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Helixi -> RE: The Ledgend of Uchiha Itachi (12/3/2011 5:32:35)
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You'll also want a C+C thread for general comments, but if you're here solely to improve your writing, I don't think the fact you don't have one will be a problem.
I might as well give you a critique, while I'm here.
So you know the format of my critiques:
Title of chapter/post
quote:
Quote from the story/poem here. Mistakes will be in bold and numbered.
List of criticisms underneath.
1. Crit here.
2. Crit here.
etc.
One thing before I start properly; it's general practise to separate paragraphs here. It makes things easier to read and critique.
quote:
1. PROLOGE..
It was a dark, cool night in Falconreach 2. , Twilly was asleep on his little log, people were chating 3. idlely 2. , Uchiha Itachi had4. is black 5. Defalt (the armor you get at the start of the game) Armor on and his Dragon Tooth 6. Sord in the ground by him. He was 7. leening on the Hilt, eyes shut 2. , he deserved a little sleep 2. , 8. this week alone was a tame...er one than his normal weeks, he slayed 10,000 undead, gone on and compleeted 750 'tasks', and got up at 2AM, it was 10PM and he had just gotten to sleep. Ash was off 9. who know where, some place in AdventureQuest's terf, likely up to his eyes in Vampires, Wearpreres, and who know what other horrors was in store for that n00b as Twilly had so blutly up it on the Falconreach sign...
10. But our hero didn't want to think about that now...
He was just falling into a deep sleep when her heard none other than Artix The 11. Paladen.
"Not even an hour of sleep?!" 12. our hero asked. "Fight all week...*grumble, grumble, mutter, mutter* ever sence you fought along side of me, you've been dragging me off to Doom Wood or what has you, and sence I got my dragon you've been wakeing me up right when I start to get some sleep!
"I have had it with all of this, I've got blood on my blade that I'll never get out thanks to you!"
The 11. padiden, 13. clearly not hearing what had just been said, "I found a huge battaleon of Undead, it's just by Hunter's Paradice," he then said
Our hero then muttered a curse under his breath and said "I am not going to Doom Wood with you for a long time, that's all there is to it14. ,"
The 11. paladen looked shocked, but left for Doom Wood by himself.
"I gotta get a life," 15. he muttered to himself.
1. 'Prologue'. I'd also suggest bolding/italicising/underlining/supersizing this word so people have a visual marker in the story.
2. 'It was a dark, cool night in Falconreach' is a main clause, which means it's a sentence on it's own. This means the comma after it should be a period/semi-colon/dash/connective.
3. 'Idly'.
4. 'His'.
5. Don't say what the black default is and when the character gets it. You're supposed to be writing IC, or in character, so mentioning this ruins that.
6. 'Sword' and 'on'.
7. 'Leaning'.
8. I know what you tried to do with this sentence, but it didn't work well. I would suggest rewording it so it reads, "The week had been tamer than normal, however, he had still slain thousands of undead and completed several hundred small tasks." You also use numerals, which I really don't like.
9. 'Ash was off, where nobody knew. Uchiha guessed he was up to his eyeballs in Vampires, Werepyres and other horrors. He wondered how the new adventurer would fare.' We don't use language like n008 in L+L very often.
10. 'But the hero didn't want to think about that now.' Unless you want to go for a chatty, breaks-the-fourth-wall narrating style, I would suggest steering away from words such as 'our' as they don't fit the context of the story.
11. 'Paladin.'
12. 'Our hero' is again misplaced. You also need to reword this sentence because we don't use *action* here, we use description.
13. 'Artix clearly hadn't heard what Uchiha had said. "I found this huge battalion of undead near Doomwood!" He sounded very excited.'
14. This should a period followed by parentheses, as it is the end of a sentence.
15. Who muttered? I assume Uchiha. If there is any doubt, specify the character.
quote:
***
When he awoke at sun-rise, he did so with huge1. diffaculty 2. , he had only had about two hours of good sleep, everyone 3. keep wakeing him up.
He 4. wrinched his wepon out of the ground, like he always did, and dragged it with him, heading for the bank where he kept his Mogbull. He had some, but was still tired 2. , he needed to go and get a house, and go on leave, but the pull of adventure was too large for him to take a brake 2. , he headed down to Warlic, 5. he got a quest, did it, headed back to Falconreach, and did his same, old, day.
1. 'Difficulty'.
2. This comma should be a period/dash/semi-colon/connective.
3. 'Kept waking'.
4. 'Wrenched his weapon'.
5. What quest?
What you have is a plot outline, really. It could be good, but it needs a lot of work. I understand that this is a prologue designed to inform the reader of how monotonous the hero's life is, but it needs more in to adequately put that feeling across.
Spelling. Not very good. I'd suggest running it through a word processor before posting an update.
Grammar/Punctuation. You're not bad at this. You need to recognise where to use periods/semi-colons/dashes/connectives instead of commas, but it's a common mistake and easily fixed, don't worry.
Description. There was no description at all. As readers, we need more than a tiny bit of information and a conversation. What does Uchiha look/smell/sound/feel like? What does Artix look/smell/sound/feel like? What does Twilly look/smell/sound/feel like? What does the town look like? What does the Mogbull taste like?
Plot Development. Kinda none-applicable, as it's only the very start of your narrative.
Character Development. The above comment applies here.
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