MQ Mystery: Chief Duncan (Full Version)

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Postmaster General -> MQ Mystery: Chief Duncan (3/21/2010 11:46:14)

I would like to know how you all feel about my MechQuest storyline-based novel, MQ Mystery. It is a mystery/action narrative following the early times of the Police Chief Duncan. The setting is modern Soluna, just a few years before the current year in Mechquest.

I would also like to know if you feel that this story would have any contradictions with the actual MQ Storyline. I want to make this novel as authentic as possible.

Here is the link: MQ Mystery

Thanks in advance!



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: MQ Mystery: Chief Duncan (3/22/2010 17:25:31)

Hiya!

I read the story and so far I'm liking it, especially the humorous side of it works very well. Unfortunately, I play very little MQ/it's been some time since I last played it, so I can't really help with the authencity thingy.

What I noted is that eventhough the relatively short-sentenced style of writing fits the Sheriff Duncan's characterization pretty well, it did get a little choppy for me at some spots. I'm not sure if varying the sentence-structure would mess up with the characterization? Duncan spewing long, decorative (as in overtly-descriptive) sentences might feel rather odd, but maybe you could try switching the word order a bit more often so that less sentences would start with the subject? This is not a big issue so that it would be a real problem or anything, I'm merely just pointing this out so that you can recheck it and see what you think. Imo, it might be something worth to experiment with at least, even if it wouldn't lead to edits.

Grammar-wise, there are some punctuations in relation to quotes that I think are odd. For example in these sentences:
quote:

“You still don’t get it do you?” Anna smiled. “Okay, I’m going to spell a few things out for you.” She said, as she drew her blade and clutched the hilt.

quote:

“Ok? Miss, I understand but I don’t know what to call you.” I pressed even though the situation had become slightly awkward.

the latter part of the sentence is tied to the quote by replacing the period at the end of the quote with a comma and by not capitalizing the explaning part of the sentence after the quote ->
quote:

“You still don’t get it do you?” Anna smiled. “Okay, I’m going to spell a few things out for you,” she said as she drew her blade and clutched the hilt.

quote:

“Ok? Miss, I understand but I don’t know what to call you,” I pressed even though the situation had become slightly awkward.

(Also, I don't think the first sentence needs a comma between 'said' and 'as.'

Basically, if you have a quote and an explanation who said it following it, the explaining part is left uncapitalized and in case the quote ended with a period, the period is replaced with a comma. Exclamation and question marks are used as such but the following part is still uncapitalized:
"The sun is shining," he said.
"I don't believe you!" he shouted.


Also, a stray typo I happened to notice:
quote:

This must have been the queue for the assassins,

'cue' is the word to be used in this context, I believe.
A queue means the same as a line.


Anyways, this was a nice piece to read. And I had fun. =) Definately a plus.



Postmaster General -> RE: MQ Mystery: Chief Duncan (3/22/2010 21:00:25)

Edits made and Fleur Du Mal added to the list of editors.

Thank you very much, Miss Du Mal.

I will work on the choppiness of sentances a little later on. And will keep it in mind while continuing writing.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

You may, in fact, expect to see as many as 20 chapters before this "novel" is completed.

Also, I have a sequel planned out. Be looking for it once MQ Mystery has been finished!

P.S. Chapter 9 has also been added.



Postmaster General -> RE: MQ Mystery: Chief Duncan (5/23/2010 21:34:16)

With the addition of Chapter 12, there will now be a 'choose-your-adventure' in which readers may take control of Chief Duncan and decide where to search for the burglar.

I'd also like to describe the future plans I have for MQ Mystery:

After further adventures with Chief Duncan, MQ Mystery will see Duncan through to his promotion to Police Chief, at which point the timeline will have caught up to the beginning of MechQuest. Any events following this will take place in the now-playable universe of MQ.

MQ Mystery will discontinue its focus on Duncan and move to a new narrator. Someone who can further break down the many mysteries in the MQ universe. Stay tuned!



Crimzon5 -> RE: MQ Mystery: Chief Duncan (5/25/2010 21:05:23)

Heya Duncan! I used the play MQ (not anymore because the story's just too hard to follow now after all that I've missed. That... and my character's weak xD)

Chapter one:

quote:

recounting.“Well, all I can

Lack of space after the period

quote:

“Well, all I can say is that I saw a shadowy figure in the alleyway behind Tek’s Mechs today. I couldn’t really see what they were doing but I would just hate to see anyone get hurt! Especially with the uprising of those nasty groups, the Shadowscythe and the Canine-like biker group!”

It contradicts whether there's one or many persons.

Also. If I were in Duncan's shoes (the character... not you xD), I'd see a contradiction in the woman's behavior. First she runs to him like there's something urgent going on and that she needs help ASAP, then all she wanted was to make Duncan investigate some shady figure in the alley. Since this is a first person story, I do suggest letting Duncan narrate his reaction. But of course, your call.

quote:

When I arrived at the alleyway behind Tek’s Mechs. It was cold; I crossed my arms to bulwark the elements.

It isn't a complete sentence. You could either add more or connect it to the following sentence

Chapter 2:
Crimz learned a new word today! Edifice. Sounds better to hear than the word building, I say
quote:



Chapter 3:
I was gonna ask in chapter 3 if there were in Ninjas in MQ, but then I remembered that there were pirates.

Chapter 6:
Eenie, Meenie, Minie, Mo!

I used to do that often. But then I realized that if there are only two choices, the Mo will land on the second one.

Chapter 8:
quote:

As Maria 3 continued, I readied myself for her assault, which I was sure would follow soon after this rant of hers.

Why is there a 3?

Chapter 10:
So Maria was programmed to respond in a certain way, no matter what the person would say? Hehe, they sure did predict Duncan so easily. But... were they really brilliant enough to program her to say this:

“I’m sorry; I do not believe we have met before. I was built with advanced facial recognition features, so it is impossible for us to have met previously.” She replied monotonously, as if the response had been programmed into her android circuit board.

This is getting exciting!

Chapter 12 and so on
I hope I won't get confused if you suddenly decide to make a web of "Go to Post X." :D

Anyways, I'll be sure to read some more in the next installments. Kinda sad though that the first case was left unfinished



Postmaster General -> RE: MQ Mystery: Chief Duncan (5/27/2010 14:24:33)

Thanks Crimzon! Glad to see I have a fan!

quote:

Chapter 3:
I was gonna ask in chapter 3 if there were in Ninjas in MQ, but then I remembered that there were pirates.


As a matter of fact, there are! Especially now with the addition of the planet Yokai, there are ninjas in MQ.

quote:

Chapter 6:
Eenie, Meenie, Minie, Mo!

I used to do that often. But then I realized that if there are only two choices, the Mo will land on the second one.


Too true. But it adds for a comical element into the story.

quote:

Chapter 8:

As Maria 3 continued, I readied myself for her assault, which I was sure would follow soon after this rant of hers.
Why is there a 3?


Maria is an android in game. Each version of her is numbered according to which model it is.

quote:

Chapter 10:
So Maria was programmed to respond in a certain way, no matter what the person would say? Hehe, they sure did predict Duncan so easily. But... were they really brilliant enough to program her to say this:

“I’m sorry; I do not believe we have met before. I was built with advanced facial recognition features, so it is impossible for us to have met previously.” She replied monotonously, as if the response had been programmed into her android circuit board.


That dialogue is actually quoted from in game. Your character will say something like 'Hey, haven't I seen you before?', so I thought I could add it in. Although you are right, it does kind of bring up some questions. I'll leave that up to plot holes and suspended disbelief.

quote:

This is getting exciting!


Thanks! I think so too!

quote:

Chapter 12 and so on
I hope I won't get confused if you suddenly decide to make a web of "Go to Post X." :D


No worries, for now, this is the only choice that can be made, and the posts will not get too out of hand. I plan on all choices to be somewhat parallel, allowing each choice to reach the same ending.

quote:

Anyways, I'll be sure to read some more in the next installments. Kinda sad though that the first case was left unfinished


Unfinished, but only for now. I plan on it becoming a reoccurring theme.



Crimzon5 -> RE: MQ Mystery: Chief Duncan (5/28/2010 6:15:39)

quote:

Maria is an android in game. Each version of her is numbered according to which model it is.

But how did Duncan know that there was a 3?

quote:

Unfinished, but only for now. I plan on it becoming a reoccurring theme.

I see a lot of potential here :D



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