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superjars -> RE: Ramblings of the Demented- Comment upon the Insanity (5/2/2010 2:53:01)
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Hey Lugolsi, saw you had just started some poems, so I thought I'd jump in here and see what you had.
So far, I've only read Rekindled and it was pretty good. It's an interesting subject, and bears some deep thought, this thing we call love.
The poem has kind of a weird flow and rhythm to it, and I wasn't sure if you were trying to rhyme things or not as sometimes it was obvious you were rhyming and other times it was obvious that you were not. Here's some suggestions I had:
quote:
Rekindled
You say to end it here, but I don't.
You've hurt me enough already now <-- This 'now' here hurts your flow and sounds strange. It will break your rhyme though...
No one else ever will care, no they won't. <-- 'will ever care' flows a lot better than 'ever will care'
The spark is gone, I miss that small wow.
You tell me this as you leave:
"We just aren't right for eachother" <-- 'each other'
But you're the first one I've liked in a while;
I think that you could maybe be the one now. <-- This 'now' also sounds awkward. No rhyme to destroy here though...
"Give me a chance, just one more go;
I'll manage to impress you, <-- Maybe 'find some way' instead of 'manage'?
Rekindle those long-lost flames,"
I tell you from the heart
You say to end it now.
I am left standing there, wondering how
In this great world, as blessed you are, <-- Consider adding an 'as' after 'blessed'
Bad luck still comes in to mar
That which you have in love
Must someday fall.
What was that, another chance
I knew you hadn't left me
I still live, and I can win
Don't give up, and you'll succeed
They'll realize in the end
We are meant to be
A pair of two, you see. <-- 'A pair of two' is redundant, perhaps 'The pair of us?'
Nothing can stop us now
To think I wondered how
The world still kept spinning <-- I'm not sure how this fits with your ending phrase. Perhaps ending with something like 'My life would keep going on' in place of this line? Just a suggestion
Each day
'"""'
Overall, I think you've got some interesting things to say here. I started adding in some punctuation in the beginning, so you could see how it would look with it in there. You may want to either get rid of it or add the rest in. I'll take a look at your other stuff at a later time, and I look forward to seeing some more of your poetry! :D
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