|
Cow Face -> RE: Compressed Meaning/Translations C&C (6/7/2010 10:08:17)
|
Hi there! Been meaning to read your poetry for a long time now, and drat me, I keep forgetting. So, I saved this to my flash drive on Friday, and I'm reading it at home. Now, this means that some of your poems might have changed by now; while this shouldn't affect much, some of the proof-reading bits may be outdated. Anyhow. On to the critique!
You have enough poetry that I can't really come up with something interesting- or even intelligent- to say about all of them, even some of those which I quite liked. Here are a few highlights I noticed; this doesn't mean in any way that I liked the others less.
Time - Gorgeous piece describing just how fleeting life is. However, your other point, that death need not be feared, is a nice addition. I like how you combine the two: first describing how short our lives are, and then that that's not necessarily a bad thing. The phrase carpe diem comes to mind when reading this.
A Tree Falls - Not much to say here, but this made me smile; it's a clever question to ask. I'd not really considered that before- if the tree falls and no-one hears it, why does it matter?
Seasons of Life - Another very pretty piece. It is in some ways reminiscent of Shakespeare's The Seven Ages of Man; I love both poems. An interesting point is brought up: will the Earth cease before humanity does? My first instinct is no, but with the advances in science... Very thought-provoking.
Tears - Quite moving; the ending is, to me, a rather haunting line.
Nightly Walk - I found this to be a rather touching poem. His(?) devotion to his lover is a pretty concept.
Sad Reality - Love this poem. The message is one that too many people need to have crammed into their head; I used to be one of those, heheh. The imagery is effective, and lends a good deal to the poem.
Math - My reaction to this can perhaps best be summed up, "Troo dat." But probably not. This made me giggle. ^_^
L&L AKs/Mods - Possibly my favorite of any of your poems; then again, I might be a little bit biased.
Proof-reading
The main point here is probably a stylistic matter; if so, then keep it as-is. I've noticed that often, you have sentence fragments, such as in Time:quote:
Can we truly realize?
That we are fortune favored.
And miracles, our lives.
Here, the second and third lines are sentence fragments. However, there are many lines like this in your poetry, and I'm assuming it's just your style- which is perfectly fine.
The Face of an Angel - First verse, twelfth line: "“Tell us a story Grandpa”"
There should be a comma before "Grandpa," as the mention of his name indicates him as the subject of the request. And I probably worded that really poorly, but I don't have my Bedford with me for a better explanation. XD
Second verse, twenty-third line:
“I’m…I’m ok.” I manage to mumble
The period should be a comma, as it's the end of a quotation, but not a sentence.
Twenty-seventh line: “Who?” He demands
"He" should not be capitalized.
Twenty-eighth line: “That beautiful girl” I reply, “with blond hair and blue eyes.”
There should be a comma after "girl." Also, for consistency's sake, you might want to leave out the period at the end of the sentence.
Twenty-ninth and thirtieth lines: “You must have been dreaming” he says,
“I’m just glad you’re ok son.”
A comma belongs after "dreaming," and before "son."
Thirty-third line: “Was she real Grandpa?” they ask
A comma belongs before "Grandpa."
Flight at Dawn - A rising draft of warm uplifting air--
A comma belongs after "warm," to separate the two adjectives.
Nightly Walk - My dear where’re you now may be,
Not quite sure what you're saying here. What I see is, "My dear where are you now may be." Did you perhaps mean "where e'er?"
Nightly Respite - First line: A comma belongs after "Oh." Last line: Did you mean to have a space before the final period?
Again I'll See - Last line: In tangled, confused swirl
This might be more correct as "In a tangled," or "confused swirls."
|
|
|
|
