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G.I.G.A. -> RE: (DF) "The Guardian tale" ~Discussion and feedback (10/11/2011 19:52:54)
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Well, I'd love to write you up a nice critique, but your sig no longer links to your story =/
Edit: Derp, found it by browsing through L&L. I'll be editing my post later tonight, then.
Alright, First, I'll start with some spelling/grammar/punctuation mistakes.
quote:
Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Thought Jordon as he sat...
Although this isn't too big of a deal, thoughts should be in 'single quotes,' italics, 'or both.'
quote:
Thought Jordon as he sat in the corner as he has been at the Guardian Tower for well over two weeks without any training, classes or hot teachers come by.
I believe this is a run-on sentence. You should probably fix it to look something like the following: "thought Jordon as he sat in the corner, just as he had been doing at the Guardian Tower for well over two weeks, without even any training, classes, or hot teachers coming by." I also fixed some verb tense issues and other stuff, but you get the idea, right?
quote:
and Jordon patience
Add an "'s" after "Jordon."
quote:
some talking some sparing,
There should be a comma after "talking."
quote:
"Were is everyone?"
Change "were" to "where."
I think that's enough for you to get the idea, but please know that this is all from the first two paragraphs of your story. I strongly recommend reading your story out loud to yourself, both before and after posting, as that will help you catch a great number of errors. You may be surprised by how many you can find. Also, I've noticed a distinct lack of commas where they should be in your writing, resulting in a lot of run-on sentences. Make sure you look out for those when (if) you decide to reread your story out loud.
Now, I'll move on to some more general style and flow oddities.
As I'm reading through your story, the first major issue I'm noticing is tense. The overall story has the feel of past tense, but your writing hardly ever stays there. I strongly, strongly suggest going back over your story and changing all of your verbs to past tense, as there is nothing that can make someone cringe like verb tense inconsistencies.
It almost seems as if you keep trying to make your sentences too descriptive. Now that I think about it, this may be what is causing your run-on sentences, mentioned earlier. Here, let me give you an example:
quote:
Grace, now thinking to herself "Someone finally shut him up!", was a bit on edge as well.
See, here, the narration of Grace's thoughts isn't entirely necessary. Instead, a simple explanation of her mood will work. For example: "Grace, smugly satisfied at the man's silence, was a bit on-edge as well." Of course, I strongly suggest that you do not use this specific example, and instead try to think of your own, using mine only as a guide. Here's another example:
quote:
...cloaked to keep the bugs out(Alot of bugs like feasting on decomposing corpses).
here, you don't really need that parenthetical. Instead, you could say essentially the same thing without those parentheses breaking the whole tempo of the sentence. Try something like this: "...cloaked to keep the carrion bugs at bay." See, the average reader will know what carrion bugs are. That is, bugs that feed on corpses. Using the word in this way modifies their image of the room, while at the same time keeping the pace of the writing.
quote:
Fear swelling up inside as scares on his back begin to burn again with haunting memories.
Now, this is just an awkward sentence. Perhaps this is because the intended subject, the necromancer, is not mentioned, and you've inadvertently made fear the subject of the whole sentence. Try, instead, to fix it in a similar fashion to this: "Fear welled up inside him as the scars on his back began to burn again with the return of haunting memories." I also fixed some spelling and verb tense issues, but you get the idea.
I will have you know, however, that I think you did a much better job in the second and third chapters than you did in your first one. There are hardly any errors, and the banter between the recruits was entertaining. Keep up writing like that, and you should do well for a story. I apologize in advance if I seemed mean at all during this. If I did, please just keep in mind that I was simply pointing out facts that can help you become a better write, and there is nothing hateful in them.
Well, thanks for reading my latest wall of text [:D]. I look forward to seeing you improve in the future!
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