RE: The legacy of Therril Oreb discussion (Full Version)

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Gingkage -> RE: The legacy of Therril Oreb discussion (3/10/2013 20:31:22)

Well, I'm lazy so I'm getting to this hours later than I said I would. *sheepish grin* But, here goes.

Chapter 8:

quote:

After staring fascinated at the sparring and training of the knights, and the occasional prank they pull on each other,

*pulled

quote:

As she left the keep, 2 knights accompany her to the forest. While they travel, they come accross a few bandits, then a weird blue version of the red thing that was with the woman that woke a bear up and then something else...

*two, accompanied; traveled, came, across (really close, though)

This section seems really rushed to me. What happened with the bandits? How did they kill the bear? What did they do to Zorbak after he woke up the bear? Assuming that the 'something else' was the Hydra, how did Therril see it while he was still hanging back? More importantly, how did he see it before it burst through the bridge? If it wasn't, than what was your mysterious 'something else'? A few details could change a fairly plain paragraph into something that keeps people interested. I get that you wanted to focus on the battle with the hydra, but glazing over these battles, in my opinion, detracts from the story ever so slightly.

quote:

The knights fiercely charge at the beast.

*charged

quote:

They quickly dispatched of it but as soon as it fell, 3 more heads appeared one which seemed bigger then the others. once more the knights swung their swords at the serpents but this time the creature was prepared and managed to grab one of the knights in its jaws.

I would remove the 'of' from the first sentence, but that's a personal preference, *three, one of which, Once more

quote:

The other knight quickly jumped back and took a better look at its foes. He took his helmet and gloves off and Raven saw rather quickly a weird symbol on the back of his hand.

Was this intentional? First the knight is called 'it' and then you call him a 'he.' Assuming you did this because you did not know his gender at first, in general, an unknown gender is referred to as a 'he,' making it 'The other knight quickly jumped back and took a better look at his foes.' Or alternatively, you could use 'his or her' making it' The other knight quickly jumped back and took a better look at his or her foes.'

quote:

The other quickly responded:"I made sure the blast couldn't really hurt you.

The colon should be replaced by a comma.

quote:

But I wanted to deal with them quickly before you were any further then behind his teeth."

*than

quote:

"The hydra became the repaired part of the bridge it broke himself." Pointed the charred knight out, half laughing, half relieved.

There should be a comma between the final word of the quote and the closing quotation mark, *pointed. 'Pointed the charred knight out' reads oddly to me. It would flow better in my mind if it read 'the charred knight pointed out'.

quote:

"The path is clear, Falconreach is just beyond this bridge milady."

There should be a comma between 'bridge' and 'milady'.

quote:

"Thank you both, brave knights for your support. I am sorry to have made this such a difficult journey for you both." Answered the woman. They moved on with Raven right behind them.

Again, comma between the last word of the quote and the closing quotation mark. It would read more easily to me if 'answered the woman' was changed to 'the woman answered.' I'm fairly certain that there should be a comma between 'on' and 'with' in the last sentence in the quote.

quote:

The only thing that you saw quickly was a big tower with a bird on top of it.

With few exceptions, you don't want to directly address your reader. It jars the flow and removes you from the story. One of the few exceptions is in 'pick your own' types of stories, but this isn't one of those. It's even more jarring as this is the first time that you've directly addressed the reader. I would change it to 'The only distinguishable feature was a large tower with the statue of a bird on top of it.' Or to change it as little as possible, 'The only thing quickly seen was a big tower with a bird on top of it.'

quote:

Raven started to panick.

*panic

quote:

After speaking some courage into himself, Raven flew and landed on the knight's table. The knight looked curious at him.

I think the phrase in the first sentence is more commonly seen as 'After working up some courage, Raven flew and landed on the knight's table.' But that doesn't necessarily need changed. In the second sentence, 'curious' should be 'curiously.'

quote:

"Yes I am a bird, a raven to be more exact." Said Raven.

*"Yes I am a bird, a raven to be more exact," said Raven.

quote:

The knight frowns and says: "Greetings raven. With what do I earn the greetings of a bird like you?"

*frowned, said,

quote:

Raven sure was suprised, didn't expect anyone to greet him so casually since he was, well... a bird.

*surprised, he didn't expect. I don't think that the 'sure' is needed in this sentence. I would remove it, leaving the sentence as 'Raven was surprised,...' but that's optional.

quote:

"I saw you fight against that thing you called a Hydra. I was impressed. You ended it with one blast of what I think was lightning. Do you by any chance know more about magic? Like curses? Or perhaps transformation magic?"

Why wouldn't Raven be certain that it was lightening he saw? Has he never been in a thunderstorm to have never seen lightening before?

quote:

But where are my manners, my name is Faerdin. Rune knight and loyal knight of the king."

Personal preference, but I would change it to 'But where are my manners? My name is Faerdin."

quote:

Faerdin continued smiling and simply answers: "Sure, what can I help you with? You look quite normal to me unless of course being a bird is not how you normally are."

Colon should be replaced with a comma, *answered

quote:

If Raven didn't know better, he would laugh outloud.

*out loud, I think it reads better as 'he would have laughed out loud' but that's just a personal preference.

quote:

Perhaps I saw a lot of runaways like yours but then a bit less... overdone....Perhaps you are born with the gift of transformation and did the hooded person you came across with try to make that clear to you."

I have no idea what you're trying to say here.

quote:

He wanted to be a soldier, if he wanted to be a scholar or a magician, he would have been into books and not into swords and athletics.

I think it might read better as 'if he had wanted to be a scholar or magician...'

quote:

Faerdin continued: "We can look into what you are or have tomorow. I know a few places where we might get more information for you. But it is getting late so let us have a good night sleep first ok?"

Replace the colon with a comma, *tomorrow, *okay

quote:

His childish brain has had enough for today and quickly fell asleep.

I think you should put the word 'he' before the last three words. Otherwise your only having the brain fall asleep, when really you're saying that Therril was the one who did.

Chapter 9:

Overall, this chapter is strange to read. You keep jumping from past tense to present in a somewhat jarring way. Here are some of the things that I saw, though.

quote:

Three dark individuals creep over the hallway.

Do you mean 'crept into the hallway'?

quote:

"Most definatly. I overheard them talking. There is no doubt. He has returned just like was foretold.

*definitely, 'He has returned, just like it was foretold./He has returned, just as it was foretold.' Those are two of the ways I can think of that I would change the sentence to, but those are optional. I am, however, fairly certain that the last sentence would make more sense with the addition of the word 'it' between the words 'like' and 'was.'

quote:

The two other individuals nod in agreement and continue towards the sleephall where Faerdin and Raven sleep.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'sleephall' but 'sleep' should probably be 'slept.'

quote:

One of them sneaks inside the room while the other two stand guard in front in case anyone sees them.

*sneaked, stood

quote:

Once in front of the bed, the masked person gives a short hit on where Raven's neck most likely is and paralyzes him before he could even make a single noise.

I'm not sure what you're trying to say here.

quote:

Cursing, Faerdin finnishes the fight quickly wel a quick blast of lightning.

*finished, with

quote:

Suddenly out of nowhere, a red headed person yells: "FOR FISH AND FOR TEH LULZ!"

Comma, not a colon.

quote:

The place was filled with the weirdest of things. The guards looked the most normal here. You had weird winged creatures, horses inside, you could hear battlecries from behind a door. No doubt this had to be a place with great magic.

Minus the gryphons, I'm not seeing any obvious connection to magic. How is Therril making this connection?

I will save chapter ten for another day (unless I get beaten to it).



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: The legacy of Therril Oreb discussion (3/11/2013 7:41:18)

Seems I missed something.

quote:

By the time he wakes up, he can see it is getting dark.

woke, could, was

quote:

The sound of metal scraping against each other, blades clashing together with an environment tense yet relaxed.


I mean it sounds off. I know what it is about, I just don't know what it is he wants to say. Something he could want to say is ....

e.g.: Blades clashing together made the trusted sound of metal scraping against each other and gave the environment a tense yet relaxed feel to it.

quote:

I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'sleephall' but 'sleep' should probably be 'slept.'

@Ginkage: I believe he means (a) sleeping hall/quarter(s) or dormitory.

quote:

The 4 sat down at a table, seeing as he* cooperates, Faerdin decided to make things more comfortable for everyone.

four, cooperated

*He who? Be sure to mention you mean the mysterious offender by this.

quote:

"Let is start as civil people shall we?

Let's/Let us, civilized

quote:

Raven quickly interupted.

interrrupted

quote:

But untill now I didn't want to tell my <> name.

till/until, real/actual

quote:

But tht does not matter.

that

quote:

<>But ever since that faithfull day, my life <> had no meaning to me anyway.

", faithful, has

quote:

Not untill Ramon usurped the throne from your father<> Therril."

after, ,

since you say "ever since", otherwise he would say his life had no meaning before Ramon usurped the throne.

quote:

Raven was shocked but kept his beak shut. Wanted to hear more.

as he wanted

quote:

"Very well<> my liege. Let me first start with who you are. You are the first and only born son of the former leader of the Raven clan. Revondil Oreb. Hence you are Therril Oreb, rightfull leader of the clan."

,, son born, ,, rightful

quote:

Faerdin interupted Brian. "Before we go any further into family reunions, could you explain what you are? and what the clan is?

interrupted

quote:

Briannodded and continued: "The raven clan is an ancient clan and race at the same time. Born a very long time ago as an experiment of the elements Darkness and Wind. We may look human, but we always deemed ourselves superior for we have the adaptivity of humans but the mind, graciousness and flying abilities of the animal you all know as a raven. Back in time, ravens were a lot smarter and were used as messengers and even rarely as a councilman or spokesman. Now they are just animals like there are plenty of in the woods. But we live on. We have the power to change our form between Human and raven. But we all have diferent degree's of how much we can master. Most of us can only change between humand and bird form. They are but the peasants of the clan. They are never alowed to be soldiers. Then you can have anything between the forms. Some can turn their hands or feet into talons or change their arms into wings to fly. They perform the minor tasks of the army. Like scouting or being a watch. Then you have people like me. We can sprout wings but keep the rest of our human form giving us the fighting advantages that a human can have but we can fly just as easily. We are the strong part of the army. We can vary in rank depending on our strengths but that is just the same as any other place. But there is one family that can do anything. They can change any part of them into that of a mighty raven. They are the royal family. meaning your father's family and you too Therril. You are sepurior to any of the raven clan thus are the leader. And normally everyone agrees with it but Ramon didn't. He was jealous of the family. He found it unfair that the leading family had the right to lead without exception. Ramon doesn't have the abilities your father had but he was way stronger. His brute force combined with the speed of his wings took your father down very quickly. There was not even a warning for it. He flew to your father and knocked him out without a second thought and claimed the throne for his own."

Brian nodded, ,

This piece of dialogue is somewhat unrealistic. It also doesn't make for good storytelling, show rather than tell. Now I am aware this is about telling the history of the clan, but dialogue is about having a conversation between two or more people. It helps with fleshing out characters.

quote:

A king has guards to protect him<> right?

,

quote:

You were the only chance our people had and Ramon knew that.

How is Therril his people's only chance?

quote:

He turned the clan into a military.

He gave the clan a more military character.

quote:

The smiths were only alowed to forge weapons and armour.

allowed

quote:

I had little to say in ti so I just accepted the faith of the clan.

it, fate

quote:

Brian had to laugh<> "We see ourselves as perfect but we are not as Ramon already had shown. Only the women in our tribe are able to cast spells.

, has, of

quote:

But they are more frail and can only sprout wings.

Excuse me, but how does it work if one is a peasant woman?

quote:

They have only magic as a way of self-defence or as offensive abilities.

I don't understand what you mean by this. The way you describe it they have both offensive and defensive abilities when it comes to magic.

quote:

Your mother, Therril, was beautifull but was not strong when it came to combat.

beautiful

quote:

But nobody could doubt her strength as a wise person andher teleportation magic. She could send anything to anywhere."

or her

quote:

Faerdin was muttering in himself.

to, ,

quote:

Yet in not a single book I have read not a single place I have been have I heared of this raven clan.

heard

Yet not a single book nor a single place I have been to have I ever come across so much as a notion of this raven clan.

quote:

Which is why I said my life is worth less then nothing now.

than

quote:

We are in a secret isle somewhere near the mainland made of pure forest. If you venture in it, our females make sure that whomever enters, leaves on the other side of the forest without them noticing we are here.

live on, into, whoever, there

quote:

Of course, if things go wrong, our soldiers have to take care of the intruders though lately, Ramon simply gave the order to kill every person that enters the forest that is not part of our clan.

who

quote:

Me alongside with 2 others of the elite were sent to find you and capture you.

two

quote:

Therril looked assured of himself.

,

quote:

Brian didn't look as hopefull.

hopeful,

quote:

Faerdin and Chisagen stood up. "But he is not alone. He can count on the help of the knights of swordhaven and the pactegonal knights." aid faerdin<>

, Pactagonal, added(?), .

quote:

Therril shaked his head.

shook, ,

quote:

I need all three of your help to help me train to stand against Ramon and his guards.

you

You mention that you have peasants who harvest, but you also mention that the entire island on which the clan lives is composed of forest. So what is it the peasants grow?



Therril Oreb -> RE: The legacy of Therril Oreb discussion (3/11/2013 15:22:49)

quote:

quote:

"I saw you fight against that thing you called a Hydra. I was impressed. You ended it with one blast of what I think was lightning. Do you by any chance know more about magic? Like curses? Or perhaps transformation magic?"

Why wouldn't Raven be certain that it was lightening he saw? Has he never been in a thunderstorm to have never seen lightening before?


He has seen thunderstorms yes but he is not all that used to magic. Since it looked like lightning, he just made a lucky guess.

quote:

quote:

Perhaps I saw a lot of runaways like yours but then a bit less... overdone....Perhaps you are born with the gift of transformation and did the hooded person you came across with try to make that clear to you."

I have no idea what you're trying to say here.


Well Faerdin has heard more stories of runaway kids but then with less action. Also Faerdin makes a few suggestins that come to his mind to explain the weird things that happened to Therril.

quote:

quote:

The two other individuals nod in agreement and continue towards the sleephall where Faerdin and Raven sleep.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'sleephall' but 'sleep' should probably be 'slept.'


A sleephall, a plac where a whole group of people sleep? as far as I remember, in medieval times this was cheap and prefered for most adventurers

quote:

quote:

Once in front of the bed, the masked person gives a short hit on where Raven's neck most likely is and paralyzes him before he could even make a single noise.

I'm not sure what you're trying to say here.


Raven got a hit in the neck, hitting his central nerval system and paralyzing him temporarily. yah know, ninja style :p

quote:

quote:

The place was filled with the weirdest of things. The guards looked the most normal here. You had weird winged creatures, horses inside, you could hear battlecries from behind a door. No doubt this had to be a place with great magic.



Minus the gryphons, I'm not seeing any obvious connection to magic. How is Therril making this connection?

Well not counting the sheer magical atmosphere, there were quite a few magical creatures in the tower. Fairies being the small winged creatures and the gryphons. Kids can be impressed rather quickly no? :p

quote:

quote:

You were the only chance our people had and Ramon knew that.

How is Therril his people's only chance?


Therril is the only son of the clan then with royal blood in him. As long as he lives, people will never truly see Ramon as the true leader of the clan.
quote:


quote:

But they are more frail and can only sprout wings.

Excuse me, but how does it work if one is a peasant woman?


They do the household. take care of the children. But that is assuming they are the weaker kind and are not formidable in magic.
The women formidable in magic or something else, can gain a better status.

quote:

quote:

They have only magic as a way of self-defence or as offensive abilities.

I don't understand what you mean by this. The way you describe it they have both offensive and defensive abilities when it comes to magic.


With this I mean that women can't really be effective in using any kind of weapon. Using swords or axes take too much strength and the same goes for wielding bows.
So Magic is their only resort if they are able.

quote:

You mention that you have peasants who harvest, but you also mention that the entire island on which the clan lives is composed of forest. So what is it the peasants grow?

Berries, fruit from trees. The raven clan harvests food from the trees. Or hunters hunt for meat though not too often to make sure hunting game never gets truly extinct on the isle.

Just a question Dwelling.
If describing the isle and the community like that is not realistic. How would you describe it then without making it seem weird what Brian tells Chisagen, Faerdin and Therril?



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: The legacy of Therril Oreb discussion (3/11/2013 16:51:26)

I'd suggest putting in some comments of others who fit. Here are some suggestions, but it's up to you what to do with them as it is your story in the end.

quote:

"The raven clan is an ancient clan and race at the same time. Born a very long time ago as an experiment of the elements Darkness and Wind. <Faerdin> We may look human, but we always deemed ourselves superior for we have the adaptivity of humans but the mind, graciousness and flying abilities of the animal you all know as a raven. <Chisagen> Back in time, ravens were a lot smarter and were used as messengers and even rarely as a councilman or spokesman. Now they are just animals like there are plenty of in the woods. But we live on. We have the power to change our form between Human and raven. But we all have diferent degree's of how much we can master. Most of us can only change between humand and bird form.* <Therril> They are but the peasants of the clan. They are never alowed to be soldiers. Then you can have anything between the forms. Some can turn their hands or feet into talons or change their arms into wings to fly. They perform the minor tasks of the army. Like scouting or being a watch. Then you have people like me. We can sprout wings but keep the rest of our human form giving us the fighting advantages that a human can have but we can fly just as easily. We are the strong part of the army. We can vary in rank depending on our strengths but that is just the same as any other place. But there is one family that can do anything. They can change any part of them into that of a mighty raven. They are the royal family. meaning your father's family and you too Therril. You are sepurior to any of the raven clan thus are the leader. And normally everyone agrees with it but Ramon didn't. He was jealous of the family. He found it unfair that the leading family had the right to lead without exception.** Ramon doesn't have the abilities your father had but he was way stronger. His brute force combined with the speed of his wings took your father down very quickly. There was not even a warning for it. He flew to your father and knocked him out without a second thought and claimed the throne for his own."


*This is what I meant when you noted that females of the clan could only sprout wings, seeing you stated peasants can only change between human and bird form.

**So he is a hypocrite? (Claiming the strong having the right to rule and all.)

Another thing, if Therril/a soldier were to marry a girl or woman of a different rank than he is. What would become of their children?



Therril Oreb -> RE: The legacy of Therril Oreb discussion (3/11/2013 16:57:50)

Women only have 2 kinds.
Those that like peasants can only shift between bird and human form. And those that can be human with wings.
How strong their magic is does not matter for the magic is not related to the shapeshifting powers. Though it is know that women that can have wings in human form usually are stronger in magic.

As for marrying and birthing children. The soceity is unlike others. A high ranked soldier could marry a peasant women and live hapily and everyone would accept it. Or at least it was like that when Brian was there last time.[;)]

The children themselves can eb like the mother, like the father or something in between. For some unknown reason, males can never cast magic without tools. And women can never shapeshift anything else but into a bird, a human or a human with wings.
Let's say the woman is a peasant but mediocre magic casting abilities. and has a child from a soldier able to shapeshift talons on his arms.

The possibilities could be but are not limited to:
-a boy able to shapeshift talons in palce of his arms.
-a boy peasant with nothing special.
-a female peasant with magic abilities only as strong as the mother. Only rarily higher and then that would be only possible if someone on the mother's side was an exceptional spellcaster.

Of course, each raven shifter is still unique and has its own traits. So if the father is a buff person, the male can be one too. But the daughter could never be buff just like the boy could never cast magic.

As for Ramon. He himself sees his believe of rulership as rightfull. The strong rule the weak, that is how he thinks and reigns.
Wether you call him a hypocrite is your opinion on him. Some would say it is the right way, others say it is unjust.

I personally believe that there should be a balance. The strong need the weak and the other way around and Therril will think alike since I try to make him like the way i am and think. (yes I can be so absent minded as a child XD)

I changed chapter 10 slightly to give the storytelling a bit more life to it. Opinions?



Gingkage -> RE: The legacy of Therril Oreb discussion (3/12/2013 14:25:49)

Okay. Time to get to your edited chapter 10.

quote:

Faerdin stepped in again, "So did your race exist during that time too?"

I'm probably the only one who has no idea about this, but what does Faerdin mean by 'that time'?

quote:

We have the power to change our form between human and raven. But we all have diferent degree's of how much we can master.

*different *degrees

quote:

Most of us can only change between humand and bird form.

*human and

quote:

We can vary in rank depending on our strengths but that is just the same as any other place.

You forgot the closing quotation mark. Personally, I would remove the word 'just' and change 'any other place' to 'anywhere else' but those are personal preferences. The way you have it works well enough.

quote:

You are sepurior to any of the raven clan thus are the leader.

*superior You were close.

quote:

Ramon doesn't have the abilities your father had but he was way stronger. His brute force combined with the speed of his wings took your father down very quickly. There was not even a warning for it. He flew to your father and knocked him out without a second thought and claimed the throne for his own."

Raven was stunned by it. "How is that possible? Weren't there guards? A king has guards to protect him, right?"

"He does, and the guards fought back but none could match his strength.

This part doesn't make much sense to me. Even if Ramon had the strength of 10 men, he was still outnumbered. Why did no one try to stop his claiming the throne as a unit? If the raven clan had a military, then why didn't the soldiers try and fight him as a trained unit. Superior numbers would have won. And why didn't Therril's father just reclaim the throne? According to this account, all Ramon did was knock him out, meaning he'd still be alive.

quote:

Chisagen suddenly started to talk out of the blue: "Whoa whoa whoa, spells? So you guys can cast spells as well? Is there something you cannot do or are you really the perfect race you claim to be?"

Comma, not a colon.

quote:

Faerdin was muttering to himself, "But how come we never heard of your people before? Yet not a single book nor a single place I have been to have I ever come across so much as a notion of this raven clan."

I think you're missing a sentence here. That or you need to remove the word 'yet' because it doesn't make sense as it is now.

quote:

When word got out that a boy fell out of a tower and sprouted wings, the clan was in an uproar. The lost prince refound?

*'refound' isn't a word.

quote:

"And the Beacons of Hope will not stay still for such injustice, we are in too!"

I believe that the word you're looking for is 'stand' not 'stay.'

Overall, I enjoy the story. There are some places that could use more detail and that I'm a little fuzzy on why they play out like that, but it's an enjoyable read. I like the changes that you've made to this most recent chapter.



Therril Oreb -> RE: The legacy of Therril Oreb discussion (3/12/2013 15:06:33)

quote:

quote:

Faerdin stepped in again, "So did your race exist during that time too?"

I'm probably the only one who has no idea about this, but what does Faerdin mean by 'that time'?


I really thought that was clear but just to make sure you udnerstand. The time during which the ravens were a lot smarter, the time the Raven Shifters came into existance.


quote:

quote:

Ramon doesn't have the abilities your father had but he was way stronger. His brute force combined with the speed of his wings took your father down very quickly. There was not even a warning for it. He flew to your father and knocked him out without a second thought and claimed the throne for his own."

Raven was stunned by it. "How is that possible? Weren't there guards? A king has guards to protect him, right?"

"He does, and the guards fought back but none could match his strength.

This part doesn't make much sense to me. Even if Ramon had the strength of 10 men, he was still outnumbered. Why did no one try to stop his claiming the throne as a unit? If the raven clan had a military, then why didn't the soldiers try and fight him as a trained unit. Superior numbers would have won. And why didn't Therril's father just reclaim the throne? According to this account, all Ramon did was knock him out, meaning he'd still be alive.


Now now, Let's not spoil everything yet Gingkage :p
a story wouldn't be fun if one knew the outcome. But I can say that after seeing their leader knocked out so fast, it made the soldiers to fear Ramon.


Ok, done the changes. I am glad you enjoyed it so far. Once the story is completely done I might rewrite some parts for I do see that More paragraphing makes reading it a lot better.



Therril Oreb -> RE: The legacy of Therril Oreb discussion (3/28/2013 16:21:44)

Chapter 11 is finished. Now to think of a good way to fill in the next part. Therril is only just learning of what he can do. [:D]



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: The legacy of Therril Oreb discussion (3/29/2013 12:06:15)

quote:

He noticed that Brian already left his bed.

already had left/had already gotten out of

quote:

Curious what Brian is up to, Therril went looking for him.

was

quote:

When Therril flew outside, he didn't see anyone.

Assuming that we are talking about Falconreach I think there will always be people outside. Twilly, albeit still sleeping, is out on his stump and then there are the guardians who also patrol at night.

Coming back on that point however, what is Falconreach like in your story?

quote:

It was still too early for anyone to get up <>.

be, yet

quote:

Wondering if Brian <> left, Therril flew up and started scouting the town. He found Brian on top of the Falconreach tower and quickly flew towards him.

had

By wondering if Brian had left, does that mean if Therril wondered if Brian had forsaken or perhaps even lied to him about his intentions?

quote:

Every morning she yelled at me, saying I am lazy and that it is about time I should make myself usefull.

telling me I was, was, useful

quote:

Even though Therril never liked it, telling Brian about it made him smile.

So what you are trying to bring across here is that Therril is nostalgic, despite not seeing why he misses it?

quote:

Saying that sleep is more neccessary to be fit enough for combat.

was, necessary

quote:

Refuses Ramon to usurp the throne.

He refused to let Ramon

quote:

It costed him his life.

cost

quote:

Brian tried putteing up a smile again

putting

quote:

While we idle and waste time here, The clan... MY clan is under the reign of that tyran.

tyrant

quote:

But that desn't mean that everything around you has to wait.

doesn't

quote:

I will get help in the mean time.

meantime

quote:

You have to be able to adapt to every situation.

any (personal preference)

quote:

Seeing there might be a chance for a new reign in the raven clan, Brian swore to himself he would teach Therril all he knows.

knew

quote:

While Brian and Therril follow Faerdin, Therril looked around.

followed

quote:

He didn't had time to see the town since his arrival.

hadn't



Therril Oreb -> RE: The legacy of Therril Oreb discussion (4/3/2013 16:08:06)

quote:

quote:

When Therril flew outside, he didn't see anyone.

Assuming that we are talking about Falconreach I think there will always be people outside. Twilly, albeit still sleeping, is out on his stump and then there are the guardians who also patrol at night.

Coming back on that point however, what is Falconreach like in your story?

Well I didn't think of guardians patrolling the town and well in my story, FR is a bit more dynamic then in how it is shown in DF. Meaning that Twilly does wander off if he wants, he could sleep on a haystack near the inn or something :p
As for how it looks like, it looks right now before it had his big walls. It was more of the town we knew during the orb saga's but before the big rebuilding (can't count how many it were lol)
But asume that FR was not too big yet, that we only have northern FR during that time. As time will progress rapidly, You will see some time jumps and thus see some new things happening in Lore just like how it goes during the story. So that also means there are only few Townsfolk yet and FR still has to grow.
I intend to follow the DF storyline from Book 1 as close as possible. I have a lot of memory gaps of the timeline so if something is not correct, don't hesitate to notify me.

quote:

quote:

Wondering if Brian <> left, Therril flew up and started scouting the town. He found Brian on top of the Falconreach tower and quickly flew towards him.

had

By wondering if Brian had left, does that mean if Therril wondered if Brian had forsaken or perhaps even lied to him about his intentions?

Therril simply thought that perhaps Brian had left but he believed Brian's intentions. He saw no reason as for why brian would lie.

quote:

quote:

Even though Therril never liked it, telling Brian about it made him smile.

So what you are trying to bring across here is that Therril is nostalgic, despite not seeing why he misses it?

You could see it like that. He is still a child really. He has big dreams but has yet to understand how the world really works.
So he still does not understand what has all happened so he simply kept going on. Thinking back to it all made him remember some of his less fond memories.


Edited the errors as well now.



Crisis Hoarder -> RE: The legacy of Therril Oreb discussion (4/20/2013 15:51:14)

When Therril meets Chisagen, isnt't the plural for fish "fish"? Not "fishes"?



Therril Oreb -> RE: The legacy of Therril Oreb discussion (4/20/2013 16:18:50)

After checking it you are right Crisi Hoarder. I never knew.
Blame the pirates threatening us to "Swim with the fishes" :p



Therril Oreb -> RE: The legacy of Therril Oreb discussion (5/30/2013 14:53:14)

Well made a few changes to chapter 12 and chapter 13 is out as well. Sorry to everyone that I don't write as fast but I rather write when it comes to me. :)

Any feedback is welcome ^^

EDIT: Formatted up untill the filler chapters. So now it is less of a pain to read it all :D



Jorath -> RE: The legacy of Therril Oreb discussion (5/30/2013 17:26:23)

quote:

it is your father's sword his his father's sword and so on.


This should be 'which was passed down from his father'.

quote:

But it is no simply ornament you hang on the wall.


simple

quote:

Therril was listening fascinated.


'listening' should be removed as it doesn't make sense with 'fascinated'.

quote:

May when the leader wields this sword, his wings be a shelter to all his people.


'May' should be removed as well; 'his wings will be a shelter'.

How will Therril's wings act as a shelter to his people, even if he wields the sword?

quote:

But enoguh about me


enough



Therril Oreb -> RE: The legacy of Therril Oreb discussion (5/31/2013 5:10:29)

Changes made Leon.

As for your question. This will be answered in due time. Brian can only tell what he knows that is being told about the sword. Which were the words said by the mage in the legend of Ravel.
But I promise it will be told in more detail in the future.[;)]



Gingkage -> RE: The legacy of Therril Oreb discussion (5/31/2013 18:16:08)

Hey, it's me! One question, though (and a comment), why does Therril automatically assume the wolf is Gingkage's? And as for the comment, she doesn't actually 'own' Blaze. If asked, she would never say that he's 'hers.' She'd call him her friend, or her companion, or her friend and companion, but she would never claim ownership of him.



Therril Oreb -> RE: The legacy of Therril Oreb discussion (5/31/2013 19:04:26)

I understand. I will correct my sentence.
quote:

And the wolf here is called Blaze. He is not mine, but he and I travel together as companions and friends.

Is this more correct?

As for why Therril asumes that Blaze is of Gingkage. Wouldn't you consider an animal standing next to me to have some relationship to me then? :p
It was pretty much a wild guess of him.



Gingkage -> RE: The legacy of Therril Oreb discussion (5/31/2013 19:07:12)

That's more accurate, yea. And I thought that might have been the reason for the assumption.

It occurs to me that, though Gingkage always calls Blaze her 'wolf friend and companion' it's not actually accurate. It's how she'll always explain it because that's the easiest way to do so, but in case it's needed, here's the actually accurate way of explaining it:

Blaze is Gingkage's constant companion. It doesn't matter what she's up against, or what she's feeling emotionally, she knows that Blaze is right there beside her. As close as Gingkage feels she is to her friends, what she has with Blaze will always be far more. If she had to choose between anyone she cares about and Blaze, she would always choose Blaze. Without hesitation.

I doubt you'll ever need the more accurate explanation of what Blaze is to Gingkage, but just in case, there you go, with a few edits to make it more general and less specific to one group of people.



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