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Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Comments For :::Goldtoes::: Enter The Green Dragon (7/21/2010 14:27:22)
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Hiya!
Plot- and characterwise you have an intriguing start here, in my opinion. =) It's an interesting read so far with all the surroundings described as well. For now, I think the dwarf Zume stood apart as the one character with most personality.
Technique-wise, I think you might be running towards overtly complicated sentences here and there. This is, of course, a matter of opinion, but some of them could be split into shorter sentences (especially around descriptive parts), whereas others could be straightened out by cutting down repetition, and purrhaps, that would make the writing more flowing. In my opinion, especially repeating the names of the characters as often as you have, may make the writing a bit choppy and repetitive.
Another matter of personal taste would be, when portraying events, the choice between the characters actively doing something and an action done by them being observed. I think choosing the latter too often can result in wordiness and in losing some clarity under much wordiness. For example, in here:
quote:
The tall figure, Thomas, swung around and boxed Donuz in the ears, a sharp squeal of pain issuing from Donuz in response.
Why simply not state that Donuz squealed in pain or let out a squeal of pain? To me, all the words at the end of this sentence merely clutter it up and move the reader father away from the story. In my opinion, it changes the thrilling experience to reading observation notes. It is like the difference between writing:
a) Speeding around the corner, the black Audi vanished into the night.
and
b) The black Audi was last observed speeding around the corner, after which it could not be seen anymore.
So, long story short, I'd suggest streamlining lengthy sentences like the one quoted above to simpler ones, and while doing so, moving the events into action instead of observation. Eg:
quote:
The tall figure, Thomas, swung around and boxed Donuz in the ears, causing him to squeal in pain.
or
quote:
The tall figure, Thomas, swung around and boxed his companion in the ears. Momentarily deafened by the blow, Donuz squealed horribly in pain.
There were other sentences like this, that, in my opinion, could be straightened out. These are just suggestions though, and of course, altering anything is totally up to you.
Happy writing! =)
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