brains? why not hearts, or a nice pancreas?
Because all they want to do is eat your brains. They're not unreasonable. I mean, none of them are going to eat your eyes...
Namco12003 asks: What would happen to the Dracomancer if the Dragonslayers won the war?
They would be saved from the humiliation of being soundly defeated by Zorbak's Undead Horde when the revolution finally comes...
schalaoftime asks: Did Nythera from DragonFable cause Warlic to fade in and out in AdventureQuest?
Actually, the REAL reason Warlic is fading in and out is that I bet him $20 that he couldn't make himself invisible for ten seconds. He obviously can't do it, but he's too stubborn to give up and admit defeat so he keeps trying.
Lord Darkness asks: Why undead why not demons?
Because I'm a Necromancer, and not some kind of wacky demon-summoning cultist.
Alec Feather asks: Dear Zorbak, Why don't you transform your self into a dragon?
Why would I want to take several steps down on the evolutionary ladder? The REAL question is: Why aren't dragons trying to transform themselves into Zorbak?
bugzy55 asks: how did you and Twilly become enemies? were you brothers or something and you hated each other? please write back to me! p.s i like you better then Twilly because your a necromancer!
Twilly and I are just destined to be opposites. Like night and day, yin and yang, the Yankees and the Red Sox.. we're just never going to agree. And quite frankly, I LIKE it that way. The day I start agreeing with Twilly is the day I start seriously considering ritual suicide.
kinzvlle asks: how old are you?
Old enough to know better, young enough to do it anyway...
Meygan123 asks: why do you hate Heroes?
Because I though it really went downhill after the first season. I mean, I'm sure the writer's strike didn't help matters, but the plot of season two? Sheesh. It took WAY to long to develop, and by the time it did the ending felt forced and tacked on. And don't even get me started on Season 3...
Vishalmenon asks: How come you did not become a healer like Twilly?
Healing involves helping others; I had no time for that nonsense. I'm too busy looking out for MY needs to concern myself with the needs of others!
Vaibhavbrowny asks: Why you hate Twilly? He is very good.
And that's exactly why I hate him...
Starman904 asks: Why isn't there HARDCORE violins in your games??!!I thought you are ebil.
Because violins are much more suited to classical, not hardcore. And besides, I prefer cellos over violins for my orchestral needs.
And finally, Chaying Chang asks: Is a ninja, dragon slayer, or a wizard better?
They all pale in comparison to Necromancer, which means the best any of them could hope for is second place. And, as we all know, second place is merely the first loser.
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That wraps up another edition of "Ask Zorbak," the single greatest Moglin-based advice column ever written. I'm personally expecting my Pulitzer to show up any day now... at which time I'll wash my paws of this two-bit operation and move on to bigger and better things (like "Ask Zorbak: The Novel"). But until it does, I'll be here offering my sage advice, and making your dreary little lives just a little bit better. You should all thank me... or at the very least, contact me at zorbak@battleon.com to let me know what a great guy I am.
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