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Goldstein -> RE: (HS) Star Screamer: Reason to die-disscusion (8/20/2011 17:01:10)
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Not to be mean, but I was going to read it, but the lack of grammar made me stop. Here's a few tips.
Separate the chapters into paragraphs. Whenever there is dialogue, hit the enter key. Here's an example.
BAD: Bob and Sue were holding hands. The sand was soft and the sun had caused the glassy sea to erupt into a dazzling display of reds and oranges. "I hate you," Bob said. "You're disgusting," Sue replied.
GOOD: Bob and Sue were holding hands. The sand was soft and the sun had caused the glassy sea to erupt into a dazzling display of reds and oranges.
"I hate you," Bob said.
"You're disgusting," Sue said.
See the difference? It keeps your work from becoming a painful wall of text. Also, show don't tell. Don't tell us his back story. Take us through it. With my story, the first half is basically devoted to my hero becoming a hero.
I also see that you're doing this from the first point with the narrator throwing in commentary. Try to make it sound more like an actual person. Get rid of parenthesis, they're not needed when using this style.
I hope I'm not being too harsh, but this has true potential and I'd really like to read it. It just pains me to see a good story crippled by poor grammar.
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