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jerenda -> RE: In Defiance - Comments (7/31/2010 13:48:51)
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Hello new guy! ^_^ Yay, story! *goes to read*
quote:
– Will you stop making noise already? – said a man's deep voice. (I object to the use of 'said'. There are a million good words you could use here- growl, snap, mutter, you know the ones, and while 'said' is a perfectly acceptable word, especially when you have a lot of dialouge, it just sounds wrong here. Find a shinier word. ^_^)
– Oh, yeah, that's going to help much. If something was around and didn't hear me before, now he has. – A younger voice replied, male as well, riddled with sarcasm. (Don't capitalize 'A', you're continuing the thought, it's all part of the same sentence.)
– For the love of... look, just shut it and watch your step, alright? (You're missing end dashes on both this sentence and the one after. I'm treating the dashes just like quotation marks, which is probably okay because it's stylistic, but you do need end dashes.)
Are there a lot of patrols in the area? That's what "silently dodging all patrols in the area" makes it sound like, so you might want to rethink that sentence, or if there are a lot of patrols, I have another question- why? Except you don't have to answer that.
I've already told you that I like it, and I like it a lot. ^_^ I want to see the next chapter! I'm really curious as to what exactly is going on. You did a pretty good job of explaining the situation clearly without telling us anything useful, which is a handy skill. [;)]
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