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G.I.G.A. -> RE: (DF) Knights of the Pactogonal Table (3/4/2011 21:09:56)
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Hey there! I'll do an in-depth critique of your story here.
First, I'll start with some spelling/grammar mistakes:
quote:
The Vurrmen now stood on the ground, wielding their weapons with stiffness and cautious.
Try changing "cautious" to "caution".
quote:
They were in a cave, a lair of some sort.
Now, this may be correct, but I feel as if that comma should be changed to a semicolon.
quote:
And army of them were lined up row after row, filled almost to the point they would overflow with seeds, and ready for a battle to begin...
Change "And army" to "An army".
quote:
Each was equip with fencing armor and a light sword, slicing and stabbing at the other's chest.
Change "equip" to "equipped".
quote:
It was all over, and Sir Preem one the challenge.
Change "one" to "won".
quote:
"This soup is excellent. You have god taste in food."
Change "god' to "good".
quote:
"I'm sorry we were so rudely interrupted. I hope you cane forgive me."
Change "cane" to "can".
quote:
and bit each other adieu.
Change "bit" to "bid".
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And now, I'll go through some stylistic mistakes:
quote:
She was thrilled to find a beautiful ground covered in beautiful wildflowers that she did not know enough to see the wolf that was prowling towards her.
Now, this sentence seems rather redundant, most likely due to the fact that you used "beautiful" twice. Try changing one of them to "pretty" or another similar adjective. Also, I would suggest adding a "so" after the "She was" in order to help the sentence flow better.
quote:
Just as the wolf was ready to pounce, a sword came down on its neck, and it lay dead among the colorful petals.
Now, it seems rather odd to use the word "lay" here. To me, it implies that the wolf was already dead and laying there before the knight killed it. Try changing it "fell" or something similar.
quote:
Before he could answer this question, the sound of a battle cry came from the forest, followed by an army of Vurrmen and Sneevils. Immediately, Sir Ean unsheathed his sword and charged at the monsters, who were now spitting seeds at him.
To me, it seems like this part transitions rather quickly. More specifically, the problem is this part in particular: "the sound of a battle cry came from the forest, followed by an army of Vurrmen and Sneevils." Perhaps you could go into a little more detail of how the army came out. Or perhaps, instead of saying that the sounds of battle were followed by the army, say that Sir Ean heard the sounds of battle, and then saw the army.
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Overall, I rather enjoyed your story. I liked the new knight puns you made, too. The plot wasn't absolutely gripping, but then again, that's probably mostly due to personal preference; I don't enjoy romances much.
Got it all? Great!
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