|
Postmaster General -> RE: C n C for 'The year is 2012' (4/18/2010 20:32:25)
|
First of all, I would suggest some format changes: breaking up your story into multiple posts within your thread.
The first one could consist of a link here to the CnC, links to the other posts in this thread consisting of 'The year is 2012' pieces, as well as moving the first paragraph down into the prelude. The prelude could be the second post. And 'Day 1' could be the third post and would be acting as the first chapter in your story.
So the finished product, as far as posts, would look like this:
As for in story CnC:
My comment about adding the first paragraph into the prelude, could be done by making slight changes which I will do here for sake of an example:
quote:
The year is 2012. I am Nicholas Blood. This is my Journal. The past events have submerged me into a new kind of place, a land that I have never felt, but have always known. I stand as a man, above all other men. As I hold this position, I feel it necessary that I tell others. Therefore, the purpose of my Journal is to inform, to show the rest of the world of my findings. And this is why I tell my story, to hope for a new beginning, to destroy the suffering, the hate, and the sorrow. I will tell each event that has passed in my Journal as how I encountered it, starting from my most recent memory of relevance. However, before I start, there is valuable information in the the time preceeding these events:
The elders of my town tell us, as they tell all other children, tall tales. I remember each small story in my head vividly, trying not to forget. The old men spoke of buildings that reached the heavens, which were collectively known as skyscrapers. But they did not just speak of these odd monstrosities to be rare and sparsely spread out, but they told of while cities filled with them. Each building was said to have hundreds of floors, each having an individual working unit. Some elders even spoke of ridiculous things such as large pyramids made as tomb stones, parks filled with water as fun, and other tales. However, despite the elders’ teachings, no one believed a single word of them, not even I. The only story that is truly accepted is that of the Big Bang. The tale says that we, humans, had once lived on the surface. We were sent down here by our own safety, to protect ourselves from the nuclear war. Now we live in the darkness of the Earth itself, underground. Each small town is interconnected with other such towns, through man made tunnels. The only connection to the outside world is the vault, which is found a hundred miles away. I live in a shack, well, a shack among shacks to be precise. Our town is divided among three sectors: the working sector, the political sector, and the warrior sector. Men of the working sector are never allowed in any of the other sectors, unless invited. Men of the political sector may go to any sector, and men of the warrior sector can go to the working sector however, they are not allowed to go to the political sector, unless invited. Therefore the ranks would be, from strongest to weakest, political, warrior, working. As well, each sector has its own set of defined rules, them being harsher for lower ranks. The police, enforcers of the rules, are called the Kievs. This is as much as I know; I hope that this will be a substantial foundation. Thank you.
By excluding the 'Prelude' title and creating a better transition, you can combine these two create a much stronger prologue.
Also, I noticed some small things to think about when editting this story:
quote:
I remember each small story in my head vividly, trying not to forget.
This sentence seems to contradict itself. If you remember something, you aren't forgetting it. Also, it is a given that you remember something in your head. I think it will help the mood of the story to restructure this sentence. Here is my example: You can simplify it like so, 'I remember each story vividly.' or go into detail like this, 'I struggle to remember the stories; stories that made up my greatest dreams and worst nightmares.'
quote:
The old men spoke of buildings that reached the heavens, which were collectively known as skyscrapers.
You can omit 'which were' because you can make your point just as easily without the unnecessary diction.
quote:
But they did not just speak of these odd monstrosities to be rare and sparsely spread out, but they told of while cities filled with them.
I believe the 'while' may have been a mistake here. It could either be taken out, or built on, your choice.
quote:
Each building was said to have hundreds of floors, each having an individual working unit.
You begin both parts of this sentence with 'each', leaving the reader slightly confused on the subject of each description. Clarification like this could help: 'Each building was said to have hundreds of floors, with each floor having an individual working unit.'
quote:
parks filled with water as fun
The 'as' here doesn't make sense. Replacing it with 'for' would be an acceptable substitute.
quote:
The tale says that we, humans, had once lived on the surface.
These commas can be deleted and the sentence works fine, or better even.
quote:
We were sent down here by our own safety
'Safety' is not some being that sent the humans to their current position. The humans fled 'for' their own safety, meaning it was in the best interest of the humans in regards to safety.
quote:
Thank you.
This should be taken out or at least be stalled until the complete end to your story. It punctuates the story much like saying 'The End' and should therefore be sent the end of the story.
quote:
It told me to remain where I was, to keep staring into he unknown.
Typo. Should be 'the'
quote:
I had always a feeling of incompleteness.
The order here is a little mixed up, either that or you forgot to add a word. I prefer to add in another 'had' but you may choose how to fix it, of course.. 'I had always had a feeling of incompleteness.'
quote:
“you feel this incompleteness, because your family is. It is because you have neither a father nor mother.”
First of all, the 'you' should be capitalized, it is the beginning of the sentence. Second, 'your family is...'? What is his family, dead? Nonexistant? Missing?
quote:
As I thought about this more and more, the more I disagree with it.
There is a verb tense disagreement here. 'thought' is in past, while 'disagree' is in the present. Make sure to keep tense consistent in your writing, excluding flashbacks, future-telling, and things of that nature.
quote:
The end justifies the mean
The phrase is 'the end justifies the means'.
quote:
you can stay over here for a lil while
In literature, make sure that when you are writing an accent or dialogue, you add in accent symbols for the letters that aren't pronounced. For example, little = li'l, although I would just spell out little. and for 'bro', make sure to add an accent (') after the 'o'.
This is a good story. I'd like to read more, but I fear you may need to begin differently, or at least make a drastic addition next.
Readers normally decide if they like a story in the first sentence, paragraph, or page (depending on the size of the reading). As is, your story starts out with a bleak, every-day life of a peasant. This can be a dry and bland beginning. I would consider adding in some battle scenes, a female character, or some sort of excitement next to make sure that the reader stays interested.
A very good start though, good luck!
|
|
|
|
