Total War *Comments & Criticism* (Full Version)

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Postmaster General -> Total War *Comments & Criticism* (5/2/2010 21:20:59)

Here is my entry for the Book of War.

Total War takes place during the American Civil War. This piece follows Jeremiah Roberts, a white abolitionist writer, from the viewpoint of a fugitive slave named Ruth. Ruth was following the Underground Railroad when she came across Roberts' safehouse. She found the master suffering, as you will see, and decided to stay to take care of him. You will begin to notice a lack of quality to his periodic poetry throughout the story which signifies his descent into insanity.

A disclaimer: This story is not about war, but rather the effects war has on everyone.



superjars -> RE: Total War *Comments & Criticism* (5/3/2010 11:13:13)

I really like what you have so far here, Sheriff D.

Some comments:
quote:

Explosions blow, my Wall will not last.
Strangers here, occupying my home
Unwelcomed visitors,
they took everything from me.
This stanza sounds strange. It seems a bit disjointed and disorganized for so early in the piece...
Perhaps:
quote:

The sounds of explosions beat at my walls.
The strangers are here; they try to get in.
I will not let them;
They took everything from me.
Simply a suggestion. Take or leave or modify as you will.

quote:

As the Higher fought the Lower
We spectators began to cower
Lower and cower do not actually rhyme. Perhaps changing the first line to 'The Weak position fought the Power' or 'Those Below fought against the Tower' If you're fine with a near rhyme, keep as is.

quote:

likely to take him before a peace was made.
Again, personal preference, but it may be argued that taking him might actually be a blessing at this point. Perhaps using the phrase 'more from him' or 'all from him' instead of 'him' might help to express the utter futility of his situation.

You've got a great start here, Sheriff D, and I'm interested to see the devices you use to express his growing insanity and Ruth's caring nature. One thing I'd also like to point out is that it seems so far that you are taking a narrator type voice at the moment, rather than speaking as if you were Ruth talking about Jeremiah. If this is intended, that's fine, but you noted that you were going to use Ruth's viewpoint in the narrative. I'm curious how you'll make that transition.



Postmaster General -> RE: Total War *Comments & Criticism* (5/3/2010 13:04:10)

@Superjars: It is meant to be narrative style, although it will be third person omniscient in regards to Ruth, but not any other characters. In this way, it is still from the viewpoint of Ruth, but still written as a regular narrative.

I'll take your recommendations into considerations when I come back with my edits.



superjars -> RE: Total War *Comments & Criticism* (5/3/2010 13:12:17)

@Sheriff D, ah, I see. From your description in the opening post, I was imagining it being written in first person perspective from Ruth's viewpoint. I'm guessing the idea behind it is this is something written posthumously as Ruth tells the story to someone else, and provides some of this man's writings to the author? Or something like that.



Postmaster General -> RE: Total War *Comments & Criticism* (5/11/2010 20:17:13)

Updated.

I am nearing the end. This is not meant to be more than a short story, meant to incorporate poetry and prose while still accurately conveying my meaning through writing itself and certain tools, such as this slow decay in Mr. Roberts' writing ability.



Remington -> RE: Total War *Comments & Criticism* (5/27/2010 23:18:14)

i liked this, but i can't give much feedback since it's not my area. i can say this first poem is a little off to me. i think you might want to put something such as 'they take as death in winter'. the last part of that poem was blunt and unpoetic(wordcheck). i did like this though.



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