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Eukara Vox -> Issue 50 - Conspiracy Corner: SnuggleFest (Cow Face) (2/1/2010 15:09:51)
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Conspiracy Corner: SnuggleFest
By Cow Face, at the Zardian e-Zine
Prior to now, I have expounded upon the nefarious MOGLNs, as well as the ways in which love can destroy you. It is these concepts which prepare you, O Reader, for the shocking expose which is here detailed.
SnuggleFest... The name itself has a certain innocence to it. It would seem that such a holiday should hold appeal for me, the huggable, snuggable Cow Face. After all, it combines snuggling with celebration, and even incorporates corporations into the mix.* What could possibly go wrong with this? The entire operation is another in a long, twining series of Moglin conspiracies. Its constant reminder that my dinner date is a stick figure for which I have written speech bubbles has little to do with my antipathy toward the holiday, I assure you. Journalistic integrity and all that.
The first clue which leads me to this conclusion is the mass Moglin involvement in all holidays. Frostval, as previously shown, is a Moglin plot to conquer our minds with presents, and conquer our stomachs with fruitcake. And Mogloween- well, it's even in the name. During that holiday, these vicious, cute creatures show their dark inner workings and hatred for all things humanoid. Therefore, why should SnuggleFest, another holiday with Moglins at the center, be any different?
Another hint which points toward a more heinous plot behind SnuggleFest is that one of the driving forces behind it is that of the travesty we call "love." It is this emotion which drives innocents to the point of inarticulacy and confusion. Numerous studies have proven that when infatuation strikes, the tongue swells, reducing the ability to speak and cutting off air to the brain. Heat therefore amasses within the cranial space, causing your mind to ignite. Confused and hurt by this sudden fire, your mind will begin attempting to discard the parts which are too warm; namely, all brain cells. These will slither down the medulla oblongata, and sneak out around your tongue, where they shall escape in short trails of sound, creating the effect of "graablraglew." Seriously concerned by your affliction, the object of your desires will attempt to leave your presence; you will be left not only brainless, but also lonely.**
Finally, recent discoveries by esteemed researcher Zapp suggest that hugs involving Moglins are a very powerful resource. They can be used for any number of projects, and can easily be harvested, via Gorillaphants, huge juicers,*** or even ordinary embraces. It is this last which most easily- and least painfully- could be utilized during SnuggleFest. The setup is simple: all they needed was a reason to celebrate, a celebratory way in which to encourage hugs, and a cover-up story. Following is a dramatization of a conversation which might have taken place in MOGLN Headquarters before the first SnuggleFest celebration.
"No, 'swordfish' was last week's password. Aw, come on in anyway. Have you got the plans?"
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