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Eukara Vox -> Issue 44 - Conspiracy Corner: Vacations (Cow Face) (7/7/2009 13:49:07)
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Conspiracy Corner: Vacations
By Cow Face, at the Zardian e-Zine
"Oh, Random Adventurer, isn't this romantic?"
"Yes, my darling Other Random Adventurer. It was so kind of Pirate (Name Here) to give us this complimentary glass of non-alcoholic beverage. ...I say, is that what I think it is!?"
"No, Random Adventurer! It can't be! It- it is! Aiee! A Robot Zombie Pirate Ninja Ghost Spellblade-Ranger Hybrid with Leet Hax Skilzorz! Run for your life!!"
Another vacation ruined by- er- whatever that thing was. Such a shame, isn't it? And all because of the undeniable fact that vacations are evil!
We all look forward to vacations. They're the time when we get to kick back and forget all about our school/work/sentence to be chained to a damp, horrifying dungeon wall.* Too bad vacations are often ruined by evildoers overrunning your campsite/pool/makeshift escape raft built from sticks and your own discarded skin cells. Of course, no-one can change the fact that this will always happen, always has happened, and is happening right now.** Even though the criminal population outnumbers the adventuring crew at a ratio of approximately 482,935:1, that doesn't mean we can't have a little fun! If you can't vacation easy, vacation smart. Because, after all, knowing is half the battle. I have compiled a handy guide to vacations, summed up in a few simple rules.
Rule One: Keep Your Friends Close, Your Weapons Closer, and Your Enemies At An Appropriate Striking Distance.
Is there anything more irritating than going to your campsite and finding out that it has been appropriated by the Zard Scouts of Lore?*** The way to avoid such an unfortunate occurrence is to always have your weapon of choice at hand. Be it a flail, blade, your bare hands or a legendary whip constructed of completely malleable steel and your own discarded skin cells*, this will soon deter anyone from overtaking your territory.****
Rule Two: Know Your Surroundings.
Some people can't find their way out of a Zeel-skin bag. I prefer punching a large hole in the bag myself, but others prefer to actually navigate out. To each their own. If you're the type who fancies yourself Sir Francis Drake, at least be aware of the cover available near you. When many people hear this rule, they think it's so that you can know whether your pets are allowed,***** the kind of camp gear you'll need (if any), whether the glasses of non-alcoholic beverage are complimentary, and so on. No. The reason for this rule is so that you know how thick and tall the rocks are, how dense the foliage is, etc. With this information, you have a 45.341-percent higher chance of being able to dodge any non-enchanted crossbow bolt that comes after you. If, that is, the conditions are suitable for such a dodge. Oh, and if your Dexterity/Reflex stat is high enough. It would also be of assistance to have a pretty high Luck number... maybe some Perception, if you have that. An enchanted cuirass or chassis would be a big help. Or just avoiding making any enemies of those who carry enchanted crossbows.
Rule Three: The Bathroom Is Not Clean.
This rule is extremely important for those of you who must make a stop for gas (or mana, depending on your mech type). No more needs to be said on this subject.
Rule Four: There Is No Rule Seven.
Seven is entirely too lucky a number to be in a guide which depends in no part on luck. Just ignore that last bit of Rule Three, please.
Rule Five: You Can Never Have Too Much Insert Object Here.
Hold up, I'm being informed of something. Yes? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes! No. Right, you too. No, you're picking up dinner this time. I'm not going to hang up first, you hang up first. Ah, um, never mind... I have been told that I am required to make a note here: This article in no way endorses the EvilCorp product "Insert Object Here." While I am sure that this portal device was both a triumph and a huge success, I cannot, due to standard operating protocol, enhance the truth in any way, shape or form. While I did not wish to have to inform you all of this, I do what I must because I can.
As for the actual rule, this is important. While your inventory may have as few as eight slots, don't forget that some items are stackable. Wouldn't you feel silly if while you were enjoying a lovely walk in the constant, eerie moonlight of Darkovia Forest, you suddenly ran out of mana potions to maintain your will-o'-the-wisp? Many a great adventurer has been lost by simply not being prepared.******
Rule Six: Expect the Easily Expected.
Can you think of a single time that anything you did on any instance of Lore went perfectly fine, without any interruptions from monsters? I certainly can't. Indeed, while I was writing this very article, I often had to fight off infinitely spawning monsters. As such, this is something that must be expected to occur with every step you take. If you have a feeling that something's going to go wrong, you're probably right. Murphy's Law is true. No exceptions.
Rule Eight: Follow All of the Above Rules.
This is arguably the most important rule of all. With this guide, you will never have another vacation ruined by random encounters. Hopefully. Good luck, and have a great rest-of-the-summer!
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* They still can't prove those allegations, thank Lorithia.
** Back, back I say! I worked all day on that raft!
*** Besides the Zard Scouts themselves?
**** With the possible exception of someone who has a bigger legendary whip.
***** Whether giant monsters who are dubiously on your side count as pets...
****** While similar, this is not the same motto of the Zard Scouts. Their motto is "Be Prepared To Be Mercilessly Glomped."
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* Editor's note: Have Cow Face checked out for his obsession with discarded skin cells..
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