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Helixi -> RE: Mirrors Edge (12/25/2011 11:52:03)
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I'd be happy to read this through soon. I thought I'd drop by and give an informal critique.
Prologue, The fall of Kings
quote:
Lightning struck the mountaintop as Zeth 1. struck again and again at the 2. dark king, each 3. strike spraying sparks down onto the battle below. A quick fireball spell sent 4. Ouranion skidding back over the rocks 5. ,. Zeth looked down onto the battle below 6. , his rebel forces had pushed the 7. dark kings army into a narrow pass and had surrounded them where they stood. Zeth smiled 6. , everything the rebellion had sacrificed so far was 8. all building up to this moment. The ambush had worked just as planned and the kings forces were far too under equipped to survive such an onslaught. 9. Zeth spun round to see Ouranion pouncing at him like a wildcat, wielding his twin swords with lightning speed6. , it was taking all of Zeths' energy just to defend himself and keep those things away from him. Ouranion pushed him up against a boulder and a quick strike to Zeths' shin sent him tumbling to the ground. Ouranions' blade pressed hard into his chest 6. , the metal feeling cold 10. againsthis flesh. Zeth looked up into Ouranions' face, his eyes seeming to pierce Zeths' very soul.
''Any 11. last words peasant?' hissed the dark king from underneath his black plated helmet.
''Yeah,'' 12. croaked Zeth, ''I hope you enjoy hell!'' And with that 13. his blade shone brilliantly, exploding in a ball of pure energy sending Ouranions' lifeless body down onto the snow powdered rocks. Zeth watched as the 2. 7. dark kings body melted into shadow, leaving only his sword to remain, but as Zeth watched, he saw his sword 14. etched runes into itself, 15. a language of darkness itself after a quick translation the message was clear. 'I will return'. A dragon roared in the distance 6. , a new era was dawning.
1. You said this earlier in the sentence; in my opinion, you should change this word.
2. 'Dark King' should be capitalised, as it's a title.
3. Again, I think you need a new word. 'Strike' is just the present form of 'struck'.
4. Who is this? I assume it's the king, but others may not make that connection. I'd suggest naming the King in the first line.
5. A period is all that is needed.
6. This should be a period/semi-colon/dash/connective. You made this mistake many times, so I've just written the criticism once.
7. Capitalise this. Also, it should be ''King's'.
8. This is unnecessary.
9. Why did he let himself be distracted? That's pretty damn stupid for (I assume) a skilled fighter.
10. 'against his'.
11. '...last words, peasant?' Hissed the Dark King.'
12. 'Croaked'.
13. Whose blade? If you mean Zeth, his blade would have been thrown somewhere out of reach. If you mean Ouranion, why would his blade do that? Clarify this.
14. 'Etch'.
15. I think this needs some. rewording.
You clearly are a competent writer but you use a lot of run-on sentences in your work. This is a common mistake and easily fixed, don't worry. It means using a comma instead of a period/dash/semi-colon/connective.
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