[collaboration] The Guardians (Full Version)

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Orcus LV -> [collaboration] The Guardians (8/24/2011 11:56:47)

Arthur
Gender: Male
Age: Beginning: 12. In the rest: 24
Background: Living at a farm near the city of Falconreach, he had always seen the great Guardians ride out to war, and had always wanted to be one of them... Protagonist of the story

Erebus
Gender: Male
Age: Not known
Background: Once a great guardian, noble and strong, but everything changed in a battle against a necromancer, where his friends and wife were killed, and his right arm were turned into a that of a skeleton, he swore to kill the necromancer, and so he did. But there was something he didn't know. The seed of darkness that the necromancer had planted in him under the great battle, were now growing. Under the winter solstice, when the darkness is as strongest, he was completely turned into an undead creature, a lich. That night, almost everyone in Lore could here him shout: I AM EREBUS, THE GREATEST NECROMANCER OF ALL TIME! Antagonist of the story



jamesxman -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (9/5/2011 4:22:01)

I have a story here, or at least the first chapter of a story; Book

One thing I could swear I saw, but can't find now; is the content of all posts property of AE? Like, do our stories become their property? I'm not saying I'm so good I'd publish a book off the stuff I write here, but I'd just like to know.



Xirminator -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (9/29/2011 17:28:49)

I think they do actually become their property, although it would be a better idea to consult an AK, since I have not been here in a long time and the rules might have changed. However, I do not think they will exploit that, and you can choose to post small sections of your work, meaning they won't have it all. ;)

Anyway, some critique:

First and foremost, I like how you capture the atmosphere of the scene; the darkness, the silent efficiency of his captors, how he eventually ceases struggling. I think your starting sentence was a very smart one and I compliment you on choosing it. With a handful of words, you hinted at Draygin's job/purpose, identified him and told the readers he was in trouble, immediately putting the readers into the action, but not without a character they could identify with to some level.

There are a few sentences here and there that didn't seem right, so I'm pointing them out, if that's alright.

quote:

It could have been all night he had been dragged through the forest by the time they dropped him to the ground without warning.


I think you should have referred to him or the guards immediately at the beginning of the sentence. How about something like this:

He could have been dragged through the forest all night...

or

They could have dragged him through the forest all night, and by the time they dropped him suddenly to the ground, he had lost all awareness of time.

You are very descriptive, and that is a good thing, but take the opportunity to use all five senses to describe things. You use sight and sound quite often, and also rely on touch.

quote:

He fell on his back, noticing that he was in the middle of a clearing.


This is a good chance to include the sense of touch. What did he feel when he was dropped to the ground? If you want to go into more detail, you could say what he smelled or tasted as well. For example:

Stars flashed before his eyes as his chin smashed into something hard. Turning slowly, he felt a rough stone scrape against his cheek. There was blood on the tip of his tongue.

In the first paragraph, I notice that you took described what his captors' grips felt like, and in the last paragraph describe what he felt, so I'm sure you can handle this.

I'll pop around some other time and a have a look at any updates :)



Oddmanthefirst -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (9/29/2011 22:39:37)

Hi guys, I just wrote a short story for my AP Literature class. Just asking for a basic critique on plot, character development, and maybe the ending. The ending feels kind of rushed. Anyway, any comment would be well received.
Link



Xirminator -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (9/30/2011 7:48:44)

In terms of plot and character development, there is little to say. You seem to have the important characters and the plot in hand and know how to outline the characters' personalities.

However, I agree there's something that doesn't quite make the ending what it is supposed to be. There are two possible reasons for this.

Firstly, the story, as it is, is mysterious and even a little haunting (thanks to the ending), but the ending doesn't reach its full potential, in my opinion, because we know too little about Icarus. If we saw more of him, what he does and what he was, I think the ending, in addition to being haunting, would also be emotional. To achieve that, you can either tell us a bit more about Icarus or make him a character that the readers would like. So far, he seems to an irredeemable, arrogant boy, neatly trussed up for the fairy tale ending (not the happy sort of ending). If you give him at least one good point, the readers would feel a little bad for him. For example, he might apologize to the lady. Even a stuttered 'sorry' before rushing away would make his character a little more likable. That way, he can still fail to answer the question and deserve the bad ending, but at the same time make the readers feel a little sad for him.

The second reason is the sudden introduction of the shade. Up to that point, there was nothing to suggest that the story had a fantastical aspect to it. At first, I thought it was a classical Greek village (because of the title, "Icarus") enjoying a feast. When the old man began to tell his story, there was still no indication that it would suddenly turn to fantasy. You can either add a more fantasy elements to the story the old man is telling. This isn't difficult to do. For example, by describing Icarus's role to the readers (something the old man should do the audience) you can refer to objects, characters or use words that remind one of fantasy. Perhaps Icarus was a learned student of an alchemist or sorcerer or a favored disciple of a god?

quote:

The story I have is a story of a time long ago. A time when even your parents were not even thought to be born, and a time where mystical creatures ruled the forest and knowledge was scarce. A time, in which only a small boy knew that knowledge was power, and so he began a quest to seek for it.


This is where the old man begins. Here, you have an opportunity to foreshadow the ending. Something along the lines of "pride is the fall of man" or something. Or instead of pride, you could have the woman deliberately wanting to confusing Icarus with her beauty, making her a sort of villain, so that he would fail his task of answering questions. Perhaps the shade punishes him for that failure? A little motive/background for Icarus and the shade could help the ending flow more naturally with the rest of the story, so it won't be so unexpected.

Anyway, you did a pretty good job. I'm no expert, but I can't think of any other reason why the ending would feel rushed except the two above. You don't have to do anything I said and you can change anything you want in my suggestions, of course.



Oddmanthefirst -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (9/30/2011 16:13:27)

Well, it was all about symbolism (that is what our teacher wanted us to do).

The shade represented the devil. The devil offered the classic Faustian bargain, giving what Icarus what he wanted for his soul, which in this case is emotions (isn't that what having a soul is all about anyway). Ms. McIntosh represented an apple (red hair), being the enticing apple from the story of Adam and Eve. The apple led him to a path astray, which ended up to be his fall. Icarus represents the character from the Greek myth (you got this one), which just symbolized pride is the downfall of man. Also, I don't know if you caught this or not but... the old man is Icarus in the future. This can be seen in the reference to both characters having hazy eyes. The intro was to make the reader feel pity for the man because although he was an arrogant little boy, he grew up to be a knowledgeable and productive member of society. His humility had humbled his character.

I think I will replace the word Shade with something else because I was going for a very light fantasy-based mood (the old man did reference to mythical creatures being in the past, maybe I should make that more obvious). Thank you for taking the time to do this for me though. Is there anything I can do to make these symbols pop out more?



Xirminator -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (9/30/2011 18:28:46)

It occurred to me for a moment that the old man might be Icarus, but I dismissed the notion because he felt sorry for the little girl and told her the story.

I think you've captured the symbols well, but you could tweak the Faustian bargain a bit.

If I remember Faust properly, I think he was tricked, because the power he gained was empty and wasted on trivial things. The shade might promise him to be the greatest scholar/thinker or whatever Icarus was in the beginning (something which you could include if you wished, because a storyteller would introduce his setting a bit.) It would be more tragic (and tragedy is typical of Faustian deals) if the boy didn't actually agree to having his emotions removed. Like I said, the shade could propose the deal in a roundabout matter, without ever referring directly to the consequences, only implying them and coating his words with promises of greatness.

I suggest changing the shade to a beast from Greek myth, if you want to change it, because that would fit well with Icarus's name. I can't remember any Greek tricksters/devils at the moment, though.

Since you've explained what you intended to achieve, you can disregard many of the things in my first post, but I would still recommend that you expand the beginning of the second part of the story (basically the story old Icarus tells), to let us know more about young Icarus's situation (as in his role and a little more about himself), because that would set him up perfectly for the deal with the shade and give you a chance to make the reader like him a bit more.



Oddmanthefirst -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (9/30/2011 19:16:46)

Ok thank you. The teacher wanted us only to write up to 3 pages double spaced, so I didn't have the freedom than I would have liked. With the paper being done however, I will tweak this story to my heart's content. It was really fun writing this!

I will definitely expand on the situation young Icarus is in. I thought earlier that an introduction of another answer seeking man could do this, then follow up with the girl. The old man's compassion for the girl is a plot hole, I don't know how I can fix it though. I feel that any action is motivated by emotion. But something must be done.

I think I am going to change the shade into a serpent (a little cliche though). And I will adjust Icarus' reaction to the bargain with first distaste to the idea but, once hearing how powerful he will become, will accept it. Also, I will hint the consequences rather than directly pointing them out.

I don't know if this far-fetched but, I was wondering how redemption in this kind of story would play out. Maybe he tries to meet with the devil again, and pleas for his soul. He trades his eyes and brain in for his heart (figuratively of course). First asks for just a basic reversal and when the serpent says no, Icarus then adds in the eyes, noting that he had already been blind all this time. Devil finally concedes, and grants his wish. Devil thinks he is getting better end of bargain, but really Icarus is in his own mind.

Or maybe I should have Icarus live his past again, and leave the girl by saying that he does not know, and simply walks away. I don't know how this would happen though. Maybe I can have the Sun point toward the sea, where he goes on a boat which then crashes. Icarus then drowns in the sea, and wakes up to be Icarus in his younger form. This can be God baptizing him (oh snap!).

Or...I can just adjust what you told me to adjust and leave it at that.

Which plot idea do you like the most?



Xirminator -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (10/1/2011 18:28:53)

Well, if you wish to expand it beyond the word/page limit you had, I suggest you pick the story line which you like best or the one you will believe you will enjoy writing the most. After all, it is your story and you can always rewrite if you change your mind.

The serpent may be cliche, but it is perfect for what you want the shade to be. I think it is worth the cliche, since that cliche carries around a lot of symbolic baggage.

quote:

I will definitely expand on the situation young Icarus is in. I thought earlier that an introduction of another answer seeking man could do this, then follow up with the girl. The old man's compassion for the girl is a plot hole, I don't know how I can fix it though. I feel that any action is motivated by emotion. But something must be done.


You can imply he that he is required to answer. In the story, he replied by choice, which indicates some sort of emotion.

Telling stories or answering questions could be how he earns his living, hired as a storyteller or something. Instead of having him reply to the girl's disappointment, you could make him reply to her payment (which could be food, a drink or money.) I think a more robotic response would hint at his emotionless state without being a plot hole. It doesn't have to be exactly like this, I'm just tossing ideas around and hope you find one that will fit. :D



Argeus the Paladin -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (10/9/2011 7:48:25)

Alright, it's been a long time since I last crack my knuckles on a helpful critique. Let me see what I can do to help.

First off, let me state the parts in your work I found problems with and my suggestions for improvement. Keep in mind that my opinion is exactly just that - a subjective opinion that should be taken with a grain of salt. How you use my suggestions is up to you.

1) Formatting: I am of the opinion that the double-space formatting style makes it easier to read than the indented style you are adopting in this text. It makes the text easier to read, look more professional and gives a good impression to your audience. For the purpose of posting on the forum, I personally think that the double-spacing style is superior.

2) Chapter length: This is another subjective thing, but at the moment your "chapter one" is rather short. Normally, a novel's chapter should clock at around 3000 to 6000 words, give or take about ten percent. As it currently stands, your first chapter would likely fit into one or at most two A4 pages. If at any point you wish to seriously sell this work, this chapter length will appear somewhat unprofessional. I'd suggest that you join this with the chapter immediately after it to create a larger and more cohesive chapter.

3) Awkward word/phrases: These appear often in your excerpt. I would cite a few instances below, though keep in mind that these are by no means exhaustive:

quote:

Being dragged away from the encampment, still groggy, an arm under each of his


This is not a sentence, just an adverbial phrase. Secondly, while I understand that you hare having the main character's captors seizing him underarm and dragging him along, but there is something... wrong with the sentence. My first read gave me the admittedly hilarious mental image of two bloody, severed arms being pressed against his torso underneath his arm.

quote:

Unfortunately, his captors’ hairy grips were as iron wet with the blood of Draygin’s fellow guards.


The 'as' is redundant here, I think.

quote:

leaving nothing but the sounds of his captors’ grunts and the sound of the leaves crumpling under their feet.


There is no need to repeat 'the sound of' twice when once is sufficient, no?

quote:

Pushing his body to its mortal limits, he clung to awareness just long enough to see darkness encircle the fading vestige of the moon above.


Ahem. [:D]

Joking aside, I think that the use of 'fading' here is redundant, since 'vestige' already implies a fading sensation with it.

4) Obviousness: I've noticed that at certain point, you tend to show/tell things that are best left implied.

quote:

As his mouth was gagged, he was incapable of calling for help. That being the case, he resorted to kicking his legs and squirming as violently as his current state would allow.


The first sentence was drawing a whole, complete picture of what was happening to the main character and why. This, may I say quite frankly, kills the suspense and drama dead in the same way Shirou Emiya's "People die when they are killed" quote in FSN does: The readers are being told what is very well implied. You can, in this particular case, just say "His mouth were gagged solid" and the reader would know that he can't possibly say anything aloud, now could he?

This happens multiple times in your work. That is something to be avoided.

5) Adjective overabundance and the overdramatic feel that brings: This is the main issue I have with your work thus far, and is the single most griping issue that, in my opinion, greatly hinders the strength of your work as Xirm described above. You use too much adjective, too often. While you were probably going for a dramatic, suspenseful opening, the paragraph itself feels, at certain points, excessively purple. Let's cite an example:

quote:

Under the curtain of this overbearing darkness, time passed unintelligibly; one did not know if an hour or five minutes had passed. It could have been all night he had been dragged through the forest by the time they dropped him to the ground without warning. He fell on his back, noticing that he was in the middle of a clearing. The leafless trees parted above and showed him the full moon. He lay there, too tired, or perhaps just without motivation, to move. He took this time to look at the moon, noting how beautiful it seemed. After uttering a short prayer to the champion of his forefathers, he mustered the power he didn’t know he had and rose to his feet, staggering. His captors had shrunk away into the trees. The light of the moon shone throughout the clearing, the sound of the swaying trees now offering the only comfort from the deadly silence.


Bolded are the adjective that, in my opinion, makes little sense and are just there to add to the atmosphere, which, I may add, they hadn't done well.

My suggestion here is to either reduce the adjective count or to use less 'dramatic' adjective. A rule of thumb is, if you can use one noun in the place of one adjective-noun compound, use the former.

All in all, you have the solid "basis" of a story, which is just that - a core to be worked upon and improved. I wish you luck in editing and better flesh out your work.



Mistermafio -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (10/31/2011 10:05:55)

Here you go, The Little Field

Since I am originally a poet, and have never been very good at story structure or even basic grammar. I still fear making the most basic of mistakes. (then / than, were / where, those kind of things.) So while I feel I have improved quite a bit since the last disaster I posted on this forum, I would still love your help spotting the grammatical, and story errors I most surely have made.

Apart from that, I would also like to know what you guys think to be a wise course of action regarding my chapters. For at the moment, I fear them to be a little too short to be called proper chapters. Yet padding them out doesn't seem wise, and merging them has a few logistical problems too.

If there is anything else to say, of course, I would love to hear that too. Thanks in advance. :)



Zaphira -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (11/3/2011 20:56:54)

Here's the link to my story

It's about a group of friends--Blair, a serious goth; Robyn, a friendly priss; Zuri, a kind wizard; and Jacob, a..spy?--who go to their friend Adira's halloween party but are soon trapped. One action leads to another as their humorous, action-packed story unfolds.

I'm trying to get out at least one part a night, or at least two on weekends.

Thanks! Critique as you wish.

-Zaphira



Baker -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (11/16/2011 4:51:01)

Hi! I don't have a huge amount of free time left tonight, but I thought poking around here for a bit might be a nice little study break. I read the first couple chapters so far; hopefully I'll have time tomorrow or Thursday to come back and critique a little more (I'm by no means "reserving" this, though -- if anyone else wants to comment please jump in!). Since the chapters are short, I'll just quote them directly here so it's easy to see what I'm talking about.

quote:

PROLOGUE
It was all black, a starless expanse of sky as dark as tar stretching as far as the eye could see. No stars twinkled, no moon shone. Buildings stood like the aftershadows of dawn, lurking in the darkness.

Blair slipped on her sleek black nylon gloves over her tan arms and pulled her bare feet into big black combat boots. She was being an "emo rocker". She had a short purple skirt, black-and-white striped leggings, a black belt with a skull for the buckle, a purple cropped jacket over a black-and-white striped shirt, and a swatch of dark eye shadow.

Halloween night was gonna be FUN.
Your description here is very nice. The scene set up sounds very scary and serious, which is then balanced out by it being Halloween -- but then again maybe this is a sinister Halloween? We'll see! One thing I might suggest is changing the word "it" to something more specific. Maybe something like "The sky was all black, an empty, starless expanse as dark as tar..." etc? Just a little tighter I think. You might also consider making "buildings" more specific? You could change to "the houses of the neighborhood" or something. That would just ground us in the setting a little more; as it is, there could be skyscrapers all around for all we know.

quote:

CHAPTER ONE: CRIMSON BLOOD

Blair slammed the door, stalking out into the night. An emanating sound could be heard; a soft one, of clanking metal, evidently caused by the chains on her big black combat boots.
Second sentence here could be worked on, I think. It's a bit awkward to make "emanate" into an adjective and then use a passive verb. I also might switch the sound a bit: if Blair is slamming the door and "stalking" into the night, shouldn't she be moving quickly? Perhaps "The chains on her combat boots clanked loudly as she set out from the house." Or something.

quote:

It was pitch black, with fog running down the streets and expanding through the sky. Blair ambled ("marched" maybe? Isn't she hurrying?) through the neighborhood, stopping every so often at a rumbling car or an oblivious biker.

She jogged to meet up with her friends: Robyn, a pretty robin bird for the tenth year in a row(? -- it's unclear); Zuri, a wizard, (as she actually is); and Jacob, a morbid zombie. Chatting as they went, they proceeded towards Adira's house, where supposedly they would meet her for her Halloween party.


The doorbell sang out for the thousandth time as Blair and her friends shuffled anxiously on Adira's front porch. Finally the door swung open, revealing... no one. Nothing was wrong with the scene before them--at first glance.

But crimson blood spattered the cream-painted walls. A plain white sheet sprawled the floor, red with blood. Upon further speculation, they saw that someone must've made a ghost costume by cutting three holes out of a white sheet. Jacob bravely lifted it and shook it, but there was nothing inside.
Hehe, gotta say that I think those are things you would notice at first glance! I also might change the word "speculation" to "observation." Few little grammatical changes above involving semicolons and commas in your list. It's kind of a complex structure, but not too hard to remember once you've done it a few times.

quote:

Stepping into the house, the door swung shut behind them, and a familiar click could be heard as it locked. They exchanged nervous, wide-eyed glances at each other.
Little grammatical note about the beginning of this sentence, I edited a similar issue in the sentence that talks about the fog: be a little careful with the clauses that you're using. You need to be sure that the clause surrounded by commas relates directly to the phrase that comes before it. If that's not the case, the sentence can sound funny. So here, for example, you should say something like, "As they stepped into the house, the door swung shut..." Hopefully that makes sense... if not, I can try to explain some more. It's an easy mistake to make, I do it too.

quote:

Adira pranced into the room, dressed as a pretty sorcerer, in blue starry robes and a pointy hat.

"Welcome to my house," Adira greeted warmly.

Blair, Robyn, Zuri, and Jacob all untensedrelaxed their shoulders and waved.

"A morbid (can you think of a new word to use? zombie, a realistic wizard, a robin--for the tenth time--and an emo rocker." Adira remarked ("with approval?" maybe -- just to show her feelings). "Nice costumes."

Zuri smiled shyly and Jacob adopted a proud grin. Robyn called upon her usual cheerful expression while Blair kept her normal straight face.

Adira continued grinning excitedly for several minutes, causing the other teens to start glancing around awkwardly as if she were staring at something else. All the while, Adira had been secretly sneaking something mysterious from her pocket...

BAM!

Blood clouded Blair's vision as she crumpled to the floor, unconcious.
Whoa, not expected at the end there! Things seemed a little suspicious when they entered but you dispelled that pretty well so I wasn't looking for the attack. Maybe Adira should even comment on the bloody hallway and claim it was some kind of ploy to scare them or something. Only little thing I would look at is the end of the "Adira continued grinning" sentence. I know what you're trying to say, but it's not the most explicit sentence. Maybe "the other teens to glance around to see where she was staring"?

All in all, good start! Definitely a good way to hook your reader. Like I said, I'll try to come back and comment some more (once I comment on mistermafio's... feel bad about doing yours first since it's newer but I saw this first! D:), but if I can't hopefully my suggestions are useful here and in your future writing. Best of luck!



Zaphira -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (11/19/2011 13:21:04)

I have a little bit of time to read a few chapters and begin critiquing.

quote:

Horse was brown and white and had long manes (not plural) that weren't ever flowing in the breeze. (no period) Because they were too sticky, and untamed. The man who had tamed them had given up long ago, for he was a human, and he too was old.


A horse has one mane; the hair the runs along the back of their next and top of their head. It should read something like this: "Horse was brown and white and had a long mane that wasn't even flowing in the breeze because...etc." You can't really tame a mane if it isn't blowing in the wind, so it could be something along the lines of: "..because it was too sticky and matted. The man who took care of Horse had given up long ago brushing it, for he was a human, and he was too old." Also, be sure to add some more description when describing Horse. Maybe say "Horse was a beautiful chestnut brown and pure, snowy white and had...etc." Just some ideas. Overall, very good!

quote:

This one seemed different though, it was fatter, and a bit bigger, and it moved with the stiffness and dignity of something that had already lived most of it's life. It moved the same way Horse had started moving not very long ago.

“Hello,” said Horse “I'm Horse. Pleased to meet you.” The gray thing looked up at him, almost shocked, as if it hadn't seen Horse until Horse spoke. Then sighed in relief and said; “hello, I'm Goose. The pleasure is all mine.” From behind Horse hundreds of voices laughed, or buzzed, and said mockingly: “Hello, we are flies, we have absolutely no creativity either.”


I kindly suggest making making a space between something talking. Also, just a comma before the quotation marks is fine; colons and semicolons make it a little more choppy. Also, don't use "said" so much. So try this:

"Hello," greeted Horse. "I'm Horse. Pleased to meet you." etc...

......and replied, "Hello, I'm Goose. The pleasure is all mine." etc...

......and mocked, "Hello, we are flies..." etc.

I have my pet peeves. But overall, the second chapter was great. Keep it up!

quote:

After sharing these first words, an almost unnatural silence had fallen over the little field. The sort of silence only found in conversations nobody wanted to have. The kind of conversation in which both parties frantically searched for topics to talk about, yet found nothing more interesting then (than?) whether or not the weather outside was nice.


So yeah. Great work! Keep it up! I gotta go; I'll read more later!



Zaphira -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (11/22/2011 14:58:14)



Ruined is a story about secrets unhidden, destinies unfolded, as two normal teenagers--Dakota White and Jordan Young--and their regular little brothers, Eric White and Nick Young, must journey as directed by a wise, blind man. In their humorous and action-packed adventure they discover the ugly truth....

(scroll down for the truth)







































NOTHING. :O You must read to find out :)



Critique away! Book 2 of the Unhidden series coming soon.



Zaphira -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (11/22/2011 15:05:32)

I'm not the best at grammar (I'm young) and I see my mistake in that "emanating" sentence; I didn't even know what I was trying to do or how to make it work. I've edited most of the other errors. Thanks, and I hope you can read the rest!

If you want, go ahead and read the first book of my new series: Ruined. I've got a discussion thread on this board a few posts up. (Or down, depending on the order of posts ;P)

Thx again!

-Zaphira



lordkaho -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (11/29/2011 20:59:47)

Greetings, everyone.

I have finally done 15 chapters of my L&L work "Hounds of God". This is only part 1, so before I try to work on Part 2, I wish to really polish this one up.

My work can be read here:

http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=19634277&mpage

My writing skills are still kinda rusty, so if you please , I'd be really honored for you guys to dissect this and point out every error that goes against the great big book of "Literature 101".

Discussion regarding the story itself goes to the Work Discussion thread though.



Helixi -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (11/30/2011 5:24:17)

Holy crap, fifteen chapters. o.o

I can get started on this when I finish with Varen's story. However, I just want to clarify one thing. In your PM, you asked me not to focus on anything, just give you a general overview. Does that still apply here?

See main thread.



lordkaho -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (11/30/2011 5:51:36)

Nope it doesn't. Here, you're free to attack me with everything you've got. As long as we can make my work more readable. The overview will have to go in the main discussion thread. As you can see over there, I have already stumbled into major issues pertaining to character consistency and development.



Shreder -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (11/30/2011 7:17:37)

Hey!

I read through the two chapters you posted, and a few things stood out to me, so I thought I'd share them with you.

Firstly, while description is a vital part of good storytelling and you do a pretty good job of it, there's a fine line between writing descriptively and info-dumping, especially at the very beginning of a story. That's why I feel it's often beneficial to give only the most important details directly at the beginning, and space the rest out over time, trying to incorporate them in more creative ways than just straight up telling them to the reader. Let's take your first paragraph as an example:

quote:

I lay stretched out on a limb of the old cherry tree in our backyard, my silky black hair fluttering in the cool night breeze. It was a perfect night; the golden stars twinkled, the moon shone, and the cool breeze swept through, rustling the emerald green foliage that covered the top of the cherry tree. My muddy, scarred, bare feet were intwined with the slender branches. I peered through the chestnut brown branches, scouring for some ripe cherries. Picking one carefully, I popped it in my mouth and savored the sensation as the delicious fruit crunched beneath my pure white teeth and slipped down my throat, leaving only the stem. Tying a knot in it with my tongue and spitting it at the ground, I continued to enjoy my alone time. I'll... just... go.. to..sleeeepp...


To begin with, you use the phrase "the cool breeze" twice in as many sentences, which strikes me as a bit repetitive. Perhaps change the second one to "the restless wind", or something of the sort.

Next, you've already said that the tree in question is a cherry tree in your first sentence, do you really need to repeat that in the very next one as well? Or better yet, just take out the whole "that covered the top of the cherry tree" phrase, ending the sentence at "emerald green foliage."

In the third sentence the three adjectives all directly in front of "feet" is a bit much. Consider rearranging the sentence so they're not all grouped together. Something like: "My bare feet, muddy and scarred, entwined (note that it's spelled entwined, not intwined) with the slender branches.

On the topic of branches, that's another word you use multiple times rather close together. Maybe cut the second one and change the sentence to something like: "I peered around, scouring for ripe cherries." (Notice that I also removed the "some", which seems awkward to me...)

Do you see a pattern to what I'm saying? With description, the important thing are to provide it, but do so in creative and sometimes roundabout ways to prevents it from becoming dull and overloading. Try to vary the descriptive words you use, especially close together, and in general seek balance.

Secondly, I noticed a couple places where you wrote multiple short, choppy sentences, and I feel you'd be better off combining them. Like here:

quote:

But the strangest thing about him were his eyes. They were a pure white. A large, black pupil pulsed inside them.


Compare that to something like: "But the strangest thing about him were his eyes, orbs of pure white with pulsing black pupils at the center." Doesn't the longer, combined sentence seem smoother? In truth, that's what's most important when constructing sentences--not whether they're long or short, simple or convoluted, but whether or not they flow smoothly. It's a tricky thing to get down, and the best way to improve is to keep practicing.

Anyways, I'll leave you with that for now. Keep in mind you can follow or ignore any of my advice as it suits you, but I hope I've given you some things to think about as you continue writing.



Zaphira -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (12/2/2011 19:07:19)

I see what you're saying. I wrote that first paragraph when I was younger for something, and revised it a little now but I didn't take time to really look through it. I see what you're pointing out and I've noticed a lot of that too but I really didn't know how to make it work. Thanks :)



MiraG3 -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (12/22/2011 19:02:53)

Summary:

The mortal mind is a fragile thing. Its decisions
weigh in the balance of life and death at all times.
Encumbered with thoughts of tragedy and pain, it
seeks exalted means of comfort; a way to have
hope in a new life, that the good will be rewarded
and the bad will be punished.

Kalen, Eronen, and Darius are different. The worlds
around them are corrupted and crumbling. As
unlikely allies, they find themselves on a god-given
quest to change a universe that has slipped into
the past.

An ancient evil rises. Order must be restored, or
else Destruction will reign.

Links:

- Story
- C&C

Thank you!



margus20000 -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (1/14/2012 8:58:32)

Can someone check it and make critique about it...
...I have probably a lot word order and other similar mistakes there...
http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=19990892

I have now only prologue and I part finished...



Master Merlin -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (1/15/2012 23:41:10)

"A golden sunset and a swift dawn, at the world's ending!"

This is my first major short story, totaling up to about 50 pages in print. The idea for it has been an old one, ever since I was a child I held a deep sympathy for Loki's character in the Norse Myths and was boggled as to why he suddenly turned evil and was held under such harsh treatment by the Gods. With no other character or mythology have I ever felt such a deep sense of understanding and appreciation, and I spent years figuring out how to make a worthy tribute to him. As the years past, I discovered a great deal about the history of the Icelandic translations and how they were Christianized in the process of being preserved into the cultural background of the Northern European people. While I mean no disrespect to the spirit and intent of these works, I decided that the original Loki was probably a great deal more likable and the original Aesir a little less cruel and judgemental, and so set about making my version of this epic tale. In the process I was forced to vilify another Norse God, Heimdall, but sacrifices have to be made, and he was obviously the best man (or Aesir) for the job, having had a long standing rivalry with Loki and eventually killing him at Ragnarok. Plus he had golden teeth, partook in outrageous boasts, and was quite the womanizer, so he kind of deserves what he gets. [:D]

I would greatly appreciate any feedback or criticism to help me improve and perfect this work into a masterpiece. Please, by any means contribute anything that you can, every single comment or advice helps me to improve my story and I will greatly appreciate it in turn. Considering the length, you may choose to critique one or two parts if you so desire. If you notice any loose ends, refer to the spoiler in the Discussion Thread, and remember that there is a short epilogue to this in the works that will resolve several key issues. Thanks!



margus20000 -> RE: [collaboration] The Guardians (1/22/2012 8:43:25)

Can someone help me then....



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