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Relentless -> Watched - Comments (4/10/2010 14:01:49)

Watched

My first story going in the creative writing! C&C please. :D



Jadugarr -> RE: Watched - Comments (4/10/2010 14:47:18)

quote:

A harmonic wind soaked the ancient trees, voiding the twigs onto the ground, as well as the golden-brown leaves which soon followed it. Above was the serene light-blue sky full with a blanket of white fluffy clouds washed over the horizon which was peeking in between the trees.


quote:

It was in the middle of autumn, I was in the park, because I couldn't stand my cousins from Miami bragging about their stupid rich lives. My cousin brothers were two years younger than me, and I didn't have the slightest clue what they were saying, because of their accents. I bet they're talking to my sister now, bragging about their rotten self-fish lives.


I read through what you have of your story so far, and I enjoy your ability to clearly describe what is happening in the scenes. You mention all the important details that capture the narrator's current emotion, and because of this, your character makes sense. That's not something many people can do, and definitely becomes a greater challenge as your story carries on.

However, one slight problem that I have is that I feel there is a bit of a disconnect between your character's voice and your desire as an author to add description to your narrative. You start off your story and I wasn't sure from what perspective you were going to be telling it from because your first paragraph (Quoted above) really holds no voice. Later on, your character goes on to sound more like a kid (Quoted respectively) who is looking desperately to escape. He doesn’t sound like an author attempting to set the scene.

Basically, my suggestion is to try adding voice to those flat descriptive run-ons that desensitize your story and break the immersion.
:D



Relentless -> RE: Watched - Comments (4/10/2010 17:04:57)

Hey, thanks for critisizing.

I'll see what I can do. :D



Relentless -> RE: Watched - Comments (4/19/2010 14:54:49)

chapter 2 is up



Postmaster General -> RE: Watched - Comments (4/19/2010 16:35:31)

quote:

"Wh-- Who's there?"


Usually, when illustrating a stutter, you would either use one hyphen (Wh-who's there?) or you use ellipses (Wh...who's there?)

quote:

a accurate strike with.


'Accurate' starts with an 'a', so it should be 'an accurate strike'

quote:

I walked back slowly; figuring out it was the only wise thing to do.


The semicolon should be a comma.

quote:

Just thinking of walking towards those trees made my mind wonder everything bad that could happen.


There is either a typo or a grammatical error here. I think that the easiest fix to this would be adding an 'about' after 'wonder'.

quote:

I could feel my heart sinking;


Go ahead and just make this a period and capitalize the start of the next sentence.

quote:

I dare look back


I think you are meaning to say that you 'Didn't dare look back' meaning that you left out the negative element here, and make sure to keep the verb tense in the past because that is how it's been going all story long.

quote:

I kept my eyes forwards to the exit of the park; I didn't want to get lead astray.


Instead of the semicolon, just make it a comma here.

quote:

"oh, sorry!"


The 'o' should be capitalized because it is the beginning of the sentence.

quote:

the last thing I wanted is to have trouble


This should be in quotations and considered a continuation of the previous dialogue.

quote:

It looked familiar, it was like I have seen it before.


This is not its own sentence because the punctuation before it is a comma, so the 'It' should not be capitalized.

quote:

"I better be off now."


Another grammatical error, I believe you meant 'I'll be better off now.'

quote:

I didn't even wanted to think of my cousins.


The two past-tense verbs create some problems. I'd keep it 'I didn't even wat to think of my cousins.'

There are two main points I'd like to point out about Chapter 2:

First off, there are some noticeable errors in grammar that I think may have happened when you went back to make changes. By reading your story to yourself outloud, it could help you see the problems. Another solution is having a peer read your piece, you might be surprised at how much this can help.

Also, I noticed a lot of semicolons in your work, and they were mostly inappropriate.

According to the Purdue OWL,

quote:

Use a semicolon when you link two independent clauses with no connecting words. For example:

I am going home; I intend to stay there.
It rained heavily during the afternoon; we managed to have our picnic anyway.
They couldn't make it to the summit and back before dark; they decided to camp for the night.

You can also use a semicolon when you join two independent clauses together with one of the following conjunctive adverbs (adverbs that join independent clauses): however, moreover, therefore, consequently, otherwise, nevertheless, thus, etc. For example:

I am going home; moreover, I intend to stay there.
It rained heavily during the afternoon; however, we managed to have our picnic anyway.
They couldn't make it to the summit and back before dark; therefore, they decided to camp for the night.

For more information about compound sentence patterns, see the Purdue OWL handout on Sentence Punctuation Patterns.



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