|
Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Hogar C&C (6/8/2010 18:01:48)
|
Hiya!
I liked this story very much. Even with all the packed emotion, it's very tranquil, an enjoyable read indeed.
There were two things that I thought I'd point out as possible editing spots. First one is the fluctuating tense. I assume you use the present tense on occasion to hint that Maria still lives where she did on that day, but a few times this turned out a bit confusing. Well, at least to my purrsonal liking. Eg here:
quote:
The park is really just a fenced in playground with a slide, swings, and a see-saw. Mulch covered the pavement underneath to cushion the falls of little children all over the neighborhood. The equipment was old and rusty, but no one was ever scared to use it. It had a rustic, yet reliable quality about the playground that kept it from being turned into another slum home by now.
I don't understand the point of the frist sentence being in the present tense. I got to thinking whether that meant that the park is still where it is but that the equipment is not rusty anymore, as that latter part was in the past tense. This type of futile pondering may be my own fault, but I got drawn away from the actual story a bit since I caught up trying to figure out the tenses. Which I don't think is beneficial to the story. Are you sure you need all the tense-shifts you have in the story now?
The other thing that I noticed was occasional repetition that I didn't think was there on purrpose to make an emphasis, etc. Eg here:
quote:
On the sidewalks outside of our row home, the snow was still neatly layered on the sidewalk, untouched by human boots and snow shovels.
Also, in the very beginning of the story:
quote:
As I gazed at the waves crashing upon the shore, I realized that I was alone, perhaps the last human being on Earth. Yet in this solitude, I felt the presence of another living being in the world. It wasn’t the feeling of someone watching over me, but rather that of a companion sitting next to me. In the silence, I could almost hear the presence’s thoughts and emotions relayed into my mind and heart. The presence was lonely and needed a friend to stay with it and comfort it forever.
In addition to the word 'presence' getting repeated a lot, I felt like the two bolded parts were unneccessarily repetitive as well, due to having the word 'being' in both and because I do not think substituting 'Earth' with 'the world' in the second sentence is actually bringing on any new info. I'd suggest removing the 'being' from the first sentence and 'in the world' from the second, as to me, they are just words for the sake of words and not to serve the story. Of course, this is very much only my opinion. =)
All in all, beautiful story and well written. =)
|
|
|
|
