[Critique Requested] Tales of the Abyss (Full Version)

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Smalls -> [Critique Requested] Tales of the Abyss (10/1/2011 22:34:11)

Hey hey hey everyone. This is my thread for my world of Abyss. I'd love some C/C on it to help me improve, I'm not the best writer in the world so I'd love help.
The link to my stories
As I mentioned in there, it's a lot of short stories of the backstories for my characters. When NaNo rolls around I may start posting my real story in there that blends all of my characters together.
Just a little story about this, I've been playing with the idea of Abyss for several months now, ever since January 2011. I originally was going to make it a webcomic but I was too lazy thus it became this story.

I hope you enjoy this! I know I enjoy writing it and coming up with things for my characters.




Argeus the Paladin -> RE: [Critique Requested] Tales of the Abyss (10/10/2011 10:05:11)

Hello again Smalls - long time no see. I'm just recently back after my admittedly long hiatus and decided to drop in to lend my hand to the community. You're next [:)]

Anyway, back to the issue at hand. First thing first: I like this story as far as technicalities go. Your writing quality is good, as is the general pacing of your piece. As it currently stands, this is a very solid short story for the purpose of a love tragedy. However, reading deeper into the story reveals particular problems.

1) Clichedness: The worst problem with this story is that it hits almost every trope in the book about love martyrs who attempt the extreme to save their nearest and dearest only for it to backfire spectacularly and turn him/her into a monster. Now, as I am aware that this is supposed to be the backstory of a character in a greater universe, this clichedness is not necessarily a bad thing, since you can always spin your own take on the old mold in the complete story proper. But if I am to rate this story on its own merit, the lack of originality is this short story's worst flaw.

2) Possible inconsistencies: Maybe it is just me nitpicking, but the last words of the wife does not match the personality I think you are going for. She is, if I read correctly, a loving, understanding and selfless wife who would rather die than see her loved one suffer. This personality trait runs afoul of her last words requesting her husband to never love any other woman, something I found uncharacteristically selfish. I know this is pretty far from the context, but people in general who truly love their significant other and are described as such would not want them to be unhappy after they die. If that would mean they'd find another significant other, remarry and be happy, so be it. I know those last words are kinda sorta necessary for the punchline, but you see my point.

3) Of evil Incubi, lack of emotion and homosexuality: This is possibly the slightest of issues, but the last sentence might have potentially unfortunate implications exactly as the title of this bullet point. It might be slightly risky to depict a more or less antagonistic character as having homosexual overtones, in my humble opinion.

All in all, a good read. I would suggest that, to make the most of it, you should flesh out this incubus character further when it comes to writing your main story proper. He has potentials to be unique if you put your own twist on him.

Good luck, and battle on!

P.S. Looking at the title of the story, I think this link is in short order [:D]




Smalls -> RE: [Critique Requested] Tales of the Abyss (11/27/2011 15:03:49)

^Thanks for that <3
Yeah I've had some people pick out the inconsistencies and stuff before, if I ever go back on this and rewrite it, I'll probably fix those things up.
As I've been writing my story (can't post it on the AEF >_< Too many swears and stuff) I've changed his personality a bit and made him less apathetic, because I realized I couldn't go for much of a character like that.




Helixi -> RE: [Critique Requested] Tales of the Abyss (12/30/2011 13:44:26)

So you know the format of my critiques:

Title of chapter/post

quote:

Quote from the story/poem here. Mistakes will be in bold and numbered.


List of criticisms underneath.
1. Crit here.
2. Crit here.
etc.




quote:

It’s easy to wonder how a single choice can affect your life. How making a choice to save a life can ruin another. Fraternizing with demons was something I was told not to do from the day I was born to the day of my 1. choice. My choice to disobey what I was told to do ever since I was born, and I paid for it. 2. But everything would one day be broken. However, that was not why I paid a visit to the demon and sealed my fate. The reason was simple 3. , love.

The morning was bright, the sun casting a warm glow over my fields. It looked to be a good day, one that would hopefully help my wife, Kieta. 4. “Kieta, dear, the day looks wonderful. Maybe it can help you get over this.” I caressed her face tenderly 5. , we had wed six years earlier, when I was twenty-eight years of age. However, several months earlier, Kieta had contracted a disease, one that had made her skin pale and her eyelids heavy.

“Onozu, I do not think that could help me now. I fear my days are numbered and that even this day may be my last,” she whispered hoarsely, the illness taking away her voice. “We’ve tried everything, I just hope the child will make it through this.” Yes, our child. After years of argument we had finally decided to have a child, one that depended on Kieta’s survival.

I choked back tears, their bitterness stinging my eyes; I could not 6. bare to see her die 7., even though the disease had stripped away her beauty, she was the woman I loved. “There’s one thing we haven’t tried. I know we’re not supposed to consult with him, but I fear it may be your only choice.” I would do anything for her. They could take away my honor, and they could take away my land, but I’d die before they would take away my Kieta, 8. my one love.

“No, you can’t do that.” 9. Kieta pleaded, “Nobody has ever come back from him. Those who come back are empty shells. Nothing remained of who they used to be.” 9. She said, and gripped my hand as tightly as she could.

1. The sentence that begins 'My choice to disobey' isn't actually a sentence. If you put 'It was' before 'my', it will cease being a subordinate clause.
2. This doesn't make sense; I think it needs a bit of a tweak.
3. This should be a semi-colon, I think. A comma doesn't give it enough emphasis, in my opinion.
4. This should be a new line as it's speech.
5. This should be a dash or semi-colon as 'I caressed her face tenderly' and 'we had wed six years earlier, when I was twenty-eight years of age' are both sentences.
6. 'bear'.
7. This should be a semi-colon/dash/connective/period.
8. Is this a bit much? I think the paragraph would be better without.
9. You have already said 'she pleaded', so 'she said' is not necessary.


quote:

“If you died, I would have nothing to live for, my love.” I let the tears flow freely now, sobs puncturing my words. “I would give anything just for you to live another day, to see you healthy once more.” The light caught on her dull hair, a mockery of its former self. Before it would have 1. shown like gold, her hair a 2. wheaten blonde. Now it looked lifeless.

My mind was set3. , I would see him. I would defy everything I had been told for my entire life. Defy everything for 4. my love. That set within my mind, I ran like my life depended on it, the morning air cool 5. within my lungs. I used the chill like a boost, my shoulder-length dark aqua hair trailing behind me. I 6. ran past the waking town, store owners opening up shop, the murmur of the people beginning to wake from their slumbers. I ignored it as I ran on, the iciness of the air beginning to sting my lungs as I ran farther than I had before. My legs burned like a fire was spreading 7. throughout them. Biting my tongue, I ran on, ignoring the pain until I finally arrived at my 8. destination. A small wooden house.

I hesitated before opening the door. If I were to open this, I would disobey what I had been told ever since I was young. To fraternize with demons was to ruin your life. Gulping, I opened the door, a choice that would change my life. The inside was less terrifying than I imagined it to be; there were no human skins on the wall, there were no chairs made out of bones, there were only animal pelts and a wooden table with one chair. I exhaled slowly in relief before hearing a raspy voice.

“What is it? Children come to see if the demon was real? Get out, I do not want you here,” the voice growled. My composure began to falter.

“I-I’ve come to ask you one thing. To save my wife. I’d do anything for that, I just want you to save her,” I said as I trembled. The air was thick with my fear. I felt like I would not make it out of there alive. Maybe Kieta was right, maybe it wasn’t wise to go here. Maybe I should have just tried one of the many other things we had attempted before.

1. 'Shone'.
2. Wheat is a very dull colour, almost beige at times. Perhaps 'honey blonde' would be a better description.
3. This should be a semi-colon/dash/period.
4. This phrase is wearing a little thin. I'd suggest simply using 'her', in this instance.
5. Air is body temperature by the time it reaches the lungs, usually.
6. I think this needs rewording.
7. 'through'.
8. 'A small wooden house' is not a main clause, which means it's not a sentence by itself. Adding 'It was' or something similar will make it a main clause.


quote:

“You would do anything, hmm? Even become an incubus like me? As you see, I am old and weak. Death comes slowly for demons, but is there nonetheless. As an incubus I cannot breed. I can only make others who are already alive become an incubus. Perhaps you could become my heir.” The demon walked into my line of sight, I stifled a gasp. His handsome face was lined with scars and wrinkles, a testament to his age. However, 1. you could tell that he had once been extremely handsome; the wide jawline and proud nose proof of that.

The demon had to be joking. There was no way he’d make me an incubus. “I would. I’d do anything to save her.” I shut my hazel eyes, hoping that I hadn’t just said the wrong thing.

“Good,” the demon rasped, his red eyes glimmering with sadistic pleasure. Seems I had said the wrong thing. “Then I’ll change you right away, but do note that your feelings to mundane things may change when you are no longer a mortal. Your priorities may be - how do you put this - different.”

“Just save 2. my love. I don’t care about my life. I’d throw it away for her.” I pleaded, nearly falling to one knee. “Just let me save her.” I whispered, barely audible.

Suddenly I felt his rough hands pull me up by the neck. I struggled and screamed, “What the hell are you doing?” I tried to lash out but 3. , his other hand stopped me.

1. 'I'.
2. Again with this phrase! It's worn very thin by now. I'd suggest replacing it with 'my wife'.
3. This comma is not needed.


quote:

“None of that, do you want to save her or what? I promise you I’m not going to do whatever silly notion you have of what demons do to you. I’m simply going to rip out your heart and change you. It was done to me several eons ago. Now sit still or I will knock you out by a blow to the head, rather uncomfortable if you ask me.” He stated as plainly as if he were discussing the day’s weather or the crop harvest. However, his mouth was so uncomfortably close to my ear that I could feel his hot breath wash across the side of my face, hotter than any human’s. It was as if he was testifying he was not human.

I gave up. It was no use arguing with the demon. He set me down on the wooden table, clamping my neck, arms, and legs down. If I wanted to leave it, would have been anytime before then. The choice’s consequences began to dawn on me and I realized that I would not leave a this place human 1. : I would leave a monster. I lost consciousness when the demon draped a cloth over me, saturated with a mixture designed to knock me out.

I woke up days later, my chest burning. Looking down, I saw that I had a fresh scar over my chest. A slightly crazed laughed escaped my lips. I felt truly alive, as if the world before had been shrouded with a haze before I had entered here. A smell of rotting reached my nose. Sitting up I looked towards the source of the smell and noticed the older demon was dead. I felt nothing for my creator. Thinking only of Kieta I ran back to where my home was, where my wife laid dying.

I heard the gasps of people and the closing of doors as I ran back the way I came, my legs no longer burning. The air no longer giving a chill to my lungs. When I reached my home, I saw my wife still laying in bed, still breathing but only slightly. I needed to do something right then.

When I reached her, she looked at me and exclaimed “Onozu, your eyes are red. What happened? What did you do to save me? You know its no use, right? I am dying, these breaths may be my last. Promise me one thing: never love another woman. I love you, Onozu.” Smiling, she passed on to another realm. Leaving me all alone.

Surprisingly, I felt no sadness. I felt nothing at all 2. , I was an emotionless demon. I would honor her last request, I would love no other woman. I would only love men. I would welcome them into the abyss of my realm of insanity.

1. This should be a semicolon or a dash.
2. This should be a dash/period/connective/semicolon.




Overview.
This is a great short story, Smalls. You don't have any major story issues.

Spelling. Good. You've only got a few homophones wrong.

Grammar/Punctuation. You've got some comma/semi-colon mix-ups, but they're easy to fix.

Description. It could benefit from some more description, but equally that might spoil it.

Plot Development.Not applicable, as this is a short story.

Character Development.Also not applicable.




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