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Mistermafio -> RE: The Prof Gets Poetic; A Commentary (6/9/2010 4:13:24)
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Hey there, I read your poetry. I liked it, but I noticed some things I think you could change:
First of all, get rid of the "&mpage=1&key=?" bit in your link. It causes every questionmark on the page to be marked yellow when you follow it. Which is not needed and quite annoying.
Next, experiment some more. You stick a little too closely to your rhymeschemes. Which isn't bad per se, but you often resort to bending lines just to make your rhymes come out. Which results in unnatural and hard to understand sentences. Those kind of sentencens are much more annoying and bad for your poem then a rhymescheme that's not adhered too.
quote:
I feel strong when you are near,
For you I am as swift as the wind.
With you I feel no sorrow, no fear,
Only true love, the eternal bind.
I'll give you a piece of advise I myself found very helpful when I got it. Words that look alike, don't always sound alike. In this case, the only way to make these two lines rhyme while reading them is by heavily mispronouncing either "wind" or "bind". Which, even if you are willing to do so, is not apperent while reading it the first time.
If you'd only work on those few things you could improve your poetry drastically. Though, that's just my two cents on the matter. Feel free to ignore most of what I said. :P
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