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Eukara Vox -> Issue 50 - Happily Ever After (and After) (Rimblade) (2/1/2010 15:30:47)
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Happily Ever After (and After)
by Rimblade
Once upon a time, there was a magical kingdom where men and women lived in harmony with the world. In this kingdom, all the girls were lovely, and all the men were dashing, and the king ruled with justice, and wisdom, and everyone was just so happy that it was hard to believe.
Everyone, that is, save the Grand Vizier. It is the nature of Grand Viziers to be evil, and this one was no exception, having a fine goatee and a magical golden staff in the shape of a cobra. Now, this vizier was also an evil wizard*, and had certain designs upon the kingdom, and also the princess who was stunningly beautiful in the fashion of all such royalty (and those who have great deals of money for jewels, fine clothes and plastic surgery).
So, in the course of time, the Grand Vizier tries to force the princess to marry him, but then some noble prince or courageous urchin from the street, what-have-you, shows up and defeats the Grand Vizier, and the princess falls in love with him immediately.
And so they get married, and live Happily Ever After, which is where our story begins...
In the Magical Kingdom of Fairyland, the castles are magnificent, the forests are lush and green, the skies are a deep, perfect blue, and the receptionists are unfailingly polite. All of them, that is, except Prince Charming the XI's, who did not even bother to look at our interview team.
"The royal family of Fairyland will see you soon," she drawled, buffing her nails. "Feel free to sit in the waiting room."
When pressed for details about Prince Charming and his wife (who will be celebrating their first honeymoon this week), the receptionist had this to say; "Well, they're really in love, and stuff. You can tell because of all the shouting."
Before long, our team of investigative journalists, demolitions experts and archmagi had finished all of the Twilly Today! magazines in the reception area. Somewhat after long, they were growing antsy. Nearly two hours later, the door finally opened and the prince emerged. Before The Zardian could greet him, he shouted to someone behind him, 'AND I'LL BURN THE NEXT PAIR OF RUDDY CURTAINS IF YOU'VE GOT THE BLURDY(sic) GALL TO MAKE THEM PINK AGAIN!' and left.
Later, we found The Princess, who was busily salvaging the remains of a bust depicting Prince Charming with a hammer. She was, however, all too happy to consent to a short interview.
"Of course we're perfectly happy," said the Princess, smiling brightly. "That's what 'Happily Ever After' means, you know? It means being perfectly contrite, not minding when your husband goes off on week-long hunting trips twice a month, and not minding when the hordes of happy forest creatures who come to help you with the dishes leave droppings all over the floor and never have hands anyway. It means blushing every time the stupid magic mirror in the hallway whistles at you and says 'Now that's the kind of Fairest I'm talking about!', and it means keeping mice around, don't ask me why, and you find their hairs in the pantry and y-"
"Please excuse me, your highness," said our gallant reporter, "but could you just break those into sentences, please, for the ease of our readers?"
For a moment, the princess turned a bright purple color, eyes bulging,** but she acquiesced moments later, with a smile. Before long, she offered us the grand tour of the palace, including certain interesting locations.
Bedroom - The bed chamber is a lovely space, though unfortunately in the midst of, what seemed to be, renovations. There are torn pink curtains across the windows, and a pile of bottles upon the floor. The bottles, according to the Princess, are the remnants of an earlier augments between her husband and 'Mr. Sobriety'. His Highness and he have numerous debates nightly, often ending the man's banishment from the castle.
Dining Hall - A large hall filled with humorous singing utensils and flatware which, the Princess assured us, were never used for actual eating. In Her Highness' own words:
'Goodness, no. When we eat, we have to snack in the kitchen itself. It's very bad form to eat while someone is dancing, and it's a bad idea to insult people who are made of metal
and blades. But it's a lovely song, and we can hear it all the way from the bedroom at night. Every night. Forever.'
Guest Room - A stately suite furnished with seven separate beds, this is where the dwarves who control the kingdom's vital supply of gemstones sleep while at the castle. The Princess, as a good hostess, apparently makes their beds and cleans this room herself daily, while the dwarves reminisce about how she was totally penniless and worthless when they found her in the forest and first made her work as a housekeeper for her keep.
Grand Ballroom - Sadly, this magnificent room was rather full of dust. It would appear that, with matters of late, there simply hasn't been any time for silly frivolities such as dancing.
Dungeons - The Princess assures us that the dungeons are currently undergoing renovation, and there is simply nothing of interest there. The echoing screams coming forth from those rooms, it appears, are a humorous effect of the wind as it whistles through the windows.
Gardens - The gardens beyond the castle are cratered, scarred land with torn-up plants and bits of loam. 'Nightly', the Princess says, 'All the pumpkins in this garden are magically transmuted into amazing silver carriages, and the rats into fine horses! Of course, the carriages pretty much tear up all the other plants, and the first thing the horses do is charge the castle and try to break into the pantry, but it's still terribly magical and amazing.'
Wishing Fountain - Sadly, the magical Wishing Fountain of wonder here has been entirely buried beneath twelve feet of cement and steel plate. Asked about this, the princess explained that it's all well and good for maidens to wish for their heart's desire to love them, but the number of criminals attempting to sneak in and wish themselves kings or use its powers for assassination forced them to forever seal it away.
His Highness was not available for comment, except to note that if our fine journalism team didn't leave at once, we would all be beheaded.
That's all there is from the land of love and the world of whimsy! Back to the news.
~~~
*Note that, for some reason, evil viziers and bad men have ready access to powerful magic, against which the kingdom always proves defenseless. Nobody knows why this should be so.
**Later, we called a wizard to have her examined for demonic possession
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