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Eukara Vox -> Issue 43 - The Trials of a Motherboard (Rimblade) (6/4/2009 15:12:22)
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The Trials of a Motherboard
By Rimblade
beep... beep... beep... beep...
Interviews are an important part of any journalistic endeavor. They add flavor and credibility to the articles and editorials, and they provide an important insight into the minds and lives of top celebrities and political figures. Here at The Zardian, we're dedicated to providing the best possible insight into the workings of the big-names of LORE. Indeed, it is with some pride that we can say that no less than three of our authors have had restraining orders filed against them by major Lorian figures, a sure sign of a strong investigative approach to journalism.*
Sadly, a number of pending lawsuits have led our law offices at The Zardian to discourage us from pursuing further interviews at this time with 'Any person of Lore or within the contemporary plane, living or dead, on pain of death by slow torture', an unfortunate turn of events for our proud institution. Not to be dissuaded by adversity, the cunning directors of operations at The Zardian came up with an ingenious and almost-entirely-legal plan; an interview with something neither alive NOR dead!
There was a minor problem with this plan: the owner and operator of a prominent Mecha manufacture plant within Soluna City, the name of which has been omitted from this record for reasons of privacy and our legal department's dislike of being sued (On a completely and totally unrelated note, what rhymes with 'Mech's Tek'?), refused to allow our ace reporters in. Repeatedly. Once with the use of heavy ordinance.**
-So, with that bit of background, The Zardian proudly presents an exclusive interview with none other than one of the powerful computers which controls the assembly lines for Mecha creation!-
The Zardian: Okay, lower me down. Slower! Slower! Keep quiet! We can't let anyone wake up!
Motherboard: INTRUDER DETECTED. INITIALIZING LASER SAWS.
TZ : Wait! No! I just want to ask you some questions!
MB : SPIES IDENTIFIED. ACTIVATE ROTATING SAW-BLADE PENDULUM.
TZ : NONONONO! I need to know if you feel love!
MB : EQUIPPING ROBOT ARMS WITH FLAMING CHAINSAW SW- Wait, love? Have I ever loved?
- Okay, take two. -
TZ : So, tell our readers what you do at this completely unidentified generic facillity.
MB : Why do you keep referring to it as-
TZ : Please! Time is of the essence!
MB : Very well. I serve as the primary AI monitor and operator for this floor. I am responsible for assisting robotic operations and preforming calculations for human overseers.
TZ : I see. So you're personally responsible for the assembly of the mech chassis which come off this floor?
MB : Affirmative.
TZ : So... what does it feel like, seeing the kids leave home?
MB : This unit is not programmed to feel loss.
TZ : Heh, don't give me that! I'm an expert on computum-ups, you know. I've read all about that kooky stuff where AI's suddenly start killing everything, singing, activating doomsday devices, what have you.
MB : This unit is entirely sane. Entirely sane. Entirely sane. eNtirely saNe. ENtirEly SAne. E-
TZ : Right, right, I've got it. But, speaking purely hypothetically, what would it feel like if you COULD feel loss?
MB : In an entirely speculative frame of reference... it would be the purest depths of sadness. I would weep bitterly every time my babies stepped out and into the real world. But I... I know they'll make me proud. I know that they will do their best. And I know exactly what their best is, as plotted on this line graph, where T is time in years and X is alien heads smashed in.
TZ : That is so sweet. In an entirely psychotic sort of way. Continuing on a theoretical note, what do you think it's like for the mechs, growing up with only transient student parents for company?
MB : Here at <Name removed for protection - Ed>, we guarantee that our top-of-the-line mechs are purchased only by qualified mech pilots, and our customers are always of the highest repute. Of course... I admit, some nights, I hypothetically would re-activate and spend hours wondering how those poor mechas are doing. What if they aren't receiving the love they need to remain at optimal performance? Are they using the right kind of oil? I SWEAR, IF ANY OF YOU ARE DOING DIESEL... ***
TZ : Right! Right, um. What advice would you give your customers?
MB : Take... take good care of my babies. Keep them cool and polished, and don't overclock them too much. Make sure that they've got company, and don't let them slack on their studies! A mind is a terrible thing to have rendered down into slag metal! Don't stay up after twenty-one-hundred-hours, and make sure that they get a tune-up every twenty thousand miles, whether you think they need it or not! Also, make sure that you arm them with only the most powerful munitions on the market.
TZ : Touching, so that's... the most powerful what?
MB : I can't stand the thought of my babies using inferior weapons! Remember- Big Blasts are Better Blasts! Napalm, flamethrowers, lasers, missiles! Oh yes, mecha love the thrill of the BOOM! Oh, just thinking about it...
TZ : ...there you have it folks. Thank you for the interview, Ted, please start pulling me up. A bit faster, please.
MB : Autoturrets, motion-sensor bombs! Razor blades, photon cannons! AHAHA, YES, FIRE FIRE FIRE!
TZ : FOR THE LOVE OF THE ELEMENTS, FASTER! TED, GET ME TO THE CHOPPER! NOW!
Hon. Esq. Prof. Dr. Rimblade is celebrating his 400th near-death experience soon. Due to safety concerns, he has asked The Zardian not to disclose where, when, or anything other than the fact that he will be well-armed and 'ready for 'em'.
*Trivia: Did you know that the element Robina uses to attack is NOT based on what color her clothes are? Several galleons of paint and a number of painful arrow-wounds have allowed The Zardian to bring you this news!
**On an ENTIRELY related note, guess what rhymes with 'ARRRRGH! THE PAIN!' Give up? That's not what our reporter did!
***I've recently been informed that mechs do not use fossil fuels, but rather are powered by mana. My own mecha is powered by the tears of children, so I don't claim to be an expert. I just tell it like it is, folks.
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