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Acid001 -> RE: C+C thread: I, Imagination. (12/5/2011 10:35:15)
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Hey Helixi. :)
Just a foreword: my critiques tend to focus largely on flow and style, because those are what I'm good at. That's why I might sound a little cold. Rest assured, I don't intend to be; I, Imagination is a fantastic story, and I wouldn't be bothering to critique it if I thought otherwise. Only good writers can benefit from critique.
The only real issue I see immediately is a disposition to tell rather than show. For instance, I'd consider omitting the quotation marks in phrases like 'I sighed and "rolled" over' and 'She was my older "sister"'. In cases like these it's better to just state something and let the reader figure it out, rather than punctuating them and risk breaking the flow of the narrative. The quotes sort of make the reader feel like they're being shouted at.
There's also a line near the end: quote:
I was stunned. My sister, my beloved sister had killed the very race she had helped bring into existence. My mind reeled away from this stark confession, not wanting to believe it. WHY?! Quite a lot of telling here. A more subtle approach would probably be to omit most of that line and perhaps focus on Imagination's emotional reaction, rather than a retelling of the narrative you've already built up. Again, it shatters the illusion.
Finally, the last paragraph is quite light. There's great scope there for a few lines of philosophical discussion, perhaps relating Lilith's tyranny to everyday life, expanding on the cool modern-creation-myth vibe you have going. As it is, it leaves the reader feeling a little short-changed.
Again, I really like this piece. It's a cool concept, grand in scope but contained within your word count, and - like any good fiction - it inspires thought. I'll have a look at your longer pieces when I have a little more time on my hands, but in the meantime let me know if you get any more short stories posted! :)
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