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Master Samak -> RE: (DF) VorpalEdge-Feedback (11/17/2011 17:05:43)
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Hi there, voldy27! Congratulations on your first story.
I do like to read DragonFable stories, and this went very well. I like how took quests and characters in the game and gave it your own spin. I have my ideas on where the rainbow will take them, for sure.
A recommendation I would have for you is that whenever you are going to post a new chapter, first read over what you already posted. Read it out loud, if you can, because that helps a lot with seeing if each sentence sound right. Then, if you detect that some part could be changed, you can improve it.
Two particular notes I have would be 1) to look over the tenses of verbs in your sentences again. There are some in your story with two different tenses in one sentence. This link does a good job with explaining past, present, and future tenses.
Also, 2) see if you can fill in more detail with your prologue and chapter one. Take your time with describing the transitions from one scene to another. Apply the five senses to battle scenes and travelling. More often than not, readers will want more detail and it's only when you've put too much in that they'll tell you to take it down a notch.
I think this is a good first post you made. The story made me smile in several places throughout, and if you keep working on it I think it will be a very good read.
Keep it up!
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