RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (Full Version)

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ringulreith -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/16/2009 21:06:48)

*pokes Pie's pom-pom* Get out of your hidy hole right now!

quote:


Jenkins and Reaver stopped the poking, and watched Mog get bigger and bigger and bigger. Mog go so huge that his feet were the entire height of Necro, making Mog a giant moogle of doom. “Kupo!” he bellowed in a gigantic bass voice that shook the ground.
grew




deathwalker05 -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/16/2009 21:31:37)

Lol, you got him so bored hes rereading....we NEED a new chapter.




Ultrapowerpie -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/17/2009 13:11:40)

*Moogle feels lurved and goes to correct mistake*

I know, but some RL events have been keeping me behind... like tons of HW, hitting a deer with my car (I'm ok, Car needs some fixing though), and other stuff... I can't promise when the next chapter will be up. I know y'all want it, but meh muse isn't working with me *slaps Grim* and RL is conspiring against me as well :(




BadHulk -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/17/2009 14:20:26)

Poor Deer o.o... R.I.P deer. Didn't Necro killed that one!? OMG OMG OMG YOU KILLED NECRO'S DEER T-T

*Cough* Sorry. I hope next chapter comes soon, I'm bored o.o... You're story's are the most fun ^-^




ringulreith -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/18/2009 9:11:37)

O.O R.I.P Deer. May your life in the afterlife be wondrous and may you find peace and harmony!

^_^ Don't worry Pie, take your time. 'Sides, I'd much rather a chapter that takes long to come out than a rushed one.




KageArashi -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/18/2009 22:24:07)

Well after two hours of reading, including distractions, I have finally read all 22 chapters on one shot! Good stuff there pie! I sent you a PM, with mainly more speculations on the Direct Feed Connection.

quote:

Grim quickly sent a fire ball at the dummy, and then proceeded to touch it with his right pointer finger. “This is right up your ally. Poison is a permanent condition that will decrease the enemy’s health over time unless they get cured of it.


Just a small mistake in chapter 4, I believe 'ally' should be 'alley'.

I'm also confused as to how strong all the characters are in the story currently. I know that Nerco is level 25, but what of the others? Are the all near the same level? Reaver also seems to be pulling out a bit of big magic. And the orbs, how much do they multiply their power? As for demi-gods, they seemed a bit underpowered?

That's it for now, I'll as more tedious and annoying questions when you have a new chapter out. Hahahahaha!

Ninjat Poof!
--KageArashi




Ultrapowerpie -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/19/2009 9:22:56)

Everyone is level 25, Grim has a "party exp" system where all exp is evenly distributed. And by sheer magic, everyone requires the same amount of exp to level up up.

Of COURSE they're underpowered, it's been mentioned multiple-times that they're still human. They won't achieve demi-god status until they're level 100, when they become full-fledged Reapers.

Will correct later, and somewhat working on the next chapter. Finally got some inspiration to start it up >.>




Ultrapowerpie -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/19/2009 21:24:20)

ZOMP, I DID IT!

The next chapter is up... it's darker then I had planned it, but one of the fun things about writing this story is that I usually have no idea what's going to happen until I start writing :D

Don't know when the next chapter will be up, don't hold your breath for it though. :P

My only regret is that I can't actually draw. I would love to actually see some pictures of some of these scenes... curse my lack of artistic ability >.>




deathwalker05 -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/19/2009 23:21:37)

Good chapter, and good way of avoiding that pg-13 thing =)




Ultrapowerpie -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/20/2009 14:39:12)

Really? That's good to know, I was hoping the whole "dark" aspect wasn't overdone :)




BadHulk -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/20/2009 14:46:43)

Pie: We got Artists for that ya know? They can sketch it totally good.




Ultrapowerpie -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/20/2009 15:11:00)

We do have artists? Where? :o




BadHulk -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/20/2009 15:28:44)

Creative Art? Get some pictures of the characters and they'll do their best




Ultrapowerpie -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/20/2009 15:57:33)

That's the problem, I don't have pictures of teh characters. I can barely draw stick figures ;_;




Fleur Du Mal -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/20/2009 16:11:27)

Hiyas!

I managed to get myself swamped today/last night so I'm not as far into your story that I was hoping for. I have only read up to the beginning of chapter 2. Nonetheless, I can offer you some first impressions and hope you find the helpful instead of just utterly and completely blunt. =P

I definitely enjoy the humour. Another positive surprise was how well you have managed to build a distinctive charcterization for the Grim Reaper. I didn't yet get a good grasp of the nerd, but that's only due to the fact that I've only started to read this. Yet another good solution was to put the background info into a quite casual sounding dialogue between the nerd and the Reaper; this, imo, helped to reduce the feel of info-dumping the reader significantly.

Since I'm hopelessly overtuned into detecting the verb 'to be', especially in the past tense, I can't help but noting that there were a few spots where you could've used different verbs, imo. Escpecially since you have a strong element of humour in the story, I think that you could take the most out of your descriptions as well and try playing with different rewordings when you describe the setting. I'm mostly referring to the beginning of this paragraph:

quote:

The room the figure was in was a rather large circular room, with a 100 foot radius. The voluptuous room was not of any artificial construction, rather, it was a giant chamber inside a vast cave system. At the same time, the room was decorated with a very “sci-fi” feel to it: high tech comfy chairs next to computer monitors everywhere, odd gadgets adorning random tabletops and counters, cool plasma-lamps on every desk, giant monitors around the wall displaying random videos of places or charts of stuff that seemed incomprehensible to the average observer. The room had a “war-room” feel to it, emphasized by the giant conference table in the middle of the room, with 7 chairs around the large rectangular table: 3 on each side with one seat at the head. It was the latter seat that the figure went to, almost seeming to glide upon the floor rather then walk. After sitting at the head, he pushed a button on the mini-computer in front of him.

I'd suggest getting rid of at least the double 'was' in the beginning. This could be done with a simple substitution with 'sat' but that functions only to cut the repetition, not so much in adding description. So, since you told in the previous paragraph that the figure is swriling in his chair, you could refer to that with some humorous remark and reword the whole sentence. Suggestion:
'The figure sat torturing the springs of his chair in a rather large circular room with a 100-foot radius.'
This version would also cut down the repetition of the word 'room'. Note that I put a hyphen between 100 and foot, as I suspect this is a similar case of compound modifiers as 5-year-old boy would be.

Imo, another obvious spot to try out editing would be the next sentence with two of those sneaky little verbs:
'The voluptuous room was not of any artificial construction, rather, it had formed as a part of a vast cave system.'
or, if you want to hear a little more creative suggestion from me =P:
'The voluptuous room was not of any artificial construction, rather, it had bloated as a geological bubble to form a giant chamber inside a vast cave system.'

There are some moments in the story such as this where you end up repeating a certain word or expression. Imo, you could check for these when editing, especially around descriptive parts.

In this paragraph, you could, for eaxmple, cut down the number of 'rooms' with replacing some of them with 'space':
'The voluptuous space was not of any artificial construction, rather, it had bloated as a geological bubble to form a giant chamber inside a vast cave system.'
'The space had a "war-room" feel to it, empahsized by the giant conference.'


In chapter 1, whilst I like the dialogue, I found myself hoping for a little more descriptions on the actions and how the surroundings effect one them. For example, you mention the root beer and how the Grim Reaper at one point puts it down. Imo, you could add to these points where you already have the pauses in the dialogue. The nerd might, for example, stare at the empty container or maybe it could make a metallic, sharp sound that would cause the nerd to flinch. Or, he could drop a piece of the pie on his trousers and be very uneasy about it -- the Grim Reaper could take out a tissue and pat it off... Possibilities are endless. Something along those lines, anyways. While I think the background explanation is well executed with the dialogue, I did occasionally start to feel like there's just two talking heads in a vacuum. I think more actions and reactions in those spots would make this scene feel more lively. Just my opinion, though.

Lastly a minor detail: in chapter 1, I noticed that here you have used single quotes:
quote:

I said I’d explain. You’re probably what the definition of ‘magic’ is.

While with other similar cases, you have used double-quotes.


OK, those were my intial thoughts, I'll return with more comments as I read the story forward.




ringulreith -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/21/2009 13:19:12)

Love the new chapter. Only thing bad about it is that it ended too soon. But all your chapters end too soon. xd




KageArashi -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/21/2009 21:16:10)

Hmm...nice!

You seem to have an extra space towards the beginning of the chapter, a small mistake. It does seem a bit darker than your other chapters, with the needless death and all that. But I take it that even is required for further character development. How are all the The Roughnecks lever 25? I know they all didn't start out that way. Jenna and Necro, I can understand, but Loki and Reaver? And wouldn't killing a battalion of paladins push them to a level currently beyond 25? How about death magic-resistant armor and spells, why didn't they have any of that? For zealots, they generally cover a lot of ground in their eagerness to slay all those different.

One of the points, I liked in this chapter, is when you broke the forth wall at the start. It was pretty awesome to read that part, seeing as many authors don't do that. But that's enough out of me for now! Fabula completely decimates my post size, Hahahaha! XD!

Ninjat Poof!
--KageArashi




Ultrapowerpie -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/21/2009 21:35:05)

Loki was level 25 when they hooked up, Reaver was level 5, Jenna level 10. How you ask? Why it's all pure luck and magic. Some things in this story just can't be explained by logic :P

Ahh, yeah, about the exp from that fight... Bone Bomb nulllifies all rewards you get from enemies, and technically speaking, the weather offed the paladins, not the Reapers themselves. It'll be explained by Grim in the next chapter.

Death resistant armor? Of course they have it, however that acid rain was a fairly high level spell that over powered their armor. That Black Acid is very very acidic, and makes water as the "universal solvent" look like a joke :P

As for Fabula's post... I'll get on that. I will note that as a mechanical engineer, I lurv meh be verbs, and will use them often. I'll have a more constructive response to your post later, after my engineering expo is over, which is tomorrow.




KageArashi -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/22/2009 1:41:11)

Hahaha! Ok, its one of the many laws or writing...if the author wants it to work, it WILL work! XD!

So in essences, they gained nothing by offing all those paladins?

Good luck in your expo!

Ninjat Poof!
--KageArashi




BadHulk -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/23/2009 8:54:33)

@Kage: Yes, as Pie explained: The spell that Necro used to blow up all Stalfans, nullified all EXP they would get if he didn't use that.




Ultrapowerpie -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/23/2009 14:15:15)

@Fabula- Thanks for critiquing, allow me to respond:

Oh deah, a be verb hatah? I'mah terrahbly sowwah, but ish lurvs be verbs. I was forced as a kid in middle school to always obliterate half of those poor verbs, so in high school when that was no longer mandatroy (as we had "other stuff" to focus on >.>), I brought them back with a vengence. Be-verbs are extremely low on my priority list of things to edit, but since you did have the decency to make a few suggestions, I'll toy/impliment them later (after the upcoming test season dies down >.>)

Yes, a lack of detail is another failing of mine. I absolutely despise "flowery language", and adopted a writing style that skimped on detail and focused more on dialouge/action. I'll go back through and add more details.

As for the quotes thing, yes, that should be double quotes as it is with everything, thanks for catching that. I'll correct that later.

New chapter is begun! That means I got about a page's worth of content. MIGHT have it up this weekend, might not, no promises.




BadHulk -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/23/2009 15:39:51)

Well, I cant wait till the new chapter Pie. Hurry up... I'm bored without your story o.O




Ultrapowerpie -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/23/2009 22:41:27)

This next chapter includes an excellent rant by Grim that takes a crack at poetry, a rant I highly support and hope everyone views poetry with the same disdain as Grim does. If you don't, you will be mobbed :P

What else will it include? More planning, another minor skirmish raid (unless I decide to be bold and actually plan the next stage of attacking the Fortress in there, but don't expect it... depends on meh mood), and possibly other stuffs. Expect another intro explination sequence of various stuffs :o




Gianna Glow -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/24/2009 1:13:08)

Disdain at poetry? O.o poor you! apparently I deserve to be mobbed! :( *sniff, sniff*




Ultrapowerpie -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (9/24/2009 8:35:40)

Well, it's directed more towards "classic poetry" and possibly "classic" works then modern poetry, it's ok, ish still lurvs y'all :D




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