Fleur Du Mal -> RE: (AQW) Cataclysm Feedback. (10/4/2010 14:33:52)
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Hiya! I took a quick peek on the Prologue and Chapter 1. I liked what I could grasp of the general idea and your style. =) It seems you are in quite a bit of hurry when telling your story, though. The fact that you have almost no paragraphing currently does make the story feel difficult to follow, in my opinion. Where you do, but do not have the extra line breaks between them, makes it a tad straining for the eyes to read as there are no natural spots for the eyes to rest. So, I'd suggest you'd add some paragraphs, and empty lines in between them. For example, a portion of Chapter 1 quote:
I woke in cold sweat, I’ve been having these sorts of dreams a lot lately. Always at the same spot in Lore, the Obelisks. I looked outside and saw some kids running around, playing with their dog. And saw one of my friends, Thrift, running around chasing some moglins, he’s sort of a moglin fanatic. I closed my curtain and walked out the door, got changed and headed out to the local Inn, Yulgar’s. Inside, there were a lot less people than usual, quests or some sort of work were probably keeping them away from Battleon today. But the four that were there, not including Yulgar who was sleeping on the bar table, were my best friends. One was a cat-lady warrior. She has beautiful blue fur. She’s very agile when it comes to fights, she gave my a pretty painful scar over my left eye when I said something I shouldn’t have … Next to her, was the Prince of Lore, Matrim. Dressed in his usual white suit, Top hat, tattered shadow cape, and his top hat, tilted to one side. Matrim was almost always in Yulgar’s inn, even though he should be at the castle, he likes to spend his time drinking and hitting on Ariena. He was talking to Ariena, with every possible sign of drunkenness. Ariena just sat there rolling her eyes. And at the other end of the table, the Pirate Brigadier, my best friend in all of Lore, watching Matrim and Ariena in boredom, his grey eyes sparkling from the lights. He was in his usual outfit, his signature pirate armor, gray and black hair, and a cape he’d taken from a ship he’d conquered after the Great Chaos War. And my other friend, Scooter, who was sitting at the bar table, in a similar armor, like Martyr. He was an odd man… green skin, always war a giant sombrero and a short cape. He was trying to get Yulgar awake, but Yulgar was to exhausted. I walked over to the table and took my seat next to Martyr. “Hey Hik,” Martyrsaid as I sat down. “H…hey Hik,” Matrim stuttered. “Hiya,” Ariena muttered, obviously annoyed at Matrim. “Hey guys. Matrim, your dad was looking for you, he sent one of his knights of Valor to find you, you’d better get going,” I said. “Ugh, not again,” Matrim muttered as he got up from his seat, and splash water on his face at the bar-table. “Well, I’ll see you guys around…” “Finally, he was here since 9 last night, drinking,” Ariena mumbled. I couldn’t help but laugh, neither could Martyr or Scooter, keep a straight face. You see, Matrim and Ariena have this odd relationship, they can’t admit to they’re love for each other, they usually try to hide it, sometimes they insult each other until one leaves. One time Matrim was really drunk, and got Ariena so angry she slashed his face with her extremely sharp nails ( they hurt really bad…). Now Matrim has 3 scars going down the right side of his face. would morph into something like this: quote:
I woke in cold sweat, I’ve been having these sorts of dreams a lot lately. Always at the same spot in Lore, the Obelisks. I looked outside and saw some kids running around, playing with their dog. And saw one of my friends, Thrift, running around chasing some moglins, he’s sort of a moglin fanatic. I closed my curtain and walked out the door, got changed and headed out to the local Inn, Yulgar’s. Inside, there were a lot less people than usual, quests or some sort of work were probably keeping them away from Battleon today. But the four that were there, not including Yulgar who was sleeping on the bar table, were my best friends. One was a cat-lady warrior. She has beautiful blue fur. She’s very agile when it comes to fights, she gave my a pretty painful scar over my left eye when I said something I shouldn’t have … Next to her, was the Prince of Lore, Matrim. Dressed in his usual white suit, Top hat, tattered shadow cape, and his top hat, tilted to one side. Matrim was almost always in Yulgar’s inn, even though he should be at the castle, he likes to spend his time drinking and hitting on Ariena. He was talking to Ariena, with every possible sign of drunkenness. Ariena just sat there rolling her eyes. And at the other end of the table, the Pirate Brigadier, my best friend in all of Lore, watching Matrim and Ariena in boredom, his grey eyes sparkling from the lights. He was in his usual outfit, his signature pirate armor, gray and black hair, and a cape he’d taken from a ship he’d conquered after the Great Chaos War. And my other friend, Scooter, who was sitting at the bar table, in a similar armor, like Martyr. He was an odd man… green skin, always war a giant sombrero and a short cape. He was trying to get Yulgar awake, but Yulgar was to exhausted. I walked over to the table and took my seat next to Martyr. “Hey Hik,” Martyrsaid as I sat down. “H…hey Hik,” Matrim stuttered. “Hiya,” Ariena muttered, obviously annoyed at Matrim. “Hey guys. Matrim, your dad was looking for you, he sent one of his knights of Valor to find you, you’d better get going,” I said. “Ugh, not again,” Matrim muttered as he got up from his seat, and splash water on his face at the bar-table. “Well, I’ll see you guys around…” “Finally, he was here since 9 last night, drinking,” Ariena mumbled. I couldn’t help but laugh, neither could Martyr or Scooter, keep a straight face. You see, Matrim and Ariena have this odd relationship, they can’t admit to they’re love for each other, they usually try to hide it, sometimes they insult each other until one leaves. One time Matrim was really drunk, and got Ariena so angry she slashed his face with her extremely sharp nails ( they hurt really bad…). Now Matrim has 3 scars going down the right side of his face. Note how I only added the extra line breaks and split some portions into several paragraph, like a new paragraph for every friend introduced. This makes the story seem more structured and easier to follow, imo. There are some typos and errors still left in there, such as tense shifts (some sentences are in present tense although your story is in the past), unneeded capitalizations, missing spaces, etc. Examples of these are bolded in the above quote. I'd suggest a bit more proofreading so you can get rid of these. When proofreading, give it time and check also that the events you list out make sense to have in the same sentence and in that particular order. For example here: quote:
I closed my curtain and walked out the door, got changed and headed out to the local Inn, Yulgar’s. you have the main character walk out the door before getting changed. Also, since double, triple, etc posting is totally allowed in L&L,as long as it's not spam, it is actually encouraged and a good idea to put separate chapters to separate posts, and an index with links to the chapters in the first post, especially if the story is any longer than just a shorty or only a few chapters. This also helps the readers to return to your story later on, and quickly find the spot they were at. Anyways, I'd suggest getting these technicalities in order so that you can more easily see how to structure your story. It'll also be easier to read on a computer screen, and aid you in proofreading for typos and such. Welcome to L&L, happy writing and editing and have fun with your story! =)
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