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Eukara Vox -> Issue 50 - The Zardian Investigates: Deadly Snuggles (Tolan) (2/1/2010 15:12:00)
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The Zardian Investigates: Deadly Snuggles
By J. M. Tolan
Here at the Zardian, we believe strongly that we have an obligation to you, our readership, to keep you informed of the great dangers around you that The Man doesn’t want you to know.* We work tirelessly** to find the real story, to keep you informed, so you can keep yourself safe.
This time of year, every year, the holiday of SnuggleFest is celebrated by thousands of heroes across Lore. It's a quaint, happy holiday, loved by all. The Lore Safety Committee rates it as one of the safest holidays of the year, citing the preponderance of hugging and snuggling as the cause, along with a "general and inexplicable rise in the feelings of kindness, compassion, and cuddliness." It is, quite literally, all hugs and snuggles.
Or is it?
A source recently revealed to the Zardian that there are vital stories and statistics that have been hidden from the public. Numerous incidents covered up, and even more left unsolved, hidden, buried away in bottom drawers of filing cabinets in the back of rooms in discarded buildings scheduled for demolition.
Here's what we found, revealed to you, the public, after years of conspiratorial secrecy.
Every year, 1 in every 100 adventurers is killed by hugs. That may not seem like many, but multiplied over thousands of heroes, it quickly adds up. How, you ask? The Zardian dug through the files, and found that the single leading cause of death by hugs is a phenomenon known as "bear hugs." Though the source did not go into detail, the Zardian is confident that this phenomenon is indeed exactly what it sounds like; the vicious, vice-like hug of a bear used, not on its own robust kin, but on poor, unsuspecting heroes traipsing carelessly through the woods. Indeed, the Zardian has evidence*** that even bear cubs exhibit lethal potential; though too small to crush a rib cage, we feel confident in saying that they have been known to cut off the circulation in limbs, even to the point of their falling off.
But death is a favorable alternative to the next hidden SnuggleFest horror we found; the cuddle trap. For most heroes, though cuddling is an enjoyable pastime, it, like all things, is done in moderation. But for a few unlucky souls, even the end of SnuggleFest fails to bring an end to their cuddling; they may spend hours, even days cuddling, breaking only for food and gastro-intestinal relief! Yes, though the source once again failed to detail, it does indeed seem to be the work of some sort of malevolent cuddle-spirit that derives power from energy radiated by cuddling. Those who cuddle too much, or for too long, soon find themselves under its spell, and once it gains control, they become trapped forever in a cuddling state, spending eternity empowering a malevolent spirit.****
But even this was not the worst hidden SnuggleFest horror we found! Yes, after fully reviewing the source, is ready to reveal one last danger kept hidden from you, the public! For we all know the hugs are the most powerful source of magic, yes. But what, we asked, made this such common knowledge? How was this source of magic discovered?
Snuggle magic explosions.
We all know the effects of a high Ambient Snuggle Condution Factor (See Where Not To Take Your Date for explanation); feelings of warmth, safety, and cuddliness. And the effects of a high Specific Snuggle Condution Factor (or how conducive a specific object is to snuggling) are quite similar. But beware! For when these two factors are combined with both in high quantities, the results can be no less than lethal. For, as the factors compound each other, strange things begin to happen to the body; excess levels of hug magic build up, causing giddiness, break downs in speech patterns, and the release of what are commonly referred to as "squees" in an instinctive attempt to release this build up. And though these are effective up to a point, if enough hug magic builds up in one body, the body undergoes catastrophic failure, releasing the built up magic explosively, and leaving behind an incoherent, babbling mind and a limp body.
These are the untold dangers of SnuggleFest, reader! Be ever-vigilant in your quests, and watch out for these secretive causes of death, revealed to you for the first time ever on The Zardian Investigates!
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* No actual "The Man"s were consulted in the writing of this article.
** Between frequent naps.
*** By which we mean, wild, baseless speculation.
**** Tomix declined comment on the existence of a cuddle spirit. The Zardian was unable to confirm if this was due to unwillingness to comment, or the fact that he was consulted while battling Chaos Weavers and appeared to not even hear the questions we asked him.
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