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Fleur Du Mal -> RE: The Myths of Nedera (7/7/2009 15:39:32)
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Hmm. Intriguing.
I loved the part where Caroyn starts to create the universe for Brithing because of her daughter's thirst to learn.
The style is very fitting for a mythological story, imo, with all of those 'It was at that moment' and 'When it was time' sentence starters.
Although the repetition also fits the style, I started to suspect if there was too much of it to my own personal liking. Especially when the names get repeated in three consecutive sentences, of when a certain word gets that same repetition (examples below in the details).
Some comments on details + a few typos:
First Myth:
1) (from the paragraphs I loved:)
quote:
Thus, Caroyn became the Creation Goddess. Caroyn, in her effort to find something for her daughter to love and enjoy, set about to create the universe. The first thing Caroyn did was duplicate the very light that her daughter shone with and scattered it throughout the nothingness, creating the stars.
Might I suggest dropping out the second one of these? Imo, the sentence would still fit the style, even if it would began: 'In her effort to find....'
2) (from the opening paragraph:)
quote:
Before Nedera, before the stars, before the great Light Herself, Helutha, was a time of nothingness. Amidst this nothingness was Caroyn, the beginning, the Goddess of creation, the Great Mother and the Lady of Tears. No one knows how long she existed alone, amid the nothingness. But at one point she decided that there should be more than her solitary existence.
One the other hand, this /is/ very powerful tool, but again, my personal preference would say 'nothingness' is a sort of a word that could do with lesser repeating. Especially since in the last sentence where it's repeated, you have also the word 'alone.' It's totally up to you, of course. Some weight might be taken away:
' No one knows how long she existed alone. But at one point she decided that there should be more than her solitary existence.'
3) quote:
Brithing grew and with that growth, was an insatiable need to learn.
You have employed the verb 'to be' a lot throughout the Myths. I have no general complaints about that, but here, another verb would seem more natural to me: 'came'
4)quote:
Faster and faster they spun until the elements of heat, light, and energy became intertwined, clinging too each other desperately.
Just a typo: 'to'
Second Myth:
1)quote:
One day, Darnya approached his uncle with concern. He asked about the obvious affection that Morres had for Nedera and encouraged him too talk to her.
Another one: 'to'
2)quote:
He told her of his love for her, compared her to the stars that shown above.
'shone'?
3)quote:
Delyn heard of this and felt something within him that was foreign.
This is another one of those points where I wonder if the verb could be substituted with another. On the other hand, this structure would fit in the storytelling of a myth, on the other hand those two words aren't really needed, imo.
This could be chopped to simpler version:
'Delyn heard of this and felt something foreign within him.'
or, if another verb is needed:
'Delyn heard of this and felt something foreign stirring within him.'
Just a thought.
4)quote:
Her tears, where they mingled with the waters, turned it bitter,
I absolutely loved the imagery of tears turning the sweet waters bitter, btw.
5)quote:
Fir the first time, a god felt sorrow and Ferhvel roared in pleasure.
Just a typo: 'For'
6)quote:
Her heart now broke for her children and she went too them, tears in her own eyes and held them both.
Just another typo: 'to'
7)quote:
His actions brought three new gods into her realm, gods she had known was possible, yet denied would ever come to be, for her children and husband had not shown the capacity to succumb to the other side of her creation.
This sentence perplexes and confuses me. I just don't understand it. Is there something wrong in the formulation, or am I just not paying enough attention to each word?
8)quote:
When it was time fro her to give birth, great pain struck her, a pain she had never before experienced with Darnya and Grasith.
One more typo: 'for'
All comments I got for now. And ready to read more. =)
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