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Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Man's ineptitude and ignorance.. Commentary Thread (6/28/2010 16:30:38)
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OK, hunting some typos by the above request... =)
First entry.
1)quote:
Here in lies the fallacy of man, one chooses to slave for the betterment of his character and to contribute to the diminishing economy of this world.
Herein is written without the space.
2)quote:
Yet his claims are belittled by the state that wishes he contribute more,
This I'm not totally sure of but you might want to check... should it rather be
'that wishes he'd contribute more'
'that wishes he contributed more'
'that wishes him to contribute more'
?
The grammar of the current version feels a bit awkward to me.
3)quote:
Where we believe nothing to be, something exists, such is the truth that exists also within the world of man, the unexplained is explainable maybe not yet but shall become.
This sentence seems to have a tad odd punctuation to me. I'm not certain if something is missing in the end as well. Purrhaps:
'Where we believe nothing to be, something exists, such is the truth that exists also within the world of man: the unexplained is explainable, maybe not yet, but it shall become that.'
For clarity, it might be better to cut the sentence in two parts as I feel it's currently losing some of its weight. You first declare that there is something existing and that the unexplainable is explainable, but immediately go on and mitigate it by adding the current end to the same sentence. It is like giving a speech of this nature:
'There is an answer to the question you think has none! (Well, honestly, maybe not now, but there will be...)'
For me, the conviction is completely washed away there.
Here's one suggestion for an edit, it's totally your call, of course:
'Where we believe nothing to be, something exists, such is the truth that exists also within the world of man: the unexplained is explainable. This may be not evident yet, but it shall become that.'
Heh, I don't know if I made any sense with that. =P
4)quote:
That which we find easy to explain is not as we perceive but in truth is far more complex than we would like to believe.
Is there the word 'easy' missing?
'is not as easy as we perceive'
Second entry
1)
quote:
I drum up my expectations of my return and fantasize about enjoying a cup of warm, delicious, marshmellowy, cup of hot chocolate.
Repeating 'cup of' seems rather odd to me. Purrhaps:
'a cup of warm, delicious, and marshmellowy hot chocolate'
2)
quote:
the cold is about to become exchanged with the blessing warmth of a woolen blanket.
Another spot I'm not 100% sure of. Instinctively, I'd use 'blessed' instead of 'blessing' here as the latter gives the impression that the blanket would be actively blessing something.
Third Entry
1)quote:
Though I live in this life, I feel no vibe, no feel of connectivity.
Since you already used the word 'feel' I don't think you need to add it again. Wouldn't
"Though I live in this life, I feel no vibe, no connectivity"
flow better?
To live in this life seems a rather peculiar expression as well. Did you put in the preposition there on purpose? Usually one lives a life or lives in a lie, but living in a life sounds truly odd.
I'd suggest the following edit. If it's too far from your personal style, I do understand if you reject it, of course:
'Though I live this life, I feel no vibe, no connectivity to it.'
2)
quote:
What I feel is my divine right, my promise to myself?
I suspect the word order here actually makes this not a question. So, I guess either the questionmark should be a period or the word order a tad different:
'Is what I feel my divine right, my promise to myself?'
3)quote:
I cannot know, I can only hope but will it then be a waste of the time that life is so short of or will I understand of the concepts that I within myself develop?
I think this sentence is a bit awkwardly worded as well... I'm not 100% sure how to eidt it, but would this make any sense to you:
'I cannot know, I can only hope, but will it still turn to be a waste of the time that life is so short of, or will I understand the concepts that I develop within myself?'
Fourth Entry
1)quote:
When I arrived I was stunned by the empty feeling of being early, I had not been early in weeks, nonetheless my non-essential day began of course not working but being really, extremely lazy.
The punctuation feels a bit odd to me here. Purrhaps the sentence is a bit run-on-wy as well, imo at least. Could I suggest splitting it into two?
'When I arrived, I was stunned by the empty feeling of being early; I had not been early in weeks. Nonetheless, my non-essential day began of course not by working, but being really, extremely lazy.'
2)quote:
I started by logging on to an online RPG called Battleon.com a habit that is formed when near an internet connection, the second window I opened led me to Hi5.
Same thing as above, I think the punctuation is awry. If I may give you a little advice? Most of your sentences are fluid even when they are long, but sometimes you might be putting too much stuff in them. Adding that to less than 100% clear punctuation can make the sentences somewhat hard to follow. Try to double-check your longer sentences and cut them shorter if you feel they start to pounce from one topic to another. Purrhaps an edit here, a new sentence started between the opening of windows?
'I started by logging on to an online RPG called Battleon.com − a habit that is formed when near an internet connection. The second window I opened led me to Hi5. '
Another point would be about the bolded words. It seems the habit already is there, so it's not anymore forming near an internet connection, but materializing there. So, instead of 'is formed' I'd suggest using something like
'a habit that kicks in when near an internet connection'
Lastly, and now I'm nitpicking, but I think RPG is missing 'site' there as .com is a site and not the actual game --->
'I started by logging on to an online RPG site called Battleon.com − a habit that kicks in when near an internet connection. The second window I opened led me to Hi5.'
3)quote:
Now I have been living in Sri Lanka for the last 4 years previous to that I was in a boarding school called Kodaikanal Internation School in Tamil Nadu, India.
I supect this sentence would need some punctuation as well and maybe also some clarification of the timeline. I'm not sure 'Now' is needed at the start as the timeline is given at the end of the sentence and with the tense, anyway.
'I have been living in Sri Lanka for the last four years. Previously, I was in a boarding school called Kodaikanal Internation School in Tamil Nadu, India.'
I'm in the habit of typing simple numbers with letters as the common grammar rules usually say, thus replacing '4' with 'four' in the above suggestion. If you think the informal diary-type of entries of numbers as such suit your style better, I have no claims against it. =)
4)quote:
I have always been quite emotional and so connected to many within the school, I could everyone's name in the school, that was 500 students of which I knew 250 of the students' last name's aswell.
Here's another sentence I'd recommend splitting into two. (I hope you haven't grown bored with that already. =P)
I also think there's a verb missing and a few typos at the end:
'I have always been quite emotional and so connected to many within the school. I could remember everyone's name in the school: that was 500 students of which I knew 250 of the students' last names as well.'
5)quote:
In the next 3 months after I had left the 9th grade of learning I felt angry, at myself, at the one who lead to my demise, and at every single piece of dirt that had ever existed.
The first comma here feels odd to me. The first item in a list is not usually separated with a comma.
6)quote:
This lessened considerably when I finally moved to Sri Lanka, the Maldives were too cramped and depressing, and I began feel left out and I started to deperately miss the institution
Here I'd again split this sentence into two, using the first part of it as a sort of introduction to the rest. Also, there seems to be the preposition 'to' missing in the bolded section.
7)quote:
The feeling is that of guilt mixed with the stomach flu and a couple of emotionally unstable moments all together in a streched out bang that can last weeks, also known to some as loss.
a)Why to use present tense here? Shouldn't this be in the past tense as the section before it?
b) To clarify the thought, I think you need a comma between 'moments' and 'all'
c) I suspect 'streched-out' works as a compound modifier here and needs the hyphen to connect the words.
Fifth entry
1)
quote:
The religion of the authors and artists of the Mohammed pictural article were of Christian religion therefore it is not against their religion to draw a picture or find and publish a picture of Mohammed.
Mesuspects there's a comma missing here.
2)
quote:
I am not for people drawing pictures of a prophet who should not be allowed to be drawn but I am a firm believer in peoples right to choose their own religion and following that.
I think a comma prior to 'but' would be good for clarity also in here. The other bolded word seems to have a typo -> people's
Sixth entry
quote:
I have asked this question to myself before
I don't think the preposition 'to' is needed with 'asking' --->
'I have asked myself this question before'
****
I have a few more points that caught my eye to write out for you to check them, but I think I'm taking a break now. I'll either edit the rest of those in here or put them in a new post if there's a reply to this thread before that.
Apart from the plain typos, the suggestions are just suggestions. You can use those if you want to as such, but the purrpose of many of them is just to point out sentences that in my opinion could do with some clarification or polishing. In case you agree with me that they need polishing, the actual method you want to do that with, is totally up to you. Of course. Goes without saying, right? But I just did. Oh well... someone really needs her break. =P
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