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Helixi -> RE: The trails of cale (Discussion) (11/27/2011 13:31:44)
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Hello wolfencreek! Here to give you the promised critique! I have to say, so far it looks great.
So you know the format of my critiques:
Title of chapter/post
quote:
Quote from the story/poem here. Mistakes will be in bold and numbered.
List of criticisms underneath.
1. Crit here.
2. Crit here.
etc.
First paragraph.
quote:
1. All at once, the subtle chittering of the forest bugs died away and we were left alone, he the immortal half god and I the young boy who had risen so far only to fall deeper. Not long after we had hunted our quarry 2. ; the dark guardsmen of the djinns tomb, we had retreated steadily, making our way back into the deep enclosing branches that would harbour us safely. It was there that we had 3. set our camp and began our palaver.
1. There's technically nothing wrong with this sentence, however, when read aloud, the flow seems a bit... off. It's completely up to you if you keep this in or change it though.
2. This should be a comma as the fragment before it is not a main clause. However, the rest of the sentence is sound.
3. I personally think "set up" would go better here. Again, this is completely up to you.
quote:
We talked and debated fiercely till the late evening 1., by the time we finally concluded our talks and reminiscence the stars had begun their evening dance in the 2. completed darkness of space.As the final embers of our campfire rose up into the night, I felt the tendrils of my neglected sleep begin to entangle me, I laid my bed for the evening 3. – a comforting woollen blanket and mattress of straw- and immersed myself in their clutches. 4. I was rudely awoken from my slumber some considerable time later 5. , the first indication that something was wrong was the intrusion of the cold head of an arrow as it lodged itself in my inner thigh. The 6. agony did not concern me in the slightest, it was simply a matter for later consideration, and the task at hand was to remain alive for such a period of time as would be appropriate to remove it.
1. This should be a semi-colon.
2. I think this should be, "The stars had begun their evening dance in the complete darkness of space." That was probably just a small typo on your part.
3. This clause isn't a main clause, so it should be preceded and followed by commas.
4. Again this point is stylistic. I'd suggest making everything after the 4 a new paragraph, this is again completely up to you.
5. This comma should be a semi-colon as the fragment after it is a main clause.
6. I have one other problem with this paragraph. How is he not at all impeded by the fact an arrow just embedded itself in his leg? I'd expect him to be at least partially immobilised.
Second paragraph.
quote:
My eyes ran around the camp searching for the familiar 1. bulk of my friend and mentor, but it was nowhere to be seen. I wondered if he had been killed and dragged away by my assailant, but my eyes could find no trail of red among the little 2. light still remained in the camp.
1. His mentor is an 'it'? "My eyes ran around the camp searching for the familiar bulk of my friend and mentor, but he was nowhere to be seen.
2. You've missed out a word, or used the wrong tense of a word. This should either be, "the little light that still remained in the camp", or "the little light still remaining in the camp." Either would be correct.
Third paragraph.
quote:
I rose swiftly despite the intense protest of my injured leg1. , my hand leapt to the sword sheath that lay by my bed, but I quickly remembered the weapons absence and sought instead for one of the many rocks that littered the forest floor. I quickly found a particularly large and jagged stone; I tested the 2.projectiles weight in my hand and found it perfect for the task ahead. I had little time to prepare myself 1. , my assailant would be upon me again within a hearts beat and no matter what his choice of weapon it would surely outstrip my own. I lay quite still, one with the foliage of the forest. My attacker would find it difficult to distinguish me from my surroundings in the midnight gloom.I lay patiently on the ground1. , the winter months had taken their toll and had created an icy cradle of dirt, and the bitter sensation of frost had begun to creep upon me as I waited silently for my attacker to make his move. My stealth was not rewarded however. I had remained in my place for what seemed like an eternity but had seen nothing, no sound arose from the slumbering trees and the acrid smell of the campfires smoke polluted my nostrils. I could no longer ignore the devastating pain in my leg and the crimson blood that flowed like a fast paced river from it. Still I fought back the pain and kept my vigil. Whatever had besieged the camp would not claim me as its prize today.
1. This comma can be a period/semi-colon/dash as follows it is a sentence.
2. This is a plural. It should be 'projectile's' as it possesses its weight.
Fourth paragraph.
quote:
I staggered forward, surrounded by the tall silent sentinels of the forest. As I lumbered painfully forward, I knew that I could not go on like this for long. My vision began to turn into a darkening tunnel, at the end of which I was sure there would be no light. The only thought that passed through my head was that I must find my friend; I must save him from whatever demon ruled this kingdom of emerald.
There is nothing wrong with this paragraph other than one problem I have with the style. Repeating 'forward' twice is quite clumsy, in my opinion.
Overview.
What you have is a brilliant opening paragraph. It sets the scene, perfectly builds suspense, makes me empathise with the character... In short, I want more. The one thing I would say is this; in places your writing style is a bit flowery, which can put people off as much as a completely plain writing style. I'd suggest finding a balance between plain and complex writing.
- Spelling. Flawless, as far as I can tell.
- Grammar/Punctuation. Aside from the few badly placed commas, there was nothing wrong with it. Your sentences are well developed and flow easily.
- Description. As what you have is only the opening part, I won't lambaste you for this. However, as the story develops, we need more descriptions of Cale and his mentor. Some extra scene description wouldn't go amiss either.
- Plot Development. Kinda none-applicable here, as there isn't much to go on. However, I get the feeling it'll be a great story.
- Character Development. The above comment applies here.
Edit, just some stuff I noticed after I'd finished critiquing: You'd do well to put a link to your C+C thread on the story, it's easier for the readers. Also, on this thread and the title of the actual story thread, you should capitalise Cale and make sure 'trials' is spelled correctly.
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