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demolitiondragon -> RE: The Betrayal of Loki Discussion Thread (1/19/2012 3:53:07)
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Sorry for the lateness of this. It's not finished, but here's what there is so far. I hope any of it will be of use to you. =]
CHAPTER 1
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The first saplings had just appeared on the trees in the orchards of Idun,
Keeping in mind that I've had only a basic exposure to structured Norse mythology, do you really mean saplings?
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Aesir of Fire, indeed!" At these words Loki became bitter at heart, replying,"
At a change of speaker, a new paragraph should begin. Also, the speech marks at the beginning of Loki's reply are on the wrong side of the space. ;)
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Merely a broken pile of clay, inactive and lame, which is not too far from what you are now!"
Ouch!
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Yet he was not akin to taking insults from a youngling,
'Akin' probably isn't the word you're after. 'Accustomed' would be a better fit.
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and in truth Loki's words had instilled in him a fire that was lost since birth.
Would 'had been lost' disrupt what you're aiming for?
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And Loki, seeing his opportunity, said, "Very well then, we shall have an archery contest."
Again, new speaker; new paragraph.
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Then, believing that he already won, exclaimed "Wait here, Hodur! I shall come back with our arrows."
'had already won' would be more grammatically correct, or alternatively, "believing the contest already won...". Also, a comma after 'exclaimed'.
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But going back to his home he found the quiver where he stored his arrows empty, and was outraged.
Hm. Either a comma after 'home', or something akin to 'But upon arriving at his home' would help this sentence. The last section also reads a little bit "tacked-on" and breaks your flow. Perhaps something similar to 'But to his outrage, he found his quiver empty when he arrived home.' may serve you better.
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Yet even as he spoke a devious plot came into his mind, and he said to himself,
A comma is definitely needed after 'spoke'.
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Now Loki had no knowledge of the prophesy of Frigga,
Prophesy = the act of fortelling. Prophecy = the thing that was foretold. Easy one to mix up.
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he set off into the forest and gathered as many sprigs of the herb as he could find,
You sure that's a herb? Careful of the terminology you use. ;)
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However, what was awaiting him in the clearing was a dreadful sight.
You could just as easily drop the first third of the sentence. "Awaiting him..." Otherwise you may wish to shuffle the sentence a bit: "However, a dreadful sight awaited him in the clearing." to clear up the mixed tense.
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The foliage was parted, and between the withering branches laid a figure in the grass.
'Lay' would be the correct tense for the word in this instance.
Definitely didn't see that one coming! Thought there might have been an accident during their contest, but no!
CHAPTER 2
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He tore the dreadful dart out of his forehead, causing dark blood to spurt out into the air.
Gross as it sounds, you may want to check out the way bloodsplatter works. (The following may be a bit disturbing.) When people are dead, apparently the blood in their body rushes to the lowest points, leaving one side pale and giving the other a mottled appearance (or so the First Aid teacher told us...). Not sure how long it takes for that to happen. Or if this is part of the legend, or if these guys go by different rules. O_o
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Then Loki, seeing that he could do nothing to help his fallen friend,
Nephew, too. This could be a good time to remind people of the dual connection, since Loki and Odin are brothers and this is Odin's son who has died.
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This was how the Gods found him, leaning over Baldur's slain body, his hands and clothing stained with his blood, and a sprig of mistletoe lying between his feet.
Instead of a comma, how about a hyphen? (Which is - btw.) It's another way to distinguish a pause between segments of differing subjects in a sentence.
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Now Loki was brought forth to Valhalla to face judgement,
Okay, this makes me question the title of the chapter (without having read beyond this point just yet). It can sound as if Loki is the one judging, not being judged. I'm not sure if 'judging' fits or helps the situation, either. =| The 'trial of' ?
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However, nonetheless Hodur was called to testify before the Gods, and Loki's heart leapt.
Might want to ditch either 'However' or 'Nonetheless'. Both is overkill as they double up in purpose.
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for as Hodur retold all the events that came to pass in the forest all the details were accurate so far.
You could even do without the 'so far', as the events in the forest were accurate. What came after the forest was not, so the following sentence also fits the situation. =]
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"Then", the Blind God continued,
Comma goes on the other side of the speech marks.
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Then Heimdall, Captain of the Guard, smiled,
Here would be another place you could use -- to separate the Captain of the Guard from the other parts of the sentence, to make it more of an aside within the sentence.
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But Heimdall stood up in turn, and said with contempt
New speaker, new paragraph.
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wading in a pool of Baldur's blood
One with a tendency for exaggeration, is he? XD
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At this point Loki's conviction faltered and he knew he had been betrayed.
Again, new paragraph. Also, I thought it was previously mentioned that he didn't know about the prophecy, so his knowedge of it now hasn't been explained.
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"Well, yes", the jester replied
Comma on the other side of the ".
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I was only a mere coincidence..."
It?
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Oh cursed half-breed,
Used in such a manner, "O" is quite acceptable and might fit your archaic tone more. But what you have is fine.
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you scum!'
You started with a ", so should finish with one to remain consistent.
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And upon saying this he slammed his hammer onto the table with a mighty clap of thunder, splitting it in two.
The hammer or the table was split in half? This sentence could be taken either way.
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Nay, I say let us have more evidence before we come to a conclusion".
Full stop on the other side of the ".
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and although Loki had tricked her many times in her youth and stolen apples from her garden, she still loved him as a child, and saw no faults with him.
Awww. =3
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Alfar- an elf and his father a Jotun- a giant,
When using the hyphen method, they are used similarly to speech marks. They tend to open and close around a segment, unless the sentence terminates, in which case you don't need the closing marks. So in this case, Alfar--an elf--and his father a Jotun--a giant-- would be what you're after.
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and he could vividly remember all the insults he suffered by the Gods during his childhood.
"insults from the Gods he suffered during..." flows better.
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What conflict have you partook in that has not been aided by me, or some other God?
Partaken fits the tense.
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You may act strong and self-assured, but in heart you are truly a coward.
"In your heart" or "at heart"?
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have that mighty hammer that you hold so proudly at your side!
The repetition of "that" disrupts your flow. Perhaps "the mighty hammer you hold..." ?
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and he crackled with delight.
Did you mean "cackled"?
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Day by day you flaunt yourself upon any man who comes across your path,
Uh... perhaps you mean 'before any man'? X__x
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How many men have shared your bed, I wonder?
Sock him one! ...Just sayin'...
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Ten? Twenty? Fifty? The entire population of Asgard must have sired your progeny!"
Yep, that's it. Sock him!
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Freya looked as if she were struck by an arrow, and Thor's face became pale.
Could probably drop the "she were".
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A great susurrus followed
XD Had to look that word up. Nice!
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It was not loud, but like a drop of water spreads ripples through an entire pond the command was obeyed.
'as' may be a better fit than 'like'. Also, a comma after pond.
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You have insulted the honor of a woman,
And not just that. The insult extends further... it implies that the husband would consent to marry someone who behaves in that way, and thus offends his honour as well.
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To see him, the one person he had admired and put all of his love and respect into condemn him was too much to bear.
Gets a little jumbled in there. How's something along the lines of "the one person to whom he had admired and bestowed all of his love and respect condemn him"?
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For a moment conflicting emotions of anger and shame
Comma after moment.
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"Burn", he shrieked.
An exclamation mark would suit there, considering he is making a bit of noise. Before the speech marks. He's a fiery little thing, isn't he? XD
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caught ablaze and kindled in a dreadful display.
Might want to drop the "and kindled". It's a gentler descriptor, and dropping it would give the drama more impact. ;)
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And Loki stood in the center of the maelstrom, and laughed maniacally
Manically, I believe. That sentence painted a pretty powerful scene--kudos!
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A mighty gust of wind filled the hall and extinguished the fire into nothingness, and as soon as it was created,
If you use the word "soon" in there, the fire was put out immediately after it was created. As 'quickly as' or as 'speedily' as would be better alternatives, since I'm guessing you're comparing the speed of the summonings?
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the fell blaze fell once again into the Void.
There's a repeat of the word 'fell' there. While it differs in meaning, it still causes a bump in flow. I'd suggest dropping the first use, as we already know it is a magical summoning of some kind.
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for I still loved you, despite your wicked betrayal.
No need for a comma there.
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Yet for calling fire down upon the Gods
Hm. Yeah, I think I could see how that could be taken the wrong way... =P
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breaking the peace of the mead hall that we have all worked so hard to attain,
Taken as it's written, it sounds as if they have worked hard to attain the mead hall. If that's so, all good. If it was the peace that was hard, you may want to rework this sentence.
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Then Loki was chained and taken away,
By whom?
CHAPTER 3
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betray the one person who faithfully served the Aesir
'who had' fits the tense better.
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and getting suitably awarded for all his guile and trickery.
Did you mean 'rewarded'?
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the eight legged steed and sire of all horses in the world,
Sorry to be pedantic, but what about the initial female horses?
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who led fire in his trail and could pass through the air as easily as he tread on the earth.
Are you sure he leads fire in his trail and doesn't leave it? 'trod' instead of 'tread'.
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the excuse of staying behind the protect the city in times of need
"to protect"
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when the Jotun were roaming abroad and coming all the more closer to Asgard's doorstep,
Could dock "more" without losing anything.
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entered a camp of frost giants,
"the frost" would help people unfamiliar with the Jotun make the connection.
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was known only to Frigga alone:
There's a doubling up here. I'd suggest dropping either "only" or "alone", based on which you think sounds better.
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salmon and leaped in to the water.
'into'
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But Heimdall would not be derived
'deprived'. Derived means something different.
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and he quickly drew a net and ensnared the writhing God.
Perhaps 'threw'? You draw a blade, but I've never heard of anyone drawing a net (unless it was to draw it in closer to something/-one)
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Then he drew his sword and pointed at Loki's throat, saying
Just for clarification, did he point with his hand or the sword? If hand, this is fine. If sword, you need an 'it' in there. Also, a comma after saying.
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tower of black obsidian than sent a foreboding chill into the atmosphere.
"that" instead of "than"
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When he awoke he was in a pitch dark cavern, with his arms hanging up in to the air and tied with
Perhaps "his arms bound above his head by (describe bindings)" ?
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He inadvertently cried for assistance,
Are you sure "inadvertently" is a good descriptor, considering?
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escape from were actually human entrails.
...Charming. =S
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Suddenly, a voice penetrated into the air.
'into' serves no need and can be dropped.
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This blow stuck Loki like a hammer,
"Struck"
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A severed head rolled through the room, landing in Loki's feet.
"at" not "in". Also, you haven't described the person who is doing all this speaking and throwing of heads. Possibly intentional, but a little detail would be nice.
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Loki stood there dumbfounded
Okay, a few sentences ago you said he "lay" there. I'd suggest changing that previous sentence to match the actual situation.
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At this moment Heimdall stepped forward from the shadows,
Ah. Now we know who. But a little description back there would have been nice, too, even if it wasn't very specific.
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the light illuminating his once handsome features now turned twisted and misshapen from the act of committing such an evil.
I'd suggest splitting this into 2 sentences. "Illuminating his face. His once-handsome features were now twisted... after having committed...." etc
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Well, you'll have plenty of time to mourn the death of your son in your stay here,
"during" instead of "in" would fit better
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and it spit foul venom in the air that was so corrosive it even burned through solid stone when it hit the floor.
Hm. This reads a bit jumbled. I'd suggest cutting out the "in the air" bit, as that's part of spitting anyway and distinguishes it from dribbling. =P And also the "that was", as it isn't needed, as well as the "even".
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Then Heimdall walked over slowly to Loki, now utterly spent by his anger and restrained wrath,
perhaps "spent/exhausted from"?
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and fixed the snake directly above his head.
Fixed it to what, exactly?
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seeping down through muscle and to the very bone.
Considering its acidic nature, you could also use "eating" instead of seeping for a harsher effect and to emphasize the acid. Now, next thing: if it eats away at stone, why doesn't it dissolve bone? And if it does, why doesn't it go all the way through?
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great beast, or a the rage of some primeval Thunder God
No need for the a.
CHAPTER 4
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So Loki, imprisoned and abandoned by the very people who he had once loved, passed
Can drop the "who" to help the flow.
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like a lioness avenges herself upon the hyenas that devoured her babies
"cubs" would assist you better in the analogy.
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as the venom tore through his flesh
Again, considering its acidic nature, a descriptor more aligned to acid would serve you better than "tore". 'Burned', 'dissolved', 'ate through', you get the idea.
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sad song.
But for Loki,
Need a gap between those paragraphs. ;]
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He let loose a terrible, haunting, unrelenting cry into the night: the final remnants of his soul; all the grief, pain, agony, and love that represented his past life, disappearing into the mist.
Wow. Some pretty powerful imagery there.
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liquid fire down unto him that turned his blood
Onto, not unto.
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where every second is worse than the next,
This phrasing says that the pain diminishes over time. If that was not your intention, it needs rewording.
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and cursed the Odin the Allfather,
Can drop the 'the' in front of Odin. He won't mind.
CHAPTER 6
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No living being dwelt there, only the dark sorceress
Sort of need a ; instead of a comma. It's a fragmented sentence.
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and rivers of molten lava surged
...Is it bad I thought "Minecraft"? XD;
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where the very land itself twisted and raged against them.
All of this paragraph, very nice description and powerful imagery. You're good at that.
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the black citadel of the Hel,
"the Hel" doesn't sound right. If referring to the person or the place, it doesn't need the "the".
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Baldur, son of Odin and most beloved of the Aesir had fallen
Here would be a good place to use -- to make the "son of Odin and... Aesir" part an aside and distinguish it from the rest of the sentence.
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appear all the more far off in the distance,
This was really confusing, sorry. If it appears to go further away, perhaps "appeared to retreat further into the distance as they approached" or something along those lines would help. If the other way, descriptors such as "drew ever closer" or "loomed" instead of drew...
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upon a red land that seemed to be sucking out the life
No need for the "out".
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The ghosts of men, women, and children past them by,
Passed, not past.
The research you've put into this really shows. ^^ Looking forward to your depiction of Ragnarok. It's bound to be interesting, judging by what I've read so far.
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