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Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Manipulation- Comments (10/30/2009 7:11:18)
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This is the last part of my response to your request in the Workshop thread.
Part 3/3 - Manipulation - chapters 0-3.
This story is taking form very interestingly, by little pieces with seemingly lots of space between them. Since all explanations are currently hidden, I want to read on as fast as possible. So it's working. Do remember in the midst of all my yapping about details that follows this, that I enjoy the way you write by letting the story move forward without standstills.
You have quite a few sentences following one another, each starting with the subject also in this story. One of my general suggestions is that you could try and play with the sentence structure once in a while. I don't mean that you should go on some rampage against all subjective-starting sentences, oh no. But, imo, you could try out switching sides of the sentences on each side of a comma, for example. These are usually the easiest ones as you don't have to do massive rewordings. Of course, not even near all these type of sentences make sense after the switching, but with those that /do/ feel natural, you could try this out. For example:
'The boy collapsed to the floor, letting the silencer fall onto the dead grass.' ->
'Letting the silencer fall onto the dead grass, the boy collapsed to the floor.'
My other general suggestion would, yet again =P, be for you to add description, especially around and in of dialogues. There's no need to infiltrate everything with it, but you are keeping description, especially in the first chapter on so minimal a level, that it makes pretty hard to picture the scene when actions commence and James hits the other boy down.
There are no doubt several ways to sneak in the description. Since the dialogue you have written is pretty fast-paced and feels quite natural as such, I'd recommend elaborating a little on those spots where you already have inserted something, like a notion of James snickering. Just a sentence or two added to a number of these spots could do wonders in helping describing the boys, their clothes, mannerisms, their surroundings, etc.
Another option would be to describe the boys after a few lines, then continue the dialogue as it now is until they start walking, add a paragraph there and the rest in the very end of the dialogue. This can work as a neat way to pace out the conversation, but can easily turn very info-dumpish if the description-paragraphs manage to halt the flow of the conversation.
Comments on specific details:
1) quote:
A dark skinned woman stands near a school
This is a so-called compound modifier, so it should have a hyphen between the two words describing the noun: 'dark-skinned'.
2)quote:
A dark skinned woman stands near a school. Rain drops slide down her umbrella, which she holds high above herself, and fall onto the ground. A tear streams down her cheek; she quickly wipes it away. The reporter strokes her short black hair with her right hand. She clears her throat and begins. <-
“Here in Holmberg Elementary, a tragic occurrence happened today. Four children were found dead in the school’s playground area…"
<- I think you are missing one extra line break there.
Chapter 1
I found it interesting that the name of the hispanic boy is never mentioned. If it would have, you'd have one more option when referring to him. How far back do the two boys go in terms of knowing each other? Just met?
If you left the name out to further underline that the two are, in practise, total strangers, then you could also sneak in a comment about that somewhere in the text. For example,
'”Yea, sure,” James smirked at this new acquaintance of his.'
If you left it out because James doesn't really care for the other even though they would have known each other for quite some while now, some notion about that would also lighten this issue.
3)quote:
“Yeah James, I can make anyone I want to stop talking.”
Quite honestly, I'm not the best person to give advise when it comes to punctuation in English. However, I did occasionally start doubting whether there was something odd in the usage of commas. This would be one of those spots where I'd add a comma between 'yeah' and 'James.'
A sort of similar case as a child addressing his mother, “Yes, mother, I will take the garbage out.'
4)quote:
“What did you do: Find it?"
Mesuspects this should be written with comma and without capitalization.
'What did you do, find it?'
5)quote:
“Well, I've seen these types of things before on T.V.”
I think the correct disambiguation would be TV.
6)quote:
“Well does it make a loud noise or something?”
As in the previous quote, I think you need a comma after well.
7)quote:
“I mean it, STOP!”
This is a matter of preference, but I actually believe in presenting all shouting with the exclamation mark and in the accompanying parts of the quote instead of capitalizing the whole word. A suggestion;
'”I mean it, stop!” the boy shrieked at him.”
8)quote:
James’ eyes expanded with anger.
“Seriously, back off!”
James grinned.
Imo, the anger doesn't fit to the other behaviour James is showing here. If his anger is so violent, how come he manages to grin? And why did he become so angry? To me he seemed rather determined to get that toy with all costs than consumed by wrath.
9) quote:
James’ fist met the other boy’s face. The boy collapsed to the floor, letting the silencer fall onto the dead grass.
This is the spot which I already mentioned in the general comments as an example how to painlessly (=P) play with word-order.
10)quote:
A quick pull of the trigger resulted in another human silenced.
How would James know the other boy was 'silenced'? What outer cue would led him think so? The other boy was already lying on the floor, knocked-out, so he wasn't moving nor talking. I'd suggest giving us readers more clues on this. What happens when someone is silenced?
11)quote:
He cradled the weapon in his abdomen.
I think that preposition should be 'against'.
12)quote:
He glanced toward all directions, to make sure nobody was watching, and stuffed his new friend into his black baggy pants.
You might want to check this, but I don't think that comma is needed. Similarly, there is no comma in, 'I went to the store to buy some bread.'
Chapter 2
13)quote:
Big adjusted his oversized leather coat, which reeked as a result of countless wearing through the entire year, and continued to stomp further toward the boy.
I think the noun following this word should be in plural. And as 'wearings' would sound terrribly odd, I'd suggest a little rewording: 'as a result of continuous wear'
14)quote:
As far as Big could remember, there has not been a single other person other than his master and himself that occupied this place.
'had'
15)quote:
The boy began to rotate around on a suspended tire. An old tire that was held by a sturdy rope connected to a giant oak tree. The boy felt glee as he accelerated around in circles. The boy continued to spin faster and faster. The boy laughed cynically.
Imho, too many repetitions of 'the boy' here. Suggestions on rewording ->
'The boy began to rotate around on a suspended tire. A sturdy rope connected the old tire to a giant oak tree. The boy felt glee as he accelerated around in circles. He continued to spin faster and faster until bursts of cynical laughter cut the air.'
16)quote:
Please stop me Big,” the boy commanded.
A comma missing between these two words, I believe.
17)quote:
Once completed, the three by three puzzle would resemble a three dimensional lizard.
Since the number of dimensions were mentioned just before in a sentence of their own, I think stating that here as well is too much of repetition. I'd just cut out those two words.
18)quote:
The pieces consisted nine body parts all together.
A preposition missing? 'consisted of'
19)The word 'puzzle' gets repeated awfully lot in here. I'd suggest changing these:
quote:
“Therefore, I am not able to complete the puzzle even though I contain the mental capacity to solve this puzzle easily.
->
'the mental capacity to solve it'
quote:
Big quickly agreed as he stared dumbfounded at the puzzle, moving the pieces back and forth.
->
'at the lizard pieces'
quote:
”Although together, we are able complete the puzzle.”
->
'Although together, we are able to complete it.'
quote:
The small boy commanded Big to rearrange the pieces in a specific manner, before no time, the puzzle was complete
->
'The small boy commanded Big to rearrange the pieces in a specific manner, and before no time, he held the completed lizard in his hands. '
Chapter 3
20)quote:
“Stupid T.V…,” he muttered.
->
'”Stupid TV...” he muttered.'
21)quote:
James whipped the side of the television in an attempt for better reception.
Since you just used 'whipped' to describe James' movement off the sofa, I'd recommend using another word here. Maybe 'kicked', 'hit', or 'smacked'.
22)quote:
The static continued on the screen; James tugged the power cord out its socket and left it on the carpet floor. <-
A shrill voice pierced his eardrums.
<- I think there's an additional line break missing.
Also, you repeat the word 'voice' in each three sentences after the quote, so I'd suggest some rewording there.
23)quote:
On his journey, James noticed his home.
Well, since you have started this chapter by describing how he “cleans” the sour milk and curses his TV, I really think that 'noticed' sounds off. How about something way more elaborate that would describe what he looks at in general:
'On his journey, his eyes swept along the surfaces of his home.'
or
'On his journey, the dismal state of his home tugged down whatever was left of his previously good mood.'
(Although I don't know if his cackling just before can be called 'good mood' =P.
24)quote:
At last, James had followed the voice to its master. James stared at his mother.
I'd replace that second instance of James with the pronoun he just to avoid repeating his name so often.
25)quote:
She stank of cheap perfume. She wore excessive make up covering her facial features. She wore clothing that would be the size of the girls in James’ class, although not appropriate. His mother’s attire was quite revealing.
A bunch of sentences beginning with 'She' here. Here's one example how this could be reworded:
'She stank of cheap perfume. Excessive make up covered her facial features, but the same could not be said about her attire. Her clothing were the size of the girls' in James’ class, although nowhere near appropriate. '
26)quote:
It consisted of a white short skirt substantially above mid thigh, high black boots, a blue shirt covering only her breast,
Mid- is a prefix that needs a hyphen after it. Also, I'd put 'breast' in plural or change it to 'chest'.
27)quote:
“Aww how sweet! Way to go Jacob,” she sarcastically remarked.
Mesuspects the punctuation might be a little off here...maybe, '”Aww, how sweet. Way to go, Jacob,” she sarcastically remarked.'
28)quote:
“My name isn’t Jacob, its James…,” he muttered.
Another one of those unneeded commas after an ellipsis.
29)quote:
He quickly brushed it aside and he turned around.
Imo, 'he' is not needed there and the sentences are quite short and it's pretty clear who is turning around.
30)quote:
“But ma…I could support us…,” he cried.
Unneeded comma, as in point 28)
31)Quoteless note. I started wondering why James' mother held such ruckus to get to talk with him when she really didn't have that much to say. If this was typical show of her manners and temperament, maybe James could lighten that up to us readers via some thoughts? Or the narrator?
I'll leave the chapter no 4 out of this response as you added that after I took on the request, and I actually read all of the material the first time before you posted it. (Yes I read the stuff at least two times when critiqueing - one fast, straight read, and other, slower read for typing the comments)
I hope at least some of this is helpful to you. Happy editing! And writing! =)
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