Mortuus Surrexit *title pending* (Comments and Criticism) (Full Version)

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UrufuHiken -> Mortuus Surrexit *title pending* (Comments and Criticism) (8/13/2009 5:11:30)




Updates: (4/4/2010)

Okay, so I lied about the "soon" part. No sense in crying about it, I'm back now! And don't bother asking where I've been or why I took down my other story, for my answers to that would be a story and a half. None the less, I apologize for not being consistent and thus rude to those who were reading my stories. I intend to try and keep my visits more consistent and update often, so I may actually get somewhere with this story.

Thanks to my goo friend Tyler for writing his own stories and reminding me that I have to stop being lazy and work on mine.

And by the way, happy Easter everybody!


Update: (4/6/2010)

I fixed a few problems I found with Chapter 1 and extended it, giving more information on Maxwell Johnson and the organization he works for. Hope you enjoy it!


Update: (4/14/2010)

I have finally added chapter 3, though I do not in anyway consider it to be done. Expect more updates on it later.



BadHulk -> RE: Mortuus surrectum *title pending* (Comments and Criticism) (8/13/2009 8:11:31)

Small tip:

Use this link instead: http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=16486756&mpage=1& else it shows the annoying ?

Memories came flooding back to him, but angrily, brutally he shoved them away Willing himself to move,

Willing should be normal or add a comma before Willing?

Its a nice story... Might go some in depth in Fred and his GF.



UrufuHiken -> RE: Mortuus surrectum *title pending* (Comments and Criticism) (8/14/2009 14:59:44)

Right, thanks man! And I might not go into detail about his GF, because she is not important, and I will be focusing more on Fred's "past family." I won't go any further then to say that.

PS. readers. I will be back in a couple of days to do some real updating on the story, along with an inclusion of the prologue and another chapter or two.



Gianna Glow -> RE: Mortuus surrectum *title pending* (Comments and Criticism) (8/18/2009 12:32:14)

Hey Hiken! New story! I've read it and its awesome... but i'll be back later for a more indepth look. I've got some chores to do. :(



Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Mortuus surrectum *title pending* (Comments and Criticism) (8/26/2009 22:55:15)

A zombie story huh? *readies Avenger Sword, Turn Undead, Smite Evil and Whirwind Attack* Let's see what we've got here.

Now there, one noticeable flaw with your technique is that four times out of five you would start a paragraph with either (i) an adverb or (ii) a gerund. In moderation these work well. If used all the time, they won't. The same with most other sentence component, punctuation, or even words. For example, through her overuse of the word "chagrin" a particular author had practically turned half the internet from using that word. Ever. Again.

And another important thing - you kept your protagonist too well-supplied with everything going mostly his way. Well, even more so than in zombie-hunting games like Resident Evil. Waking up within a short walk of an intact arms store isn't going to be much of a justification for how Fred's beginning of his survival run. It sounds too constrived, like a scenario picked right from an OOC Room discussion about "what would you do in a zombie outbreak" where everyone goes "OMG LOLOL i'l go to teh naerest gun store and pick a shotgun and go blast evry thing in teh way". The fact that there was only one zombie to block his path does NOT help. With that in mind, most people wouldn't hesitate to question you "then what's the point of survival, hide, run and horrow any more when he has got two-three guns with ample ammunition to unload?"

Your description is mostly good, apart from the flaws I've pointed above. And overall, if not for the fundamental shotcoming of keeping your character too well-stocked to make for horror, you've done a good job of setting up the atmosphere.

Good luck with the rest of it!



UrufuHiken -> RE: Mortuus surrectum *title pending* (Comments and Criticism) (9/8/2009 0:17:08)

Yeah, I thought so too myself, and have really been intending to update, change, and edit... a lot... for a long time now.... and have never gotten around to it...

But I intend to change that (especially how now Wal-mart no longer stocks firearms) I intend to take that little nicety completely away, and have for a long time now. Again... still haven't gotten around to it. But I will, and I can promise to this week since I've finally gotten into the flow of writing again.

This thought also brings up another important subject. PROLOGUE!!! Yes, I have finally gotten around to doing a prologue, and though it needs some editing and extra work, that is what I have you guys to help me for!

So, sorry for the delay, but I really will be updating more often now.

Thanks Argeus! hope you and everyone else enjoys!



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Mortuus surrectum *title pending* (Comments and Criticism) (9/11/2009 16:52:31)

"You are all going to die down here."

So, 28 Days Later meets Fifth Element meets Resident Evil? =P

I thought of all those movies when I was reading through your story. Fifth Element for the girl in the cage, 28 days later for the 'infected' and the scene in the Walmart, and Resident Evil for the lab and the room with the observation monitors and the female "computer".

Reading the story, I was amazed how different it was compared to the Crescent war. I think your writing has indeed improved. In general, I liked the pacing of the prologue, it started off maybe a bit technical but sped up quickly with good thrills and tension.

There were some points that caught my eye. Maybe you want to check these?
1)
The opening paragraph felt a little odd for me, though, because there was so many separate event put into one sentence. Sometimes this can make the timeline of consequtive actions seem a little cramped, imho.
Also, you seem to often combine different thing into one sentence by using comma + and. Like here:
quote:

The door slid shut again as John stepped through the portal, and sterilizing chemicals began spraying him down for any outside infections.

Couldn't this sentence also be streamlined to a shorter and simpler version? Since you already established that we are now stepping through a door with John, I think you could leave that out and concentrate to the chemicals pouring over him right after the doors closed. For example:
'Immediately after the doors had closed, sterilizing chemicals began spraying John down for any outside infections.'
Your call, of course.

2)
About the gory part where John returns to defend Marie. It's pretty gory, but I like how you haven't gone overboard with the detail. Yet the one detail you have included is a little off, imo. If Sanders's spinal cord would really be showing, I don't think his head would be attached to his body anymore. Or the connection would be very...thin. Anyways, that part of human central nervous system that is called the spinal cord is pretty securely protected between the vertebral bodies, arches, and ligaments. So, maybe instead of spinal cord you were thinking of his vertebral column, his spine, in other words?

3)
There are quite a few typos in the Prologue. I think you can find most of these by light proofreading. However, it seems like you have a habit of mixing 'then' with 'than', so I'd suggest doing a find with 'then' and then checking if it should the 'than' rather than 'then'.

4) The layout of the testing institution was left a little unclear for me.We get to see the entrance and the testing room, but how wide an area does the web of hallways and staircases cover? O course, adding detailed descriptions of the layout to the point where he is fleeing would probably disturb the fast pace. Maybe you could give some coordinates and idea when John is looking at the monitors? Just an idea.

That's all comments I had on my mind now. Anyways, it's a thrilling start. I hope you'll post more!



qbsuperstar03 -> RE: Mortuus surrectum *title pending* (Comments and Criticism) (9/11/2009 21:19:35)

I do believe you're going for a Latin title that translates to "The Risen Dead?" I still remember enough that if the title was supposed to be "The Dead Have Risen" it would be surrexit--note the singular as it's referring to a group instead of separate individuals--instead of surrectum.

I see what you did by translating an otherwise cliche title into another tongue, but I can also sympathize with how you're not sure if that's the best one. Try naming it after a main event in the storyline, or perhaps a plot twist, instead of just summing up the story in a few words.

For some reason, I'm thinking "Necromancers In New York."



UrufuHiken -> RE: Mortuus surrectum *title pending* (Comments and Criticism) (9/16/2009 18:09:56)

I see what you mean qbsuperstar, and I thank for the lesson in translation. I was hoping to come up with a better title as the story progresses, but I am still straightening out some of the edges in the outlines.


Hi, fabula. Good to here from ya! You are always a great help and I thank you for it! (I'll be sure to remember that important piece of anatomy when I go into gory parts later on in the story!) ; )

I didn't notice it much until now, but I guess you would be right about a few of the inspirations, XP. Later on I intend to derive a little more inspiration from Resident Evil, but also a creature something similar to a creature I created in Crescent War. However, that is for later. I will finally be coming back later tonight to start editing and cleaning, so thanks for all the advice!



UrufuHiken -> RE: Mortuus surrectum *title pending* (Comments and Criticism) (4/4/2010 15:34:04)

And like the dead, I have risen once again!... etc etc...



deathwalker05 -> RE: Mortuus surrectum *title pending* (Comments and Criticism) (4/4/2010 18:23:46)

Good story. Look forward to more



UrufuHiken -> RE: Mortuus surrectum *title pending* (Comments and Criticism) (4/6/2010 19:22:49)

My thanks. And I hope I can adhere to your wishes.

Update: (4/6/10)


  • I fixed a few problems I found with Chapter 1 and extended it, giving more information on Maxwell Johnson and the organization he works for. Hope you enjoy it!



UrufuHiken -> RE: Mortuus surrectum *title pending* (Comments and Criticism) (4/14/2010 13:17:02)

Update: (4/14/10)

  • I have finally added chapter 3, though I do not in anyway consider it to be done. Expect more updates on it later.



Crimzon5 -> RE: Mortuus surrectum *title pending* (Comments and Criticism) (4/22/2010 6:15:17)

quote:

The corridor lights lining the floors and ceilings flickered lazily as John continued to wonder through his haze and down the hallway to the “observatory,” the over-glorified torture chamber that served as Aegis project’s main test subject’s observatory.

It makes it look like that the test subjects are the ones using the observatory for the beneficial purpose. It's like saying "the security guard's prison" while the security guard just works in the prison and is not "using" the prison for what a prison is used for (AKA: locking you in). I think it sounds confusing, so tell me if you dont get it.

Anyways, just finished the prologue. When I first read that "Eve" was still called by her real name by at least one person (who appears to be the main character.... who knows?*), I kinda found it a bit comforting on her part. But then you just had to make what happened next the way it is xD


*Just read chapter one. So many guys with their own scene! So who is it supposed to be? Heh, just to make sure: his wife and children = his gun right? Lol, just a few days ago, someone told me that soldiers refer to their guns as their wives.





UrufuHiken -> RE: Mortuus surrectum *title pending* (Comments and Criticism) (4/22/2010 17:08:42)

Oh yeah, I see what you mean. Didn't notice that. *facepalm*

And yeah, I by no means intend to make this story all love and happiness. I won't say who, but prepare to see characters die at a consistent and alarming rate; both filler and main. Of course, I don't intend to kill them all, and for the most part I'm going to have about 4-5 central characters. John will not be showing up again for quite some time though, and though a part of the story revolves around him, he is not one of the (main central main character...) Man I'm confusing myself with this one. O.o

*fixed that one little problem and a typo.*



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