Womba -> RE: Comments on The Elysia Saga (5/20/2011 0:40:46)
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Yeah well.. it could be worse. "Someone" could have made a clan, AND siggy dedicated only to said character. But I'm not THAT obsessed. Now... obviously everyone would expect me to rage about this but I still have to follow the rules and such and blabla... *starts reading* quote:
A cold wind blew into the map room as they stood over the table. they were getting a lot of those these days. Guardian Kain, gold and steel Guardian armor gleeming, pointed at a part of the map. "We've pushed the monsters past the walls, and so far we are able to keep them there," he said. "But it won't last long," said Jonathan, his dull grey dragonlord armor having evolved with blue highlights and gems shining in the sunlight, and his dragonlord helm on the ground, letting his semi-spiked brown hero hair free. "Sepulchure will do anything he can to tear the walls down and get the Orb of Darkness." "Wouldn't the Orb be safer if we hid it somewhere else, just in case?" asked Elysia, her long, white, hooded gown flowing, with her violet hair barely showing behind her beautiful face, and her black dragon necklace start against the white. "I mean, that way, even if he wins, he still won't have the Orb." "I understand your reasoning Elysia, but this is the best place," said Jonathan. "Their is no secure place where we already don't have an orb, and anywhere we hid it he could find it." "What about Oaklore?" asked Kain. "It's secure, filled with knights and even has a dragonlord." "Maybe, but if we moved it there Sepulchure's spies would see us move it," replied Jonathan. "Every idea we have, you say it won't work!" shouted Kain, exasperated. "I'm sorry," said Jonathan, "but there really is no other choice." "Jonathan! Guardian Kain Sir!" shouted a Guardian rushing in the room. "The monsters are getting through!" Kain rushed off with the Guardian, but Jonathan staid. "I just need to get my things!" He started gathering his stuff which he had left on the ground. But as he started to leave, Elysia grabbed his arm. "Don't die out there," she whispered, coming close. "Don't worry, I won't," said Jonathan with a smirk. "Promise me," she said, looking into his eyes. "I promise," he said. They came close, and their lips met. Elysia pushed away and turned around. "I don't know how exacty to explain it," Jonathan said hurredly, "but I really like you. I promise I will survive this." Elysia came close again, and kissed him lightly on the mouth. "For the record," she said, I like you to." Then she ran off, and Jonathan went to fight. WALL OF TEXT! Now... it's not bad but these things can keep a person from reading stories. I recommend after every 8 sentences (2 or so paragraphs) that you press ENTER so the words don't become a wall. Also, Their should be THERE. quote:
Sepulchure sat musing on his throne of bones, Doom Knight armor seeming to radiate drakness, swallowing all light nearby, though there was very liitle light to swallow. Typo, spelled LITTLE. quote:
She thought about how it could seem as if he was different people, the mighty warrior, the powerful dragonlord, the rightious paladin, the honourable Guardian, the mysterious soulweaver, the master stragegist, and even the the unsure boy in the map room. Strategist. Also, it looks like a Run-On sentence to me. I recommend removing some of the descriptive stuff to keep the sentence from dragging on.
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