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Shreder -> RE: [Comments] Celestine's Poetry (8/17/2010 22:51:22)
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Greetings Celestine, and allow me to welcome you to L&L. I'll share some thoughts and suggestions I have for your poetry below.
Last Breath
Overall I like it, but there are a few areas where the flow seems a bit dodgy. I'll point these out, and offer suggestion on how to fix them. Keep in mind, however, that any suggestions I make are just that, suggestions, and you may use or ignore them as you please.
quote:
Feared by many,
Scared by none.
Slashing through her victims,
One by one.
Her hands forever
stained with blood.
Firstly, I feel the line "Slashing through her victims," would flow much better with the lines before and after it if you were to take out the "her", just leaving: "Slashing through victims," Secondly, although less of a problem than the one mentioned above, I feel you could also leave the "her" out of the line: "Her hands forever", but that's more a matter of personal opinion.
quote:
One victim dies,
Another battle awakes.
Her staff veiled in blood,
Yet a break she never takes.
Reading this aloud, the line: "Yet a break she never takes." sounds a bit awkward and cumbersome. As far as alternatives goes, the best I can come up with at the moment is: "Yet she never takes breaks.", which isn't great, but at least it flows a little better. If you have a better alternative feel free to use it instead...
quote:
Staring at death,
Right in the face.
Eclipse takes her last breath.
I think you'd be better off here combining those two shorter lines into one, but I realize that would throw off your rhyme. Of course, rhyme isn't everything, and I personally feel: "Staring death in the face,/Eclipse takes her last breath." sounds better, but it's up to you.
quote:
Once feared by many,
Scared by none.
Slashing through her victims,
One by one.
Her hands will forever
Be stained with blood.
As with the opening stanza, I think that for the purposes of flow you should take out the "her" from that third line. In this case, however, unlike in the first stanza, I feel you should leave the second "her".
Love
I like how you've taken as common a theme as love and twisted it in a new and interesting way. Anyways, not much I feel could be changed here, it's a good poem.
Well, that's my two cents, I hope it's of use. Regardless, I look forward to seeing more of your work!
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