A collection of poems :) (Full Version)

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Angel of Grief -> A collection of poems :) (9/10/2009 18:17:32)

Angel's poetry thread.

i'm new...i could use some pointers on formatting my thread.
kthxbai.



Helixi -> RE: Angel's Poems. Name pending... (9/11/2009 2:02:15)

:D!



Angel of Grief -> RE: Angel's Poems. Name pending... (9/12/2009 1:52:19)

:D! but no comments other than ":D!"?


D:



Angel of Grief -> RE: Angel's Poems. Name pending... (9/26/2009 1:27:43)

wow my little thread is.....dead. D:
attempting to write a poem out of thin air. hold on. D:

E: I like shattered. i was playing in my head with that one for months...and just wrote it down.

Seasons and Shattered



Helixi -> RE: Angel's Poems. Name pending... (9/26/2009 2:25:33)

Both are really good, but I'm not CCing either. its too early in the morning. D:



Ilø€IMPERIAL€ølI -> RE: Angel's Poems. Name pending... (9/26/2009 5:37:51)

Poems are fascinating, don't you think? You're poems are well-written, but you could use more 'impact '.
What I mean is, when you write your poems don't give out the parts that are significant. How can I say this...

Ex. I want to let you know, 'I Love You.'

Ex. 2 I want to tell you, tell you the three simple words.

Notice that Ex. 2 symbolized the three words, 'I Love You'. That's what you need to improve on.
Don't just give out what you want to say, re-word it into deep meaning where readers can know what
you're referring to.

That being said, let's look at one of your poems:

quote:

Shattered

Everything,
Shattered.
In one moment...
Everything,
Shattered.
My love for you,
Shattered.
My faith in you,
Shattered.
My trust in you,
Shattered.
My heart.....

Shattered.


Repetition is good in poetry, but it's just too plain. Here's where I want you to think of something.
Instead of 'shattered' being said every time, use similes or metaphors to describe the emotion and image.

quote:

Shattered

Everything,
Shattered.
In one moment...
Everything,
Shattered.
My love for you,
Shattered.
My faith in you,
Shattered.
My trust in you,
Shattered.
My heart.....

Shattered.

Here's the 'impacted' version. ;)

Shattered

Everything,
Shattered.
In one moment...
Everything,
A vase shattered.
Pieces, broken:
My love for you,
Shattered.
My faith in you,
Shattered.
My trust in you,
Shattered.
My heart.....

Shattered


As you can see this is just an example, but it's very important that you see this.
From my 'impacted' version, you can see that Your love, faith, trust, and heart
was described as being a vase, broken--shatter piece by piece. Where, the pieces of the vase
are your love, heart, trust, and faith. It symbolized, 'Everything'.
You can say that this was used as an example of using metaphor in poems.

Well, that's all for me. Continue to do what I said and your poems will get a lot better, by far the best. ;)
By the way, you should write longer poems, 4-7 stanzas. Later.



Anon Y. Mous -> RE: Angel's Poems. Name pending... (9/28/2009 17:50:25)

Just about the stanza thing: I wouldn't worry about it. Poetry is not a science.



Angel of Grief -> RE: Angel's Poems. Name pending... (9/28/2009 22:47:23)

Thanks for the comments guys (and helix. :o). And yeah. my writing style is short and to the point. i don't think i could really drag a poem out for four to seven stanzas. :o



Crimzon5 -> RE: Angel's Poems. Name pending... (9/29/2009 0:59:25)

Your poems aren't bad, but I would be lying if any lines struck me abnormally (and I like that feelings), with the first poem as an exception (applauds to it!). But please do not take this as anything against you. Sometimes a good product doesn't appeal to all customers, and only hits a percent of the target market. I recognize your talent, but the way the words flow is too choppy. Aside from stating what the persona feels or does, dig deeper. There's always something behind something, and usually what's buried deep under is a treasure (that... or some old fossils >,> ... which are... uhh, good to look at, right?)

Well, this post might look I'm telling you what I want, but the purpose was to encourage you to try something different. Experiment with new styles, techniques. I know you'll make a beautiful combination of words.



Angel of Grief -> RE: Angel's Poems. Name pending... (10/4/2009 13:43:14)

Thanks for the CnC (mostly the last C >_>) Crimzon. :3

anyway. new ...er...poem.
Untitled Song
My first attempt at a rhyming scheme. the simple ABAB version, the chorus is ABCB, but whatever. :3

note: its unfinished.



Ilø€IMPERIAL€ølI -> RE: Angel's Poems. Name pending... (10/4/2009 14:12:21)

quote:

These words on my walls,
come alive as i sleep.
Slips and stumbles, trips and falls,
All point out your single flaw.

Its been too long,
And you're too late.
Too bad,
All you did was hesitate.

Through blinded eyes,
You come to me.
Trying to see through your lies,
Your dreams of us are fleeting memories.

Its been too long,
And you're too late.
Too bad,
All you did was hesitate.

Through the sealed forest,
You cry in dismay.
You have not gone too far to rest,
Lay down and sleep the night away.



The i needs to be capitalized. And its should be it's, contraction for it has.
Don't get me wrong, but I can't seem to get this into a song. Haha, it may just be me. ^_^ Get it done.



Angel of Grief -> RE: Angel's Poems. Name pending... (11/7/2009 23:08:36)

Updated. :D



Helixi -> RE: Angel's Poems. Name pending... (11/8/2009 3:45:02)

I like.



Angel of Grief -> RE: Angel's Poems. Name pending... (11/18/2009 20:39:00)

Oops!
I forgot to post that i had updated.
D:



BrantePyrus -> RE: Angel's Poems. Name pending... (12/6/2009 20:15:33)

Hey, Helixi found her way here too.
Angel, I am amazed. I actually feel inspired, as opposed to my usual bursts of angstyness that lead to writing(and those don't come often enough).
I have really enjoyed your thread so far. If I don't take another massive leave of absense from L&L, I plan to leave my comments. Feel free to PM me to remind me next time you write something.
I really don't have time for poem-by-poem reviews ATM, but remind me, and I'll be back. You've got talent. Looking forward to more posts.

PS- I suggest you name the thread after one of your poems. Can I suggest "Bright Side of the Mirror?"Fine if you no like.
-Herr Brante



Angel of Grief -> RE: A collection of poems :) (12/26/2009 10:52:08)

Updated? :o



Helixi -> RE: A collection of poems :) (12/26/2009 11:07:50)

Untitled: Very nice! I wish I'd had this idea!

Acronyms
quote:

Ready to accept you back.

"Ready to take you back" would flow better.
What is the point/message/idea of this poem? It seems a bit rambling and abstract, though I am equally guilty of rambling poems.
Also: Remove key=? from the address at the top.



Angel of Grief -> RE: A collection of poems :) (1/12/2010 21:08:36)

Helix: its an acronym. :) (read the first letter of each line. :P)



Angel of Grief -> RE: A collection of poems :) (1/31/2010 21:36:05)

Updated...
:D



princessmilamimi14 -> RE: A collection of poems :) (6/28/2010 20:42:14)

LUV DA POEMZ!!!



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