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superjars -> RE: Mr. Zimperdink's Mustache C&C (6/1/2010 10:14:47)
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A few corrections to the grammar (even though it's a children book, you still need to have good grammar :P)
quote:
All of the sudden Should be 'All of a sudden'
quote:
It would goes zipping 'goes' should be 'go'
As for the form and such, I would break some lines up even more than you have already, such as:
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Every morning, he walked to work in a very serious manner, dressed in a very serious black suit… I'd make this line about dressing in his very serious black suit, then move walking to work in a very serious manner either the next line, or after the very serious hat line.
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Each evening, when all his serious work was done, Mr. Zimperdink would walk home. The children would come running, because they knew what would happen next. I'd split this into two lines, especially since it is two different pictures.
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They would all run, laughing and shouting, trying to catch the flying mustache. And Mr. Zimperdink, in a very un-serious way, would begin to smile. Same as the above comment; these make more sense split up :D
quote:
When one of them had finally managed to catch it, and handed it politely back to Mr. Zimperdink, he would continue walking home, seeming just as serious as before. But as everyone who knew him said… I would suggest rewording the first part so it becomes a complete sentence and then start the next 'he would' as a new sentence/page
As to the comment that mistermafio made, I would use a group of people talking with Mr. Zimperdink in the background or foreground, either at his office or in his neighborhood for that line. I might even use the office for the first time you say it and the neighborhood for the second.
And finally, I'm not sure what to do with this line: quote:
As Mr. Zimperdink walked along home in his very serious suit, wearing his very serious hat, and with a very serious look on his face, something very silly would occur… but I feel it needs to be shortened somehow as it would be difficult to fit in a children's book, unless... you use this as a pivot point in the story and it's a page with no image. I guess that would work...
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