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Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Musings of a Cat: A Short Story Collection - Comments and Criticism (8/25/2009 4:34:38)
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Ultra-short stories... sounds like fun, doesn't it? Let's see what I can do. So then, as these are rather short themselves, I'll revert to my usual style for now - nitpicky galore! Let's go for "Promises and passions" first.
quote:
his arms pumping at his side in some vain attempt to go faster.
First of all, the word "pump" gives a rather unfitting imagery. I suppose something along the lines of "flailing" or clutching" could work better. Second, "some" could be replaced with "a" - maybe it's just me, but "some vain" doesn't sound right somehow.
quote:
He lungs burned with each breath as his chest heaved to keep the oxygen in his blood flowing.
It's his lungs.
quote:
his legs already numb with both the pain and the adrenaline laced endorphins that flooded his muscles.
This sentence sounds troublesome, as if you are trying to say a compound sentence in a single breath. You could use some commas and change some words to help the flow, can you?
quote:
Steeling his resolve over his body's exhaustion, he continued to run pushing body to its absolute max
"run pushing" makes little sense. You might want a comma between them.
quote:
Coming across a large wall, far to high to just jump normal, a slightly crazy and insane idea popped into his head.
Too high. And "normal" should be an adverb - normally.
quote:
his chuckle came out tentatively before becoming and uproarious laughter as he continued his drop
It should be an uproarious shouldn't it?
quote:
with no less speed that before he leaped over the wall.
No less speed than.
quote:
Seeing the house in the distance, his heart leapt up into his throat. Seemingly causing all his exhaustion and weariness to fade away, leaving only a giddy anticipation of what's to come.
Those should be one sentence. You can just change the full stop into the comma and voila.
quote:
With a near unnatural gracefulness, he quickly found himself by the last obstacle in the way-the window.
"Unnatural" isn't exactly synonymous to "extraordinary" if that is what you wanted to use.
Right. That's about most of the primary errors I can spot.
Overall comments: It is a good read - you used a vibrant and dynamic vocabulary to portray a fair action scene. As much as I am learning from this piece, there are qute a few issues I'd like to address here:
- First, your punctuations. Sometimes you miss out on comma, and you do know these things. A misplaced comma can alter the meaning of an entire sentence. I can tell you a good old folk tale of my people on how devastating misplaced comma can be, but let's leave it till later. Some other times, two sentences could, or should have been joined as one. Remember that the vast majorities of sentences, even acceptable "fragment error" sentences should at least have a subject. Or a verb. But even these cannot be overused.
- Second, I don't really know whether this is good, bad, awesome or horrible - it is a subjective opinion - but you tend to... well, use a little more purple prose than you may need.
quote:
The latch was just unlocked...and slowly and agonizingly the window plane slid upwards. His eyes trailed the ascent of the window with a non-blinking gaze, which seemed to take up the majority of his thinking capabilities. Through the first crack, he saw part of a simple navy blue cotton nightie. As the window continued to slid upward, so did his eyes, seeing the beginning of those black wavy long tress he loved to run his hands through. Entranced by this hidden figure that was slowly being revealed, now seeing the swell of her bosom, he stopped breathing.
His gaze had yet to stop its trail, from her bosom his line of sight swept over her pale slender neck that he had kissed and caressed many times over. Her pink lips and her rosy tinted cheeks were now exposed to his sight. Finally her full figure was unveiled, her dark brown eyes twinkling with both passion and merriment. Combined with the pale lunar moonlight that lit up her features, she seemed as some divine goddess sent from the heavens. A picture perfect scene that the scribes of old would describe as when the Heavens touched the Earth. Because in this one moment, this one still frame in time, everything seemed...perfect...
Reacting before he could even thing coherently, before he could even process the beautiful scene before him, he darted forward and captured her lips in a kiss. Mustering every ounce of passion and love, he pulled at the very depths of his soul for this kiss. Hear her gasp slightly only made him kiss her harder, soon giving way she allowed herself to be swept along on this riptide of passion. Wrapping her arms around his neck, securing him close as to never let him go. The action was mimic by him as well, as he stepped into her room.
Maybe it isn't my genre, but you used a very colorful prose in those three paragraphs... a little too colorful. Just a little.
This isn't necessary bad per se - even master writers like Tolkien and Stephen King use them from time to time. But since this is a very short story, you can't allow yourself the luxury to use purple prose as much as in a long story. YOu see where I am coming from?
Overall, I can say that you've caught me off guard. perhaps that is because I didn't read the title before I read the story, giving me the impression that the man in the opening was being chased by someone dangerous, was injured and bleeding near to death, and that his "promise" was to live. I've literally braced myself for a "And there was a gunshot in the background, ending the escapee's existence, before fading into oblivion the way its victim slipped into the merciless fabrics of the forgotten time" ending.
Maybe I've read too much of Kimiko Nasu's work for my own good. Sigh.
All in all, nice work! If I have time, I'll check out the other piece some time!
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