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Cataclysm -> RE: To Death We Part. (DF) Discussion (8/29/2011 14:44:19)
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I feel like this has a lot of potential. The opening is something I've seen done similarly, but I get the feeling you're not exactly the type to go for overused ideas.
I've noticed a few typos (such as "scythe" being spelled "scyth"), and if you'd like, I could point out all the ones I've noticed either here or in PM, whichever is more convienent for you.
There's also a few issues here and there that strike me as jarring, breaking the flow of the story (one example is "The skeleton laughed. Well, he would have, but his jaw just dropped and laughter came out.") I can try to help here, if you'd like, too.
A couple things also struck me as confusing, making me re-read the lines a few times. Unless you're intending to make the reader think very hard, possibly by proposing a conundrum, by making a character above genius level, or something similar, this shouldn't be the case.
One thing I appreciate is your descriptions. Despite the initial setting being essentially "nothingness," you still described that nothingness well. Instead of telling people what things look like, you give enough description to show the reader, which is something a lot of people struggle with. Good job on that one.
Another good thing is the dialogue. Instead of trying to make it sound formal, it actually sounds like something people would say. Believe it or not, a lot of people actually have trouble with this. They do things like having the characters say "I am" instead of "I'm," or "do not" instead of "don't" (though do not has its applications). Belivable dialogue is very important to a story.
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