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Eukara Vox -> Issue 43 - Where Did We Put Them? (Rimblade) (6/4/2009 15:11:45)
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Where did we put them?
By Rimblade
Last Thursday, at approximately 4:30 PM, Yulgar (age unknown) of Yulgar's Inn attempted to mail a letter to his mother.
This sort of thing happens every day, and is a huge inconvenience to the Office of the Postmaster General of Battleon.* The basic problem, as it turns out, is that Yulgar does not put the address of his mother on the envelope.
"Yeeeah, it's a nice jam, all in all," a Postal Inspector, who has asked to remain anonymous, informed The Zardian. "I mean, we're supposed to look up 'er address in the books afterward, right? Only guess what? No mention of 'er! Can't send the mail back to 'im, 'cause of regulations. Have to toss it into the Office of Lost Letters, which is Bert's department. At this point, over 'alf of all mail goes there, and we haven't 'eard from Bert for three weeks. Strange noises suggest that maybe the mail's become sentient and ate 'em. I never really liked Bert enough ta check."
That's right- over 50% of all the mail across Battelonia never reaches its destination.** Appalled by this state of affairs, employees at The Zardian wasted no time in flocking to the Post Office and demanding they issue refunds for the stamps wasted. An hour later, however, this proud institution reported the disturbing news to the Guardian Knights of Battleon, who organized an inquest into the matter.
It has been several days since the investigations began, and the knights dispatched have reported success in determining the root of the problem- nobody seems to have any idea where their parents live.
What appeared to be a simple matter has now become a panic, sweeping the Guardian Tower. The scene inside today was chaos, knights running to and fro, assisting the highest officers of the land in figuring out just what in the name of Lorethia is going on. "Seriously," one red-faced knight exclaimed, "how did we actually forget our own mothers?!"
The investigation has split into three parties for greater efficiency,*** each comprised of the finest minds and sword of Battleon, working under the most distinguished and canny officers. These task forces are as follows:
The Commission on Finding Out Why We All Forgot Where Our Parents Are
Task Force: FIND THEM
Committee on Thinking Up A Really Good Excuse For All This For When We Do Find Them.
"Listen," Sir Jeckyll, leader of the third Committee told The Zardian, "wherever they are, they're not going to be happy that we've apparently forgotten their birthdays for years now. It is of the utmost importance, both for the comfort of the citizens and the integrity of the state, that we have a really, really good excuse. Currently, our top Wizards are running tests with 'A whole flight of Red Dragons turned out to have been eating all the mail.' "
"Just pray that none of them turn out to actually be living IN Battleon," he warned.
The Zardian, which will be assisting the Guardian Knights in their inquiries into the matter (this author is currently coming up with a very involved excuse involving a hunting trip and barrels of magical potion which makes the drinker sleep for years), appreciates any information which might lead to a breakthrough. If you see any of your own parents, do not hesitate to stare at them for several seconds, scream, run to the Zardian offices and babble incoherently in a melodramatic fashion.****
Thank you for your co-operation in this delicate matter.
*Those wondering where exactly said office is are advised to squint. Budget cuts have forced many Battleonian state institutions to cut back, and the Post Office is one of them.
**Mail directed to Bert of the Office of Lost Letters, on the other hand, always makes it in a timely fashion.
***Because splitting up works so well in movies!
****Current expedition plans- enter Death's Realm and head BACK through time to make contact with Zorbak's grandmother. She is currently the prime suspect of these investigations, and is believed to be very dangerous. Avoid making any baby-related jokes near her.
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