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Eukara Vox -> Issue 45 - Frostval In Space? (Rimblade) (8/6/2009 12:51:13)
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Frostval In Space?
by Rimblade
Jingle, Jingle, Jingle; you can't hear my sleigh-bells ring! I'm drifting listless through the lonely void of space, and therefore nothing makes a sound! - Lyrics nobody has ever associated with Frostval
Hey, Readers! It's that time of year again- time for everyone's favorite winter wonder, the season's most spectacular specialty, the most magnificent miracle of all, FROSTVAL! Wait, what? Oh.
Actually, it isn't time for Frostval.* Today, it's time for a psychological exercise, and an important one at that. Please observe in all solemnity the results of this study.
Test 4b-1: How Do Holidays Improve the Lorian Spirit?
Three males and three females of Human, Elven and Drakel descent are in a room. This room is specifically designed to emulate the architecture of ships used by the Warpforce.
Human "lol zomg, this r borng lol"
Elf "All of humanity is boring anyway, you neophyte. I'm the one really suffering here. I'm too pretty to be bored!"
Drakel "What happened? Why am I in this room? I remember there was a reporter, and he pressed this-"
A new variable, 'Sandy Claws' is introduced to the room.
Human "LOL!!! 10K GOLD REWARD LOL NISE!!!"
Elf "Oh joyous occasion! The unsanctimonious introduction of this terrifying creature fills me with unexampled rapture!"
Drakel "My confusion has led me to deep anger! I shall derive joy from the brutal slaughter of this festive entity!"
As we can see, the sudden arrival of Frostval (or a favorable simulacrum thereof) has engendered joy and interest in our otherwise destitute subjects. Now, let us examine the control group.
Human "Unlike my fellows, I am unusually articulate."
Elf "Unlike my fellows, I actually hold very few presumptions, and am an altogether amicable fellow.**
Drakel "Lol u tlk fny lol"
Nothing happens for several hours.
Human "My spirit is broken, squelched beneath that heavy denial of the passions which is by all men known as Oblivion. I dream of it, long for it. To be, or not to be- that is the question indeed."
Elf "I... I'm sorry, guys. I just can't go on. I just- life is so meaningless. I feel a deep desire to write very vivid, but altogether uninspiring poems."
Drakel "SO BOARD OMG. Watev i gona go play evilside nao kk cya."
And so was born DARKING22341xxx, a dark force of impossible evil which swept across all the galaxies, fomenting from his twisted space-throne such horrific deeds that all of creation was thrown into tumult by his works.
This, as I'm certain anyone of a scientific bent can ascertain, is irrefutable proof that only holiday interaction keeps Lore from devolving into a vast saga of tragedy, gothic poems, and evil masterminds with uncreative titles who shatter the blades of kings across their skull-capped knees. While this is important information, it would normally be fairly worthless to Lore as a whole. After all, Lore is chock-full of holidays, and they all arrive at their appointed yearly times.
But what happens when one travels into SPACE?
In space, nobody can hear you laugh. Nobody can hear you scream. Nobody can hear you juggle. Nobody knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness' sake.*** In short, space is like a vast, dark, evil machine, waiting to suck in unwary Warpforce members and drive them MAD with candy-less Mogloweens.
Luckily, there's something YOU can do to help. That's right, YOU. The Zardian, ever a community-oriented effort, has recently begun raising funds in order to purchase space-worthy ships, teleporters and suits for the jolly among us with the holiday spirit. This will help our brave young men and women (and elves, and drakel) who have gone to space to fight for our lives, our freedom, and our right to acquire huge sums of money. This plan, designed by the greatest minds of the age, has garnered great praise from people on Lore:
<Sandy Claws> "Yes, these powerful weapons and sophisticated doomsday-machines really do fit the holiday spirit."
<Big Daddy> "Love is in the air! And with your help, and the help of those like you, it can soon be in space too! And then nothing can ever stop it."
<Order Golem> "POINT OF ORDER: APRIL FOOL'S DAY IS NOT A HOLIDAY. NOW YOU MUST BE NERFED TO THE GROUND, FOOLISH REPORTER."
<Leprechaun> "If ye want me pot 'o gold, ye'll have to come take it! FROM ME MooN BASE AT THE END O' THE RAINBOW!"
Please, give generously.
If you would like to donate to the 'Space Race' effort, simply send your money by messenger-pigeon to the dark and windowless tower in the southern mountains currently used as The Zardian offices. Thank you!
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*It is always time for Frostval... in our hearts.
**Again, it's always alliteration
***I refer specifically to Mr. Nihilus Disether Nobody, a life-long resident of Battleon. He envies those with poor hearing.
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