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Eukara Vox -> Issue 44 - A Hitchhiker's Guide to Vacations (Rimblade) (7/7/2009 13:56:04)
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A Hitchhiker's Guide to Vacations
By Rimlade
This week, on the Zardian's Moggy Award-winning Reviews of Books You'll Never Read, the Zardian is proud to present an informative and objective look at A Hitchhiker's Guide to Vacationing.
A Hitchhiker's Guide to Vacationing, the much-anticipated follow-up to A Hitchhiker's Guide to Working Hard and Succeeding at Your Job by author Ivan Burkes Plagerizen, has finally begun to make the rounds in bookstores and scriptoriums across Lore, and rumors have been flying. Popular speculation holds this guide will follow in its predecessor's footsteps as the definitive work in the guidebook market; but does the book live up to the hype?* Let's begin our in-depth look at Mr. I. B. Plagerizen's literary opus.
The Cover
The cover and title page for this work are beautifully illustrated, using designs from the famous artist Claude Van Generic. One needs only glance at the bold lines and hypnotic hues surrounding the brazen advice 'Don't Picnic!' to understand the quality of the work within. This volume is bound in reinforced hide, very resistant to the elements, and bears a genuine silver-alloy magical rune of warding worked into the spine, allegedly designed by the great Warlic himself. With such a lovely and sturdy volume, it's easy to see why so many critics are raving!**
Chapter One- Finding Time to Vacation
Thus begins the epic masterpiece, and it starts off on a high note! The great author knows, of course, that all vacations begin before one even leaves the desk, and his advice here is invaluable.
Excerpt-... with those items in hand, carefully poison your superior's drink, thereby making certain that he will absolutely require the use of a restroom before an hour's time. As the only restroom in the entire world is in Yulgar's Inn, he shall require some time. With him gone, carefully take your vacation request form to his desk and forge his signature, thereby granting yourself permission. Well done! With minor effort and very few major crimes, you have begun your journey!
Chapter Two- Packing
Naturally, one cannot go anywhere without first getting ready. If you've ever had issues loading suitcases and choosing personal items, this chapter is absolutely certain to easily solve them.
Excerpt-... and thereby, you have both secured your pets in the carriers AND shredded your carrots, with a single action. Next, we choose what to place in our bags. No matter what length of time you plan to go, it is never a requirement to pack more than a single extra outfit, so long as there are sources of clothing nearby which one can obtain via larceny. Furthermore, one should realize that there is an excess of food vendors wherever the traveler is likely to wander. These cheerful folks are rarely canny to the time-tested tactic of knocking them out with one mighty blow to the head and taking everything they own.
Chapter Three- DO NOT PICNIC
Here we, erm, learn the most important secret to defense on a vacation. Surely it will serve the reader well.
Excerpt-... I swear, gentle reader, a BEAR of truly impressive size, and wearing upon it a green hat. Chuckling madly, it swept my pic-a-nic basket away from me, and went tearing off into the trees. But this is nothing compared to the second indignity, wherein a great line of fire ants did march forth from the brush and pick up my picnic towel, and myself also, and carry me off. For many days, I sought madly for respite amid...
Chapter Four- The Three T's- Thrift, Theft and... Thoroughfares
In Chapter Four, the good author expounds further upon his unique stratagem for the destitute vacationer. Very unique.
Excerpt-... so the horse will now listen only to you. If the horse is not already attached to a wagon, it is best to find and steal one as soon as possible, preferably in the dark of the night. With these two items, we are prepared to both move with some speed across Battelonia's many excellent highways, we are also well-equipped to make deals with any smugglers we might encounter (See: Identifying Fellow Ne'er-do-vacationers, pg 205) For all of this speed and essential convenience, we have still not yet spent a dime!
Chapter Five- On Summoning Demons To Aid Us
Er. This reviewer expects that this highly-controversial chapter will certainly aid some kinds of... traveler.
Excerpt-... so you can see that these spirits provide for both valuable service and protection. Without the shadow of a doubt, this is the best option for the modern vacationer. On the next page, the astute reader will notice the signs of the Elemental Lords, corrupted by the blackest necromancers. These are excellent for use as focii...
Chapter Six- On Those We Must Smite!
Okay. Okay. I'm not sure what to say about this. It seems to be less a list of places fit to vacation and more a table of places the author disapproves of.
Excerpt-... and they laughed at me. LAUGHED AT ME! But who shall have the last laugh, eh? Eh? It will be me, oh yes. Yess. Vacation there, my friends, in your thousands and in your millions. Converge upon them like a great army, with your demon servitors! Let them flee, and let the tears of their children poison the very land upon which they dwell! AHAHAHAH!
Chapter Seven- Ia! Ia!
This, this is totally mad. Half the words are backwards, and the others shift horribly as you look at them. I don't care WHAT this guy paid, no amount of gold is worth the screaming nightmares I've had ever since I started trying to read this. The book laughs at me as I slumber, and there is so much blood. Nothing will ever wash it off my hands. Nothing! Unless... Unless... Yes...
The production of the Guide was later discontinued, after a dozen other reviewers followed Mr. Rimblade into the asylum after his mad attempt to paint the Guardian Tower with huge red runes*** All copies of this book should be reported to the local Order of Paladins at once.
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*And are the bribes required to ensure a glowing review from The Zardian too high? These questions, and many more, are about to be answered!
**The powerful curses of derangement that the staff at The Zardian regularly works have nothing at all to do with it.
***Authorities have not yet determined why he was using lipstick.
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