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Helixi -> RE: (AQ) Tales of a warmonger Comments and Discussion Thread (12/5/2011 18:37:49)
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Heyo Elryn! I'm here to give you the critique I promised.
So you know the format of my critiques:
Title of chapter/post
quote:
Quote from the story/poem here. Mistakes will be in bold and numbered.
List of criticisms underneath.
1. Crit here.
2. Crit here.
etc.
Introduction.
quote:
‘Such are the origins of the Mystical Warrior and his tale has only begun…’’
The storyteller finished. The curious gazes around the campfire were alight with enjoyment.
‘‘Wonderful!’’ said one.
]‘‘Glad you liked it, Melissa.’’ 1. said the storyteller grinning behind a ram’s skull
‘‘Could you tell another story?’’ asked another one.
The storyteller was silent.
‘‘I am afraid I do not know the story of the other warmongers of Battleon well enough to tell them.’’ said he, slightly embarrassed.
Murmurs of disappointment went around the campfire. A moment passed and another said 2. :
‘‘What about yours?’’
‘‘Hmmm?’’
‘‘Can you tell us your story?’’
The mage was silent.
‘‘My story?… Nay, nay, it is nothing of any interest.’’ said he, waving his hand in dismissal.
‘‘Oh! Please do!’’
‘‘Yes, tell us the story of the Warmage.’’
Murmurs of [3. b]agreement went around the campfire. The mage remained silent, staring into the flames. He sighed and grinned.
‘‘There are some things I cannot tell you. Things best left in the dark... At least for now…’’
The smiles around the campfire dropped.
‘‘… But I can tell you part of it.’’
Smiles 4. lighted their faces again. While they waited eagerly for the tale to begin, the storyteller took his pipe again- it had a long shaft, made entirely of wood, and an ivory carving depicting a tall old man with a book in a chair facing curious little faces on either side of the head - and drew a breath, as he did on these special occasions. He exhaled slowly. The smoke mingled with the flames.
‘‘Tell a tale round the campfire or to children with pipe and comfy chair…’’
1. 'Said the storyteller' is a main clause and 'grinning behind a ram's skull' is a subordinate clause.
2. There's no need for speech to go on a new line here and this is the wrong punctuation mark. It should be a comma.
3. I can tell from reading the rest of your prose that you can come up with a better word than 'went' in this instance.
4. 'Lit'.
Prologue.
quote:
Once upon a time, there was a child who was crying. He was found in a marsh under full moon by a man and a woman, an ivory choker with strange inscriptions around his neck. 1. Taken by pity, the couple took him and raised him as their own. 2. From his father, who was a monster hunter, he learnt many things about this world’s many beasts 3. : how to hunt and trap them, but also how to make clothes out of their skins and the proprieties of their many parts. He learned much about the flora and fauna as well. From his mother, who was a mage, he learnt about magics. 4. Indeed, he had a gift for magic, mastering his mother’s lessons with the greatest of ease much to her own surprise. 5. Of all surprises however, this was but one of many. The boy was... peculiar. Some things about him will not be said. 6. Needless to say, his eyes were wide circles of a swirling tempest gray. He did not sleep, but rather spent his nights meditating and working on his magic.
1. 'Moved by pity' would flow better in the sentence.
2. There's nothing technically wrong with this phrase, but in my opinion, the phrase 'His father, who was a monster hunter, taught him many things about the world's creatures/beasts.' You avoid repeating the word 'many' and as such, the sentence is easier to speak.
3. This should be a semi-colon/dash/period/connective.
4. You're missing a comma here. It should read, 'Indeed, he had a gift for magic, mastering his mother's lessons with the greatest of ease, much to her own surprise.'
5. This sentence needs rewording, but I'll leave that to you.
6. This is an unnecessary clause. You can take it out and the sentence will be fine.
quote:
His parents, thinking the time had indeed come, agreed. A few days later, having packed a few possessions and his 1. bearings for the trip, he embraced his parents tenderly, bade them farewell and left. 2. This was the last time he ever saw them.
He spent the next 3. 20 years wandering and adventuring. 4. He met many humans for he left the obscure lands where he once lived. He also took up the habit of concealing his face, 5. for what reason he did not know, either partially or fully 6. : a hood with facemask or high neck collar at times, a full helm at another and so on. He had many adventures as well. 7. Suffice to say that he helped as many people as he could with 8. what little skill he had. He also met a number of mages, yet none could or would help him.
1. 'Belongings'.
2. In my opinion, 'this' is the wrong word to use. It's technically correct but it feels a bit... off.
3. I hate numerals in literature!
4. You're missing a comma. This sentence should read, 'He met many humans, for he had left the obscure lands where he once lived.' The chunk before the comma is a main clause, meaning it is a sentence by itself and the chunk after the comma is a subordinate clause, meaning it has to rely on the sentence to make sense. This means that the two clauses should be separated by a comma.
5. These two clauses should be switched around and the sentence will make perfect sense.
6. This should be a semi-colon/dash/period/connective.
7. 'Suffice it'.
8. You said earlier his mother taught him all she knew, which I would assume to be quite a bit. Why then, is he now using rudimentary magic? Clarify this please.
quote:
One day, he came upon a small town. There, he found a being who was not quite human. He was a mage of great power, an archmage. The perfect teacher. At first, the archmage refused and 1. laugh at the idea that a ‘’man’’ out of nowhere should become his apprentice. The young man was not 2. discouraged however. Several services, months, tankards of beer 3. and one drunken mage later and he accepted. Under the tutelage of the archmage, he learnt far more magic 4. that he could ever have hoped to learn, enough to 5. make of him an accomplished mage. He also learned how to 6. employ it on the battlefield. You see, the small town was often at war. Hordes of vile creatures of all kinds, demons, undead and bandits attacked regularly. Never more than two months 7. did past between these assaults. It is there he 8. met the guardians of the village and joined themselves to their cause. When his tutelage came to an end, his master was proud. 9. He was amongst the most powerful mages of the village.
10. It is said he received three gifts from his mentor :
The skull of ram to wear as a helm and strike fear into the hearts of his foes.
A set of armour made of bark and leather most suited for a magic user.
And last, but not least, a wooden maul made of old enchanted ash that would grow ever lighter the stronger the bearer’s magic and grow ever heavier against his unlucky foes. It is said that, like this, he fought many wars, crushing some with his maul and destroying others with his spells.
11. And above all, he protected his friends.
12. So he became known as the Warmage.
Or so it is said.
1. 'Laughed'.
2. These two words should be separated by a comma.
3. You've repeated the word 'and'. Perhaps you could change this fragment to, 'Several services, tankards of beer and one drunken mage later, the Archmage/wizard agreed.'
4. 'Than he could ever hope to learn.'
5. 'Make him'.
6. I think you mean 'deploy'.
7. You can use either, 'did pass' or 'passed' here.
8. 'It was there he met the Guardians of the village and joined their cause.'
9. I would think, as his teacher was the Archmage, he would be the second most powerful mage in the village.
10. The first sentence can end with a colon, as it's a list of phrases rather than a list of words. However, the succeeding sentences should follow on directly and end with semi-colons. The sentence would be, 'It is said he received three gifts from his mentor: the skull of ram to wear as a helm and strike fear into the hearts of his foes; a set of armour made of bark and leather most suited for a magic user and last, but not least, a wooden maul made of old enchanted ash.' In my opinion, 'That would grow ever lighter the stronger the bearer’s magic and grow ever heavier against his unlucky foes.' should become a reworded sentence by itself.
11. 'Above all.' Don't start sentences with 'and'.
12. The first sentence is wonderful, moody, atmospheric, snappy sentence that sets the tone for the rest of the story. But then, you ruin the effect a bit by following it. if the two sentences were joined together it would be perfect.
Chapter 1.
quote:
The sun rose over the village and the townsfolk tended to their labour once more. They worked the morning on their miserable fields, trying 1. rather vainly to extract something of value from the drought ridden land. The wind was blowing queerly that day. One farmer worked diligently with his hoe. He wore faded green clothing, as did most of the other townsfolk, his red beard ragged, his lips dry, his face darkened by the dust and dirt he ploughed. He stopped a moment, brushing the sweat and hair out of his face when a shadow overcame him.
There in the sky, written in misty clouds 2. , was said :
MAGIC PERFORMANCE IN TOWN SQUARE AT HIGH NOON
ALL 3. YE WELCOME
1. Unnecessary word.
2. 'It said.' I'm not sure what to write about this announcement. I think it should italicised and not be in a new paragraph, but I'll leave it for now.
3. Unnecessary word.
quote:
The farmer stared. He had secretly hoped for clouds and rain to end their troubles. He shouldered his hoe and made his way to town.
High noon was fast approaching 1. on the town’s square. Most of the townspeople had gathered. Each stood there with a 2. worn impassive face. Each wondering as much as the next what would soon happen. High noon came and passed yet nothing happened. Faces turned, 3. darting inquisitive looks, silently wondering if this had not all 4. been a jest.
5. Then they noticed something odd.
In the middle of the square they encircled, a dark dot appeared on the ground. It slowly grew into a small circle, taking a distinct dark brown colour. Before long, everyone had realized it was mud. The circle grew and grew until at last it was about a meter or so wide when it stopped. The townsfolk stared as a cloaked figure rose slowly from 6. the mud.
The cloak was of deep blue with winding patterns coloured gold around every edge. 7. Though the figure was tall, for he towered over all the townsfolk, the robes seemed to have been made too long for bottom trailed on the ground a bit and his hood fell so that not an inch of his face could be seen through the 8. darkness it confined. The figure turned and gazed round until his 9. look, presumably, fell on a man with two children 10. clutching to either side of his legs.
1. In my opinion, this phrase is unnecessary.
2. You're missing a comma or the word 'and' between 'worn' and 'impassive'.
3. 'Sharing inquisitive looks'.
4. 'Been in jest' or 'been a joke'.
5. There's no need to split this off from the paragraph after it.
6. 'The mire' might be a better phrase to use.
7. 'Though the figure towered over the townsfolk, the robes seemed to have been made too long, for the bottom trailed on the ground.'
8. 'Confined' is the wrong word in this context.
9. 'His eyes'.
10. 'Clutching to his legs', as the phrase 'to either side' is not necessary.
quote:
The stranger approached. As he did, some caught a glimpse of leather boots through the front fold of his robes and as his hood danced lightly with the wind, some 1. did think they caught a glimpse of a face mask or scarf as well. 2.One thought he even saw two glowing dots of 3. a strange grey. The stranger knelt in front of the child to the right. He 4. was boy no more than eight. 5. Out his sleeve, the stranger revealed a 6. leather gloved hand opened in which a ball of fire soon appeared. The boy shrank back, but 7. grew curiouser as the ball of fire turned into a fiery egg.
The egg cracked and burst in a plume of flames to reveal a small fiery bird. It was a phoenix. The phoenix screeched and flapped gaily about. With one swift movement, it took flight and circled round the gathering, much to the wonderment of the town’s people. It came back to stranger’s hand where it continued to levitate and chirp. The boy gazed at it curiously, but with the caution that begun to animate his years. He had only time to gaze at it a moment longer when it turned to ashes and disappeared.
1. 'Even thought'.
2. You can keep this or replace it; it's up to you.
3. Again, this word is unnecessary.
4. 'Was a boy, no more than eight.'
5. 'Out of his sleeve'.
6. 'A gloved hand'.
7. 'Grew more curious'.
quote:
The stranger made an odd gesture with his hand and moved to the little girl. She was no more than four and her face was as dirty as the rest of them. Her long hair, as curly as 1. Shockheaded Peter no doubt, was dirty as well. 2. She still held beauty in her eyes however. 3. Her wide green eyes stared wide as if lost in an imaginary world. From the stranger’s hand 4. came ice this time; again came an odd ball or egg shape. 5. I did not crack or burst however, but slowly unfolded to reveal a little butterfly-winged creature. The fairy of ice looked curiously about and suddenly jumped and stayed, beating her wings like hummingbird. She zipped and zipped to and fro, looking at all curiously. Finally, she came back again and 6. stared at the girl as did she. The girl tentively reached out to touch the fairy, only for her to turn to diamond dust and disappear.
The stranger rose and moved away back towards the center. He began to make 7. strange movements with his arms, swinging them as if trying to swim in an exaggerated fashion yet in a smooth and calculated manner as well. Slow then quick, he stopped for mere moment in front of the crowd and the wind 8. blew hard on them, spun around in the same fashion and the wind blew on others. He turned again this time his hands waved and spun around an invisible sphere in his hand. Wind gathered there and he threw it on again more where it scattered and blew on their brow.
1. Who is Shockheaded Peter?
2. This sentence doesn't make sense.
3. And neither does this fragment. I think, 'She stared, her green eyes wide' would fit better.
4. Again, unnecessary repetition of the word 'came'. The fragment might also benefit from some rewording.
5. 'It'.
6. This fragment also needs rewording.
7. You can choose a better word to go here, surely?
quote:
All this time, the crowd remained passive 1. on the exterior. The stranger was about to move on to his next trick when the crowd split behind him, making way for an elderly man. The old man’s face 2. exuded stubbornness and determination as well as age. 3. His eyes however showed he was tired; burdened by the years and events lived. The elder made his way to the stranger and, after having cleared his dry throat, 4. said the following :
‘If you are willing to help us and I beg, please follow me.’
The elder started and distanced himself. The stranger said nothing, but turned and followed, and the wind blew with him.
1. 'On the exterior' not necessary in the context of the sentence.
2. 'Exuded stubbornness and determination'.
3. 'His eyes, however, showed...'
4. There's no need to have that colon. It should read, 'Said, "If you are willing to help us, please follow me."'
Chapter 2.
quote:
‘’This… is our problem.’’
The old man pointed at the corpse that laid in the barn. Half rotten and littered with maggots, it had been dead for some time. 1. A brown furry complexion, as big as a bovine, eight sharp legs and eight black eyes. To the stranger, there could be no doubt.
‘’Giant Spiders. The Kresh.’’ said the old man, as if reading his mind.
The stranger remained silent.
‘’This is the wrath of the Lords. It must. What else may it be?!’’ 2. said the old man in soliloquy filled with misery, ‘’This village was once lively and prosperous before they came and the drought along with them. That first night, we were caught by surprise. We had never had any guards or sentries. We had always gone to bed with peace of mind. The townfolks banded together and we managed to drive them off… Not without loss. Many 3. a children were missing, taken by those vile creatures. And what creatures they were! 4. Thing of legend! Not seen since the Paladin Lords in the East had 5. slain them to the last! Then the drought came and the vicious cycle of misery was formed. 6. Kresh assaults multiplied themselves, becoming a regular ordeal, each time they came more numerous than the last all the while our village slowly withered away under the drought.’’
1. This sentence is actually a series of subordinate clauses, listed one after the other, In addition, 'complexion' refers to the skin on the face.
2. This fragment needs rewording.
3. 'A' is unnecessary in this sentence.
4. 'Things of legend.'
5. 'slain every last one.'
6. What did you mean with this fragment?
quote:
The old man 1. pauses. Still the stranger was silent.
‘’It is only a matter of time before they come again and this time, we shall not be able to hold them back.’’
Still the stranger was silent. The old man fell to his knees and clung to the stranger’s robes.
‘’Please, Stranger! Please help us! We… We have nothing to pay you it. We have food but barely enough to feed ourselves. We…’’
The stranger dropped his hand gently on the old man’s shoulder. Staring fixedly at the old man, he slowly titled his head to the right. At first, the old man stared at the stranger in confusion. He did not understand. 2. Then it dawned on his mind.
‘’You… You will do it?’’
The stranger nodded then titled his head again. The old man stared for a moment in daze then snapped out of his reverie and 3. said :
‘’Their… Their den lies in the forest some miles to the north.’’
The cloaked figure turned and started for the barn’s exit. He was just beyond the barn when he heard a voice yell 3. :
‘’Just follow the cobwebs! They will take you to it! Oh, and blocking of the entrance will do no good! They’ll clear it!’’
The old man watched the stranger slowly disappear into the horizon, a few of the villagers along his side.
‘’Will he make it?’’ said a dry, pleading and croaked voice.
There was a long moment of silent before the old man finally answered.
‘’By the Lords and I beg… I hope he does.’’
1. You unintentionally switched to the present tense. It should be 'paused'.
2. Technically there's nothing wrong with this. However, having the speech separated from the preceding sentence breaks the flow up when there's really no need to do so. I suggest putting both sentences together on a new line.
3. I've mentioned this before. The colon is in the wrong place. The speech can (I think) carry on after the word 'yell'. There should be a comma or period after 'yell' too.
quote:
The old man watched the stranger slowly disappear 1. into the horizon, a few of the villagers 2. along his side.
‘’Will he make it?’’ said 3. a dry, pleading and croaked voice.
There was a long moment of silent before the old man finally answered.
‘’By the Lords 4. and I beg… I hope he does.’’
Meanwhile, the stranger 5. walked a steady gait northwards. At first, the land was dry and parched, but soon small shrubs 6. made their appearance. They grew in number; 7. bear ground made way to vegetation. Then hills came into view and 8. were climbed and not far beyond them 9. laid the woods. Left and right, as far as the eye could see,10. there laid the forest. There was an ominous feel to it. The trees were densely packed together with tall and narrow trunks. They stood in lines as if someone had planted them and between the trunks 11. laid the deep darkness provided by the leafy roof top. Night fell as the 12. stranger intruded the forest and a full moon rose in the sky on a cloudless night. The stranger 13. made on through the darkness. He was about to stop when a faint white and ghostly glow appeared in the distance. As he made his way towards it, the glow grew in strength and the trees grew further apart. He was 14. almost upon when he came to an abrupt halt and took a step back.
1. Nothing can disappear into the horizon, unless it was walking for hours. 'Distance' would be a better word to use.
2. What did you mean by this?
3. Who spoke? Clearly it was another villager, but we only know that because the old man replied. Specify the new characters when they enter.
4. This is a strange phrase in the context of the sentence.
5. This should either be 'walked with a steady gait', 'walked a steady pace' or 'walked at a steady pace'. Take your pick.
6. 'Made their appearance' gives a distinctly human impression. 'Started to appear' would, perhaps, be better placed.
7. Bare'.
8. Wrong phrase.
9. 'Lay'.
10. 'There was the forest' might be better.
11. 'Lay the deep darkness of the forest. No light penetrated the leafy canopy,' would possibly fit better in the context of the paragraph.
12. 'Intruded' is usually used in the context of a person breaking in. However, because the stranger 'intruding' on the forest is a good idea, I would suggest something like, 'Night fell as the stranger pushed deeper between the trunks. He felt as though he were intruding on the grim peace of the forest.'
13. 'Made his way' might fit better.
14. Upon what?
quote:
In front of him, stretched out between two trees and two meters high was a garbled spider web. It hung loosely and the 1. threads intertwined in a mess like an old witch’s ghastly hair. It glowed an eerie white under the full moon’s gaze, but some of the glow came from behind the web. The stranger outstretched his hand and 2. rapped the web around his leather gloves making an opening which he slipped through.
It was as if the earth had been embalmed. The entire ground of the circular clearing was covered in the ghostly white web that glowed in the moonlight. Upon the webbed earth, hither and thither, 3. lied small embalmed bundles. The shape of some resembled that of small humans. Eerier still, a thousand of small spiders went to and fro across the clearing like black water. And in the middle, was the entrance of the den. Web covered like all the rest, eight black eyes stared from the embalmed creature on top. Lines of thread stretched out to the ground on either side and light strands stretched across walls of tunnels 4. until lost to the darkness within.
The stranger stood silently. He knelt to the ground, placed his hand upon it and waited.
Nothing.
He waited longer.
Nothing.
He focused harder.
… A faint rumbling.
The stranger rose and entered the tunnel. Engulfed by the darkness, he descended into the depths of the earth.
1. In my opinion, the clause would flow better if it were just 'threads intertwined like an old witch's ghastly hair'.
2. 'Wrapped the web around his leather glove, making an opening which he quickly slipped through.'
3. Spiders wrapping up prey is nothing like embalming, but I'll let it slide as these are fantasy spiders. 'Lay small embalmed bundles'.
4. 'Until they were lost to the darkness within'.
Overview.
Well, you have the start of a good story, but you need to improve quite a few things.
Spelling. Good, as far as I can tell.
Grammar/Punctuation. This needs to improve. You tend to try to use elaborate sentences, but it doesn't work very well. Your punctuation isn't that bad, apart from the badly placed colons and commas. In addition, you use use odd words. I know what you mean, the reader knows what you mean, but they break the flow of sentences and make them feel clumsy in the mouth.
Description. More please. There's little in there beyond a few sparse scatterings of description.
Plot Development. Kinda vague, from what I've seen. More please.
Character Development. The Warmage is a mysterious and alluring character to read. I want more of his story. :D
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