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Xirminator -> RE: [Critique Requested] A Guardian Tale (10/1/2011 19:04:40)
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Alright, since you said you become business-like when you're writing, I shall try to be as frank as possible.
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now my main concern with this is i did not put enough detail in the Grace and Jordon characters as i should of, i mean the Arthur character takes up twice as much as they do. but since Arthur is the main character i thought he should recieve more time on paper(or screen...whatever). Another concern is if i should talk about the main villain a little as it is basically talking about the main characters but i am just not sure.
In the prologue, the three characters appeared to be equally important, since you introduce them with each other. Since you have only a prologue and one chapter so far, Arthur is not ahead of the others by far.
The first recommendation I will make is one based on my personal preference. There are many people who introduce characters like you did, immediately giving their background and telling us about. While this method works, I like introducing them gradually, so that I can show more of their personality. You showed the differences in their personalities rather clearly and explained them in the prologue, it is possible to show these things (and even write about their background) indirectly, through conversation, for example. By introducing everything gradually, you can also get right into the action immediately.
Let's take Arthur's introduction, for example.
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Last but not least, the leader known as Arthur whose tale is sad and unfortunate but not without a happy ending. Arthur was born in a small village whose name is lost to history now. Arthur lived with his father, a guard and best swordsman in town, and his mother, typical housewife which her only desire was her son to be happy. Arthur, even though eight at the time, learned some skills of the blade from his father.(His father was not by all accounts the best, but enough to handle a bandit or so.) As Arthur was out in the woods one night his hometown was raided by bandits who knew only death and loot. His father was the first to fall and surely not the last. As Arthur returned all that waited for him was a town of ashes and death, it was that day that a piece of Arthur died as he no longer trusted anyone and stayed out of the sight of humanity. He buried his parents, what remains he could find, and took only his fathers sword and the lessons that he took to heart. About fourteen years pass before Arthur enters the gaurdian ranks and during that time Arthur began learning the monsters way of living. Becoming more and more bestial like he learned valuable skills from monsters that kept him alive, not only that he also learned a few unique sword skills from fighting the surrounding animal populace. Even though he was seperated from the outside world he did retain shreds of his humanity as he never forgot the lessons his father had taught him.
This is a very direct introduction, narrated by the author (you.)
A gradual introduction would come from the story, still told by the author, but indirectly. Imagine if you had started the story from the perspective of one of the Guardians (perhaps the leader of the group or something), who is describing the man they are searching for and what they suspect or know about him, and why they think he needs to be captured/recruited. You would have a scene where there is action, the reader would be curious about the man they are speaking about and a tense showdown when they finally find him. That way, you would have still introduced him, but taken advantage of the introduction to deliver a scene with something happening in it, rather than pausing to introduce a character.
This could also work for Grace and Jordan. For example, I have a feeling they are going to see each other a lot in the Tower, and while they did not get off to a good start together, they will eventually start getting to know each other, and thus they will also be introduced to the reader.
Anyway, this is how I like doing things. If you don't like it, don't change anything, but at least tell me what you think.
My second recommendation involves this (and other conversations in the next chapter):
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Guardian: "Sir? what is your name?"
Arthur, hearing the guardian question, remained motionless
Guardians step closer: "Sir? i ask you again, what is your name." Feeling more and more nervous
Arthur remains motionless
One of the guardians put his hand on his shoulder: "Si--" Arthur grabbed the mans forearm and threw him upon the ground and, while the guardian was disoriented, jabbed him in the throat. Not to kill him but incompasitate him. Arthur then drew his fathers sword, now rusted and broken at the tip (do to the exposure of the elements), and slashed at the other guardian who was struggling to draw his. Arthur missed the guardians throat by mere inches and the guardian, now thinking "I aint paid enough for this!", now had his sword drawn and swung forward, only to meet air as arthur dodged to the left and uppercut him with his right free arm. this was enough to daze the guardian and give Arthur the chance to flee.
"Forgive me for harming you, as i do not know you." said Arthur as he ran into the forest.
As Arthur runs through the forest, hair somewhat blocking his vision(rusted swords cant cut through anything...), dodging branches both infront and falling. This forest he knew like the back of his hand and he knew what was ahead. He came into an opening and it was there he decided to stop to catch his breath. as he slunch down beside a tree he tossed his sword to the side and began to recollect himself, but then he heard something.
That particular format (having the name/title of the character before what they say) is more suited to a play. In prose, you can indicate who is speaking mid-question, for example, and take advantage of that in order to describe the tone or things like that. An example with the first line:
"Sir?" the Guardian called out. "What is your name?"
The bit in the middle can be modified any way you want, to show what the Guardian is feeling or how he is speaking. Several examples:
"Sir?" the Guardian called, a little uncertainly. "What is your name?"
"Sir?" the Guardian said, taking a step forward. "What is your name?"
"What is your name, sir?" the Guardian said, hand on the pommel of his sword.
The first implies nervousness or confusion (it isn't my best one), the second confidence, the third wariness or a threat (depending on the perspective).
You don't have to say who is speaking immediately. You could leave it to the end, or in the middle to put action in the middle of a sentence or emotion or tone. Anyway, that's just my two cents.
Have fun writing!
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